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Rants February 14, 2010

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1. Pete, who lives way up in the woods in Northern Maine, says that he received a come-on from Time Warner Cable to switch things over to digital. It promises a 30-day money back guarantee if not satisfied. The first two months are free.

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2. How can you tell when a political cartoonist is on the money? Answer: You won’t see him in most of the newspapers and magazines in the United States. Mike Peters’ cartoons are so accurate and clever that you no longer see Mike Peters’ cartoons in Newsweek or Time like you used to because --- they are a powerful indictment against many of the unfortunate things that are happening in the world today. There was a time when the only reason you’d buy a Newsweek or Time would be to see the one or two cartoons Mike Peters would have on their best cartoons of the week page. No more. So from time to time I go to his web page and go through a year or so of Mike Peters’ cartoons and print off the two I like best and put them on my refrigerator door or on the wall in my office. Don’t ever expect to see Mike Peters published in your local newspaper. He’s too good. http://www.grimmy.com/editorials.php

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3. My friend David says he saw a sign out front of an elementary school that said, “Early release on Friday.” It’s good to see that there is another institution in Maine that believes in giving its occupants time off for good behavior.

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4. If you have been in a hospital lately, you might have noticed that the old photographs of doctors smoking pipes that used to be on hospital walls have been replaced by a printed notice that says “Patient’s Rights.” I’m not as concerned about my rights as I am with getting the best medical care possible, so it would appear that the hospital and I now have a different agenda. And can this equality thing be carried to extremes? You might have heard about the constipated man whose hospital roommate had diarrhea. On the average, there was nothing wrong with either one of them.

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5. You probably heard that they quickly caught that armed robber who held up the fried chicken restaurant. Although he escaped with an armload of cash and fried chicken, within an hour he showed up at the emergency room and asked to have his stomach pumped.

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6. You’ve heard me say that I don’t care for war but I will say again --- even though it is dangerous to take sides --- I don’t care for war. One of my grandfather’s second cousins died in Andersonville Prison. You can read about it on a stone my grandfather put up at the corner. Eighty eight years before that their great grandfather was an insurgent who was wounded while fighting the British in Harlem and you can read that on the stone, too. You don’t hear much about my ggg grandfather getting shot but six days later Nathan Hale, another insurgent who was part of the same New York operation fighting the legal government, was hanged, and schoolchildren are required to learn his name. Probably the reason you know about one of these insurgents and not the other is because Nathan Hale reportedly said something like this: “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” All my ggg grandfather did was return to St. George, Maine and proceed to father ten children with a British ball in his stomach.

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7. Last night some friends who were coming for supper called earlier in the day to tell my wife Marsha that they didn’t eat dessert. Neither do I. You have heard me say over and over that for around six years I have not eaten cake, pie, ice cream, cookies or donuts. I am not boasting, nor am I complaining. I simply thought you might be encouraged to hear that even a weak person can give up a few of the foods that make life worth living. I stopped eating dessert after a Public Radio Program Managers convention in San Antonio where, in the remarkably short time of three days, I gained six pounds and was no longer able to tie my shoes. You know as well as I do that for some of us “everything in moderation” does not apply when it comes to smoking, drinking and blueberry pie. One bite, one puff, one sip, and we are undone. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, is a first class enabler. She loves to cook juicy apple pies and bake fluffy white cakes which she buries beneath thick layers of chocolate frosting, and although I have never weakened in six years, she still puts these works of art on the table and she still asks me if I want a piece. Years ago I had supper with a very famous jazz musician who finished off the meal with one or two bottles of wine. Because he had once been addicted to heroin, a couple of bottles of wine wasn’t really drinking to him. Last night our friends who came for supper told Marsha not to bother to make dessert. And she said, “Oh, I wasn’t planning on any dessert. We’re only having ice cream and ginger cookies.”

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8. Have you ever heard of Isadora Duncan? Isadora Duncan is worth remembering only if it is because in 1927 she died when her scarf got wound up in the rear wheel of a Buggatti. She was a victim of her times. That couldn’t happen today because sports cars have smooth hubcaps and when you want to impress a crowd low cut dresses have taken the place of long scarfs.

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9. While looking up something else, I read about Natalie Schafer --- the woman who played the part of the rich wife on Gilligan’s Island. She thought she looked so old --- that she had it put in her contract that there would be no close up shots of her. Have you ever heard of anything so silly?

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10. Nowadays one of the biggest jokes afoot is the questionnaire sent out by some radio stations, asking listeners what they want to hear. Audiences have repeatedly told radio management at many stations what they want to hear, but individuals in the audience learned long ago that they no longer matter. Today the content of too many radio stations in this country is directed by corporate funding.

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11. Every morning I get an email from the Bangor Daily News. In it, five or six headlines are given from the daily paper with a sentence or two below that. In only a few seconds the reader can determine which items are of interest. I really look forward to reading these BDN on-line clips in the morning and always hope to see one that is conducive to thought or perhaps even warrants commentary. I especially enjoy reading the commentaries of others as it is means of keeping in touch with people from all socio-economic and educational levels. In a recent BDN article I read about traffic safety, I learned that man’s best friend has changed: nowadays, when a pickup truck hits a tree, it was probably a ringing cell phone and not a barking dog in the cab that put it there.

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12. Did you hear that the nation's unemployment rates dropped by a full percentage point last week? My friend David Bright says this is because every Toyota dealer in the country hired three additional mechanics.

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13. Young people today don’t know about moderation. Back when I was a kid we had neighbors who were moderate. One day Alva Harris was lying on his back underneath a car in his garage when he saw some boots walking around the car. So Alva hollers out, is that you George? And George says, “Yes, you awful busy today Alva?” And Alva says, “What you need?” And George says, “My house is on fire.”

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