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1. August 3, 2008 Rants 1. If you're on the Internet, you know about junk email. Someone is always mailing you a scheme that will make you rich in two weeks. Another common piece of junk mail asks if you are interested in his or her background. They claim to be able to find your old friends, lost loved ones, dead beat parents, or your debtor's assets. They claim to be able to find safe deposit boxes, social security death records, non-published numbers and driver's license records. They will search vehicle records and pre-trial comprehensive reports. They will verify education, employment and professional licenses. One of the most curious things about this service, is that although they claim to be able to find out anything you want to know about anyone else, they also claim to be able to change your records so that people can only find out good things about you.

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2. You are only one of millions of people who heard about the freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High who won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." --- and for plenty of good reasons, since it can 1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

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3. This morning, while reading my college textbook anthology of great American literature, I realized that much of that great American literature could not be printed today. Much of the American literature that was considered great in the 1950's is no longer politically correct, and generates cries of protest from young throats on every college campus in America. Isn't it amazing that we permit children's voices to guide the direction of our thinking? A month ago I caught part of a Harrison Ford movie. Remember the one --- where he hands Hitler a book and Hitler autographs it? Hundreds of people in that scene are throwing the books that the Nazis banned into a fire. In Russia if you wrote things that were not politically correct, they said you were crazy and sent you to Siberia. Media people in fascist countries who do not parrot the official party line are quickly silenced. But we live in a country where that can't happen. In America a few young professors or students on college campuses simply decide which books have bad words in them, and no one dares to print them any more. You can see that it works hand in hand with this paper saving movement that is currently so fashionable. Did you realize that many of the best writers to live in our great country over the past 200 years used words, or expressed sentiments, which keep them from being published today? If you think I am exaggerating, read your 1955 college anthology of greatest American writers cover to cover, tear out all the pages that would not be published today and see what you've got left. I can remember having to edit my radio program because I had inadvertently included Bing Crosby singing a song that would raise howls of protest should it be played today. True, there was nothing wrong with the song back in the 1920s when Bing Crosby recorded it. And many educated adults would see nothing wrong with the song today, but a few very vocal young people would call the station to complain if I played it. Banning songs and books is nothing new. It's been going on since a bored woman first painted on a cave wall. Her man, of course, was out looking for meat and skins. So the question is always there. How do I make sure that the very popular things I'm writing today will be available to my public in 100 years? It's very simple. You simply figure out which words and sentiments will be unpopular 100 years from now and avoid them.

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4. Old people don't know much of anything. Of course, I'm speaking for myself. But I am old, which means that I am still easily amazed by the way young people think. When I was a kid we were getting 100 dollars a month for being in the Coast Guard. Imagine how you'd feel if your boss tripled your present salary. That's the way we'd knew we’d feel when we got out of teachers college, because teachers were getting almost 300 dollars a month. We wondered how in the world we'd able to spend 300 dollars a month. That was three thousand dollars a year. We'd be rich. You could buy a house and a barn on an acre of land for $3500. One day I was walking down that little side street that leads to the public landing in Camden, when a very tall boy said to me, "You're The humble Farmer. I listen to you on the radio." We talked of this and that until the inevitable topic of going south for the winter came up. He was going south for the winter. To Florida? No, the Caribbean --- to cook on a boat. Good duty. I suppose you're willing to do it for next to nothing just to have a room and meals down there where it's warm. Oh no. The pay is quite good. What do you call good? Oh, 800 to a thousand a week. 800 to a thousand a week! How do you get a job like that? See all those boats down there? ---- and he pointed at the yachts moored over on the other side of Camden harbor. You just walk alongside and ask if they need a chef. I am a chef. I studied how to be a chef. My conversation with this kid set me right back on my heels. Many people who own businesses have told me that it is impossible to find help --- unless they hire someone away from their competitors by paying higher wages. Someone their competitor has already trained. I was just told by a man that the agency in Rockland was unable to find a young person who would work for him. And it’s probably because here's a bright kid who lives within a mile of me who takes it for granted that he can earn a thousand a week all winter on a boat in the Caribbean. I found it hard to believe. I said, "How can you get a thousand a week cooking on a yacht?" And he said, "There are more people with money than there are cooks."

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5. You have heard of compartmentalized thinking and that is my topic now. When I got out of college I bought a completely furnished house with a garage on an acre of land for $5,000. A year or two later I bought another house with an attached barn on an acre of land for $3500. Back in those days a Maine schoolteacher could buy a house with one year’s salary. Today a Maine schoolteacher would have to work around five years to buy those very same houses, which are now 40 years older and should have depreciated. I can’t tell you how it happened, but the salaries of working people in the United States have been seriously eroded. You might have heard old people wonder aloud how a young couple could even think about buying a house nowadays. But then --- you turn on your television and see that there is a crisis in America: the value of houses has dropped umpty ump percent. In other words, if the value of houses continues to drop, they might get back down to where they relatively were 40 years ago and teachers right out of college might once again be able to buy a house with their first year’s salary. You tell me --- is this good, or is it bad?

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6. When was the last time you read the Count of Monte Cristo? I think I read it the first time when I was 12 or so and I've thought about it from time to time ever since. You'll remember the Count of Monte Cristo was worth a hundred million back before anyone ever heard of Exxon profits. His goal in life was to destroy the three characters who had trumped up charges that had put him in jail, which is where he met the priest who taught him all the languages and told him where the treasure was buried that made him rich. You remember all that. Anyway, this Count of Monte Cristo guy made Exxon executives look like bottle pickers. I mean he was loaded. One day one of The Count's enemies, who was a banker named Danglers, came up to him and said that if he, the Count, would do business with the Dangler's bank, he was prepared to issue him a million dollars worth of credit. Whereupon, the Count of Monte Cristo pulled a roll out of his pocket and said, "I carry that much around for pocket change. Of what use would I have for such a trifling sum?" All of this was brought to mind last week when a very nice girl called me on the phone to tell me that she could save me from the high interest rates I'm presently paying on my present credit card. I told her that if I ever did have to use it, there was no interest because I was in the habit of paying it off every month. That didn't slow her down a bit, because she started off on another tack. She said they were prepared to give me a platinum card that was good for $40,000. You've already figured out what I said then, haven't you? Going to use it yourself the next time they call and offer you $40,000, aren't you? "Of what use would I have for such a trifling sum?"

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7. Have your friends and relatives from away been in yet for their annual summer visit? This week we have guests from Hollywood, so it was natural that we found ourselves talking about movies. I like happy ending movies, but our guest George said he likes those Ingmar Bergman movies where everyone is starving or suffering. George said, "When you come out of the theater, California looks good."

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8. I went down to Monhegan where I did a benefit show for the Wharf, which needs repair. The only way you can get to Monhegan if you don’t have a helicopter is to swim ashore and crawl up over the rocks or bring your boat in to the wharf or dock. Call it what you will, the dock is important to the people who live on Monhegan. I use the dock myself when I go out there, which tells you two things about me, doesn’t it? I don’t have a helicopter and I do not choose to swim ashore and crawl up over the rocks. Chris Rollins lives on Monhegan. Ten or 11 generations of his ancestors are buried up on the hill so you have to assume he feels very much at home out there. I’ve known Chris for several years, but just met his wife, who, through the eyes of this 72-year-old man, is a pretty young thing from away. He met her on Monhegan when she was 18, but Chris says that after that she had two husbands before he married her. I was surprised to hear that such an attractive and well-spoken woman was already on her third marriage and suggested to Chris that perhaps she had made some poor choices. And he said, “Nah, I think she just takes what comes along.”

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9. Do you not find it interesting that your perception of a person’s character or motives can be twisted 180 degrees just by the way you look at things? What I’m trying to say could best be illustrated by an example. The Christian Science Monitor did a full page feature on me last year, and in that article it said that I had a lot of credit card debt. When you hear that someone has a lot of credit card debt, don’t you see your neighbors who buy their kids a lot of worthless brightly colored toys? Can’t you see these people eating in restaurants two or three times a year? We never go out to eat and we’re not into buying plastic toys. But, a few years ago I borrowed around $100,000 to buy an 8 house development which was contiguous to my farm. I stopped the so called development. I shut it down and have turned those house lots back into a forest which I hope will be forever wild. At the time the article was written, I had perhaps $30,000 of that borrowed money out on a credit card. You see, the bank would charge me seven or eight percent to borrow that money, but the credit card people let me have it for six months for around two percent. Of course, they were hoping that at the end of six months I wouldn’t be able to pay it off, so they could stick me with 17 or 22 percent. But I had two credit cards so I’d shift that $30,000 at two percent from one card to another and I’d do it just before the six months ran out. So here’s the bottom line --- it was true that back then I had a large credit card debt. But, I’m not a wastrel --- all of that money went to buy land that I am trying to protect for posterity. It was on a credit card because the banks wouldn’t loan me money at two percent. So, this fall, when you hear some very greedy people saying things that sound unbelievably bad about your favorite presidential candidate, you might remember what we’ve been talking about here and ask yourself: isn’t there another way to look at this? Is there really anything wrong with leaving something behind for the grandchildren?

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10. Children speak the truth. I can remember sitting in the back of a fifth grade classroom while Paul Strout, who was probably 11 years old, stood at the blackboard and did an imitation of me, the teacher. He had everything down --- my mannerisms --- my speech. The stage lost a consummate master when Paul decided to work instead. Adults who speak the truth are likely to be avoided in good company. You will remember one of Agatha Christie’s adult characters who spoke the truth. Everyone was terrified to be in the same room with her. She was eventually murdered, which was probably just as well. Mastering the art of circumlocution is a rite of passage for children. Those who can do it, are accepted into adult society. Those who do it well, write books. Our topic came to my attention on a tour last week when our guide raised a hand without a thumb and asked anyone had a question. A small boy said, “I see that you have an unfriendly dog.”

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