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Rants January 31, 2009 1. The dirtiest hotels in the world. That was what the junk email said. Of course I had to Google The dirtiest hotels in the world so I could see where they were. Number one is in San Francisco. Let me read you a sample of the reviews: “First and foremost no one should ever walk into a hotel only to find prostitutes walking around the inside.” Think about this. What reason would they have to complain about a prostitute who was on her feet?

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2. If you were to read even a few of the hotel reviews that turned up on a web page called The Dirtiest Hotels in the World, you might not have to wonder where Stephen King gets material for his novels. Listen to this: “When we checked in, the Manager offered us a free upgrade to the "Honeymoon Suite". It was a set up. The "Honeymoon Suite" had a vacant room next door that was "under construction". I was undressed to get into my swimsuit and heard breathing. I looked under the big gap under the adjoining room door. I saw eyes looking back at me!” I don’t know if eyes would have bothered me. It’s the hidden camera that can come back and bite you. And here’s another review: “We were looking for a dog friendly hotel…. It was absolutely horrible! The room smelled musty” --- Probably because the last people who stayed there had a dog.

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3. When I looked out the door on Sunday morning everything was fuzzy. I was scared. Then I looked at a seagull flying away and it looked like two seagulls. I covered first one eye and then the other, to make sure it was not just that my eyes weren't focusing, and then I called 911. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't, with all the talking you and I have done over the past 30 years about our many friends and relatives who have died rather than call for help. When they wheeled me into the hospital here --- where we work winters --- in Fort Myers, Florida and established me in the little corner where they initially poke and prod, a nice looking young man walked up to me and said, "What is The humble Farmer doing here?" He said that he used to watch me on television when he was small. His name is Rackliffe, he’s from Rockland, Maine, a friend of lobster dealer Bert Witham, and when he stuck that needle in my arm there was no question in my mind but what he had plugged a lot of lobsters out on Penobscot Bay. I was so glad to see him I cried.

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4. My friend Harris sent me Gore Vidal’s The Decline and Fall of the American Empire. It is a small volume containing five or six essays, so I was able to read it in one sitting. My first reaction was that I should write to the local newspaper and apologize. It seems that the content of almost every letter I have ever written to the editor since I was 50 years old, no matter what the topic, was originally published in this book in 1992.

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5. Here’s another email. I’m sorry but emails keep coming and because I don’t get a newspaper and can’t stand watching the evening news, email is about my only source for commentary. This email asked me to participate in a poll which asks: is Sarah Palin qualified? How can I answer a question like that? Qualified for what?

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6. According to the files in my computer, on January 31, 2006, I wrote to itunes and asked what I would have to do to have them carry my radio program as a podcast download. They said that they had a lot of email and that it would take a while for them to get back to me. Four years later, long time radio friend Abby said that she’d like to download my radio program as a podcast, so, highly motivated, I set about finding out how to put the ipod download plug on my webpage. After two full days of study, although stopped dead in my tracks, I felt I had made progress. I learned that there was a thing named feed that lived on the web page and that there was a tool called feedburner. All you had to do was type the name of your blog address into the feedburner. I’ve spent many hours trying to find my blog address or some other way to circumvent feedburner to get that ipod outlet on my web page and this is where computer gurus miss the boat. If you were a computer guru, right at that point wouldn’t you have a link on your page that says, “You’re stuck, aren’t you? After looking at dozens of web pages that often send you back to this page, you finally realize that you can’t do this without my help. Send me $5 by PayPal and call this number and I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

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7. The good thing about the recent Supreme Court decision is that now corporate dollars will buy legislators from both parties. Because everyone will be on the same side it will save hours of quibbling on the floor of Congress and expedite legislation. With all votes a foregone conclusion, legislators will no longer need to assemble but will simply push a button from wherever they happen to be vacationing.

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8. An email that arrived today reminds me that I am fortunate to have many friends from diverse backgrounds. This gives me a social advantage over people who, day in and day out, only see folks with graduate degrees from prestigious universities. How many of them, do you suppose, ever get an email from a friend who gives thanks that black folks were evacuated from Africa in slave ships so they could be introduced to Christian salvation? Anyone who has read American history has the impression that slaves were introduced to Christian salvation to keep them from cutting off their chains and starting a revolution.

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9. You have heard me say that my wife and I have a symbiotic relationship which is the secret to a happy marriage. I am always cold. She is always hot. When I put an ice-cold hand down the back of her shirt onto her sweaty back, I say, “Ahhh. That feels good.” And she says, “Ahhh. That feels good.” Perhaps you and your spouse sneak about the house surreptitiously turning the thermostat up and down to suit your own personal needs. --- or opening and closing windows when the other isn’t looking. This does not happen in our home ---- because --- when the temperature drops down to 74 – 75 degrees, I always put on extra wooly pants and a sweater.

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10. Radio friend Kip writes to say that he has a new ipod that is the size of a Heath bar. I’m glad to hear that Kip’s ipod machine is the size of a Heath Bar. When it comes to giving an example for size, too many people say that it was the size of three football fields. Haven’t you always wondered about this football field thing? Why doesn’t someone ever say that it was the size of the library reading room at Harvard Law School? As tall as the statues at Vigeland. Or about as wide as a street in Pompeii?

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11. Speaking of universal health care, here’s a letter from David that says: I have a friend in … Cape Coral Hospital right now, …. He has no health insurance, recently moved here from Minnesota, and was thrown out of work in a temporary job by a huge blood clot in his right arm. If the clot moves, it will go to his lungs and kill him, so he's stuck on his back while they try to dissolve it with heparin and coumadin. He also did not want to go to the hospital, because even if he survives this, he'll be left unemployed with a crushing debt. Here he is, 45 years old, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, otherwise healthy as a bear, brought down by some arcane blood clotting dysfunction, and now is stressed to death on top of it by having no insurance, and watches his medical bill climb astronomically every day. David ends his letter by saying: Poor people who vote Republican are like chickens voting for Frank Perdue.

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12. While looking up something else here’s a quote I found from Abraham Lincoln. In 1864 Lincoln says, "… I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. I feel at this moment more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of war.“ And here’s a tidbit from a speech Lincoln gave to the Illinois legislature in 1837 I didn’t check, but he could have been a legislator when he said: "These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel." Nothing changes.

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[The passage appears in a letter from Lincoln to (Col.) William F. Elkins, Nov. 21, 1864. For a reliable pedigree, cite p. 40 of The Lincoln Encyclopedia, by Archer H. Shaw (Macmillan, 1950, NY). That traces the quote's lineage to p. 954 of Abraham Lincoln: A New Portrait, (Vol. 2) by Emanuel Hertz (Horace Liveright Inc, 1931, NY). A final Lincoln tidbit, although it pertains to one very specific case: "These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel." speech to Illinois legislature, Jan. 1837. See Vol. 1, p. 24 of Lincoln's Complete Works, ed. by Nicolay and Hay, 1905) ]

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13. Here’s a review of the second dirtiest hotel in the world. Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing when you can use it to read things like this?: “At one point I called the front desk for toilet paper because I had run out (which was embarrassing enough) but then was told if I wanted it I have to come to the front desk and get it.” And then this: “the balcony door wouldn't lock so our 4 year old opened it and the pressure from the wind SLAMMED the hotel room door shut and we were locked in! We had to call the front desk multiple times because they would not answer the phone!” Probably afraid the guests were asking for more toilet paper.

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