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June 1, 2008 Rants

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1. There are some very clever characters in Maine. They are people who know how to get things done. What would you do if you were annoyed by the amount of valuable clutter your neighbors were accumulating in the weeds and bushes around their homes? Would you complain to the officials in your town? Make your neighbors haul the clutter to the dump? If you were smart you wouldn’t, because then you’d be considered a nut or a crank, or even worse, someone from away. Let me tell you how one man single handedly cleaned up his entire town. He dragged stuff home from the dump and artistically decorated his yard with old bicycles and bedsprings much as someone in Camden would plant flowers or shrubs. Old washing machine here. Comfortable sofa there. A few broken chairs and a dozen or so lawnmowers for parts. Weeds in between. At last some of his neighbors couldn’t stand it any longer and got up a petition which led to an ordinance. The selectmen then came to this man’s house and said that they were sorry but because of a new regulation everyone had to haul off their junk.

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2. Dear humble, I have been listening to you since I was a kid. I (among many other young jazz musicians from the state) consider you and your show to have had a significant influence on my development as a musician. Matthew Fogg You should know that Matthew Fogg is an accomplished piano player and that I will cherish this testimonial from him. Matthew says he’s been listening to me since he was a kid. Being a kid is a relative thing, isn’t it. When I was a sailor in the Coast Guard I thought that 19 year old girls were too young for me. It wasn’t until I was single and 41-42 years old that I had matured to the point where could appreciate how charming 19 year old girls can be. You might think of me as a kid because I wasn’t old enough to serve with you under McArthur or Patten. And you will remember in the movie What About Bob that Siggy, who is 12, says, “It seems like I was 6 only yesterday.” Matthew says he has been listening to this show since he was a kid. But I would consider Matthew’s parents young kids. What is old? Is old a relative thing? My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, is only 57. When I tell her that I’m a tired old man, she says, “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

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3. You know that I consider my television program to be something of a public service. I really try to talk about things that I hope will benefit you, so listen closely. Although I have received almost as many letters from Nigeria as you have, I recently got one from Barrister Frank Smith asking me to present myself as next of kin to his deceased client who had deposited forty five million dollars in a bank in Holland. Think about this. A man who has somehow managed to scrape together 45 million dollars probably has more than a little bit on the ball. Would you agree with me that he probably knows how to handle and manage his money? And this man deposited 45 million of it in a bank in Holland. You and I might do well to find out what they are paying for interest over there.

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4. When I make a mistake, I’m the first one to admit it and although I’m not proud of my mistakes, I’m man enough to own up to them. A while back I told you that my dentist had the world’s most horrible hold music on his telephone. I can’t describe it, but compared to the shrieks and howls I heard, a toothache would have been a romp in the Elysian Fields. Yes, I told you that my dentist had the worst telephone hold music in the world. But that was before I called the Ford garage in Rockland.

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5. You know that I’m more likely to tell you what I do like than what I don’t like. I don’t go out of my way to tell you that I don’t like something --- although I will mention it if it jumps out and squirts water in my face. My present topic is country and western music. Inflicting any kind of unwanted music upon customers who have called your business and are placed on hold is a crime against humanity. You might argue that the changes, being somewhat predictable, keep country and western music from being interesting. But that is not my present thesis. I have reached a stage in life where I do not find myself empowered by song lyrics. While on telephone hold for the Ford garage I heard, “I ain’t as good as I once was.”

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6. According to a Bangor Daily News story by Katherine Cassidy, an Arizona laboratory for veterinary allergy testing is seeking 50 to 100 grams of dead black flies. So they contacted the Maine Blackfly Breeders Association. I know about this because the Maine Blackfly Breeders Association recently made me an honorary lifetime member and gave me a lapel pin. Their motto is "May the swarm be with you.” Holly Garner-Jackson of the MBBA says the lab wants thousands of black flies. But I don’t know why a black fly would want to go to Arizona where it is now 100 degrees, when it just got warm enough to go out without a coat in Maine, do you? But, anyway, the Maine Blackfly Breeders are asking anyone with a Mosquito Magnet to help. And here’s something you might like to know about. Mosquito Magnets stand 2 feet high in the field and weigh 30 to 35 pounds. They emit carbon dioxide to attract mosquitoes and other nuisance insects, which end up in a screened bag that you can empty out. Black flies don't come out at night. I didn’t know that, did you? So, if you have some extra black flies you don’t need, please call the Maine Blackfly Breeders Association at 255-3727. I think Dr. Jerry Metz wrote the following:
Some breeders from Englishman Bay
Bred a black fly with new DNA:
It’ll work day and night!
You can die from one bite!
But it only wants folks from Away!

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7. (prx) My brother recently told me that Quakers won’t take an oath. I didn’t know that. And when you think about it, why should taking an oath be necessary? Isn’t it silly? You might explain this oath taking to me. Doesn’t it imply that we take it for granted that you can lie to your friends and business associates and customers in the normal course of business, but when you’re under oath all of a sudden you have to tell the truth? I don’t know which is why I’m asking you. Doesn’t taking an oath strike you like a vestige of some pagan ritual? I was told that people in New England are not as likely to lie as people from other parts of the country. Do you believe that in New England lying is considered to be as bad as adultery? I think that might be true --- at least in the community where I was brought up --- because I do know that the circumlocutive prowess of people who can’t lie are often severely taxed.

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8. We all have embarrassing moments. The theater has capitalized on this down through the centuries, and now small children are exposed to embarrassing moments in television sitcoms. They unfold like this: the protagonist is either doing something he shouldn’t be doing or accidentally finds himself naked and locked out of house or in some other unbearably embarrassing situation. Any friend who sees him engaged in this activity will think that he is a fool. I came close to having it happen to me while I was eating dinner today. About the only time I turn on the television set is when I eat alone. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, more often than not prepares a plate for me from supper leftovers which I pop into the microwave at noon time for dinner the following day. Today I sat down before the tube, little folding table in front of me with the warm plate of food on that. I clicked until I came to the news, which lasted until I was half way through my second ear of corn on the cob. Are you listening? The news ended, my fingers were all butter from the corn so I couldn’t change the channels or shut off the television. But I was lucky. I was able to jump up, rush into the kitchen, wash my hands and shut off the television without having one of my friends suddenly pop in and suspect that I might have been watching, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”

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9. I recently bought Denis Waitley's best-selling program "The Psychology Of Winning." The ad on the web page says, “Build self-esteem, motivation, and self discipline while developing the 10 qualities of a total winner. It says, In the "Psychology of Winning," Denis explains that no race, no game is important unless you are also a winner in life. For it's only the winners in life who really enjoy the spoils of victory. Price $79.95 on line. I paid a quarter for it at a lawn sale. It is going to cost you even less than that, because for free, I’m going to tell you what I learned, and it can turn your life around. Denis says that winners think positively. Winners know they are going to win. I think that is a good thing to know. Isn’t it interesting to realize that when Joan Benoit won the marathon, she was the only person in the crowd who knew, days ahead, that she was going to come in first? The economic return for the quarter I spent could change our way of life. All I have to do is find out how I can listen to the chatter in the locker rooms of professional football teams and then bet on the games. 050211

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10. Want to know how you can tell a democrat from a republican? Every day now you hear on the news that so many republicans are so ashamed of what George W. Bush has done to America and the once economically conservative Republican party, that even the mention of some topics makes them blush and look down at their feet. Here’s your example. A neighbor from up country called me the other day and said that he was interested in attending the hands on solar energy workshop that Dr. Richard Komp held at my farm. I told the caller that I had been thinking about getting hot water and electricity from the sun for 20 or so years, but was finally pushed over the edge last winter by the tremendous surge in oil prices. And the man on the phone who had called me said, “I don’t talk politics.”

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11. If you were to see me walking down the street, you would think that I could easily be dragging a wooden club behind me in one hand and a woman by the hair with the other. I have a body that looks like the cave man you only see in cartoons. I got to thinking about this one morning during exercise class when the anorexic woman on the TV screen urged us to stand up straight and look good --- as if the two go together. I don’t know a thing about anthropology, so my question to you is, do people with a ramrod spine and straight shoulders look good, or have we only been culturally conditioned to think that they look good? Were there not cultures where pale, white skin on a woman was considered beautiful? Anyone who was browned up by the sun was obviously a menial who was forced to work outside in the sun. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to ask you experts in social anthropology to send me some web sites where I might learn something about the topic. What things that we might consider hideous or dangerous, would be considered beautiful in other cultures? Nowadays a few very ignorant or uncaring young people in this country are opening the door to skin cancer by getting too much sun or by actually paying to have their firm young bods quickly aged and crisped up in a tanning booth. A very intelligent and talented friend of mine had a good part of his nose cut off because 60 years ago he was a lifeguard and lived outside in the sun. But kids can never learn from the experiences of others. Can’t you hear two cousins talking? “Grampy just had his nose cut off.” “Yeah, but when he was our age, he must have had a fantastic tan.” 050211

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12. Here’s a riddle that you can easily solve. What’s the difference between Brad Pitt and his wife and The humble Farmer and his wife? Brad Pitt and his wife are breaking up.

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