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November 9, 2008 Rants 1. Although millions of Americans have been adversely impacted by the crooks who manipulate our national economy, Maine is alive with economic activity. My friend Winky sells necklaces made out of moose droppings.

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2. My friend Winky went to business college where he flunked accounting and bookkeeping. But somehow he got through school and showed up at his 15th reunion in his private jet. Of course, his old friends wanted to know how he made so much money, and he said, "I've got a little factory where I make can openers that only cost me a dollar to make, but I sell them for ten dollars. And you can't fail when you've got a business that brings you a steady nine percent profit.”

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3. My friend Winky did very well on Wall Street last year. I asked him how he did it and he said, "I simply try to make an honest living and there really ain't that much competition."

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4. One day my friend Winky happened to see a woman swimming in Mirror Lake that the Rockland people use for a water supply. And he hollered at her, "Hey. You ain't allowed to swim in there." And she said, "How come you didn't tell me before I undressed?" And Winky said, "Ain't no law against undressing."

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5. Years ago when my friend Winky was a kid he was giving a girl a ride in his 54 Buick, and they were way down the end of this moonlit road by the shore, when all of a sudden that old Buick made a wicked knocking sound and stopped. Winky said, "I wonder what that knocking was?" And the girl jumped out of the car and said, "I want you to know it wasn’t opportunity."

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6. My friend Winky went in the bank to get a loan, but the banker wouldn't give him one. But then the banker thought about it a little bit and said, "I'm going to see how smart you are. I've got a glass eye, and if you can tell me which one it is, I will approve your loan." And Winky looked him right in the eyes and said, "The right eye is the real one." And the banker said, "That's right! How could you tell?" And Winky said, "I thought I saw a little sympathy in the glass one."

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7. When my friend Winky started working at the gas station, the boss told him to sweep the floor. And Winky said, "But I'm a college graduate." And the boss said, "Well, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

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8. In our town of St. George, Maine where my friend Winky got married it was the custom of the minister to kiss the bride after the ceremony. But Winky’s wife-to-be asked Winky to tell the minister not to do it. When Winky came back from talking with the minister, she said, "Did you tell the minister I didn't want him to kiss me?" And Winky said, "Ayuh, he said in that case he'd only charge me half price."

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9. My friend Winky has two sons. One became a doctor and one became a lawyer. You can believe that when Winky got hit by a car it just about tore the family apart. His doctor son wanted to cure him, but his son who's a lawyer wanted him to act crippled so he could sue for damages.

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10. My old friend Winky hobbled in to see his doctor for a checkup. And the doctor said, "Winky, you're in real good shape for a man your age, but I'm afraid you'll have to give up half of your love life." And Winky said, "Which half should I give up? Thinking about it or talking about it?

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11. The last time my friend Winky went in for a physical the doctor asked him to hold his hands out in front of him. And Winky’s hands were shaking a leaf in a northeast gale. And the doctor said, "My word, Winky, how much do you drink?" And Winky said, "Not much. I spill most of it."

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12. Somehow my friend Winky and his wife got invited to a party at a real swanky house in Camden, and the hostess was showing all her guests through the house. In one room she said, "This chair goes back to Louis the Fourteenth." And Winky's wife says, "That ain't nothing. My whole kitchen set goes back to Sears tomorrow."

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13. One evening when Winky was reading the newspaper he said to his wife, "Here's a man up in Rangeley who was shot for a moose." And Winky's wife said, "Any man who can be mistaken for a moose is better off dead."

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14. The first day I had my new truck I drove it into the gas station where my friend Winky works, and Winky said, "What you got there?" And I said, "A new truck I got for my wife." And he said, "Looks like you made a pretty good trade."

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15. One night my friend Winky said to his wife, "Let's go out and have some fun this evening." And she said, "OK, but leave the hall light on in case you get home before I do."

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16. My friend Winky took his wife up to Camden where they were doing the women’s triathlon thing, and when the women finished doing the breast stroke across Megunticook Lake, Winky’s wife was the last one out of the water. He was hugging her, even though she was soaking wet, and I heard her crying on his shoulder, “I don’t want to complain, but I think some of those other girls were using their arms.”

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