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August 8, 2010 Rants

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1. Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it. Those who do know history are often amused. We read in the paper that an argument between two teenagers sent their parents to the hospital with dog bites. Because the world is very old, you can believe that this was not the first time snippety kids drew their parents into a fight that was finally resolved by the family mastiff. But the teenagers didn’t know that and their parents didn’t know that and a pit bull could care less. But you can be sure that the very same thing happened many thousands of years ago which is why laws were established to keep people out of trouble in general and out of jail in particular. Countless thousands of years after that, people in what is now Iraq learned to write and these laws were scratched into soft clay. There also exists an 8 foot high stone that contain the so-called laws of Hammurabi, and you might remember from the last time you read them that around 4,000 years ago you’d pay ten shekels for striking the body of another. This worked out well if you were rich and had a grudge against your neighbor, and certainly kept working class neighbors from pounding on neighbors back in those good old days. Isn’t it interesting that 4,000 years ago a highly civilized society sought to maintain order by imposing fines. And today in Maine disagreements are still settled by pit bulls.

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2. And now there is talk of shutting down the good old swimming hole quarry where the woman jumped in and died last week. A man who jumped into the quarry a few years ago and was disabled says the quarry should be closed off. It goes without saying that years later he is still a young man. No adult would ever jump into a quarry. But we read in the paper that keep out signs haven’t worked. People who want to jump into the quarry have cut off padlocks with bolt cutters and have dragged away huge granite blocks so they could get in there and jump into the quarry. Have you ever wondered what it is about thin lake ice that make people want to drive snowmobiles on it? And what it is about quarries that make people want to jump into them? Doesn’t it look like some people are obviously bored and can’t get out of this life fast enough.

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3. You’ve probably noticed that the good guy in the movies pets small animals. That’s so you’ll know that he is the hero and that you should like and respect him. He can break bricks with his hand, jump from flying airplanes without a parachute, and blow up entire waterfront warehouses without giving it a second thought, but --- we know he is a good guy because he gives little doggies and little kitties and even his bird friends crumbs from his sandwich. So --- how do you tell if a visitor who drops in on you is one of the good guys? --- Someone you immediately take a shine to? Easy enough if you have a dog or cat or kid because he pats your dog or cat or kid. But suppose your house is not infested with these denizens of the rug? Radio friend Harvey stopped in to visit last week. We bonded immediately when Harvey stooped over and pulled a weed out of my lawn.

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4. You’ve seen them on television --- the children suffering from malnutrition. The poor things have never been fed properly and if any do survive to adulthood, their bodies will be terribly distorted. But even more unfortunate are the children who are raised in homes where never is heard an intelligent word. Why don’t we see television commercials begging us to do something to help them? By the time they graduate from a southern college at the age of 22 it’s too late and no amount of intellectual nourishment can save their little minds. I am in hot water with my wife today, because when one of these young acquaintances stopped in for a visit, I crept off to the sanctity of my forest. Had I stayed home, my dinner conversation with the child might have sounded something like this. “I haven’t seen you for --- what? --- 15 years? What are you doing now?” “Well, when I got out of college I got a job right off with some folks who are trying to find an excuse to start another war. When we got caught selling guns to both sides we could see that this one is likely to peter out anytime.” “That’s nice. You get paid for this?” “Oh yes, for years we’ve lobbied to keep minimum wage much less than unemployment benefits or welfare. That way nobody without a job can afford to go to work and we hope it becomes obvious that welfare mothers are bleeding our economy dry. Draws everyone’s attention away from the war, you know.” “Sounds like you’ve been keeping pretty busy.” “Oh yes. When we haven’t been able to destroy the unions or gut pensions, we’ve been able to bankrupt plants by paying management hundreds of millions in stock, bonuses and salary. Then we start it up again fresh without any baggage. Although it’s hard to beat moving plants into countries where children are willing to work. Keep in mind that the lower we can keep wages, the more the boss gets to keep for himself. Some of those savings get passed along us in the home office, you know, so those of us who work the phones and answer mail do pretty well. But enough about me. What in the world do you suppose caused this recession?”

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5. We read that Handguns predominate in firearms crime. More than three-quarters of the 83,000 guns used in crime that were traced for law enforcement agencies in one year were handguns. Of course crooks commit crimes with handguns. Have you ever tried to walk into a bank with a shotgun in your pants?

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6. Little public service announcement here. Are your children always fighting with you and others? And even if your kids would make Miss Manners look like Rambo on a bad night please listen to this email that said, “Celebrate Calm - Stop defiance and disrespect now.” Then it says, “Learn how to immediately replace arguing, yelling and disrespect with responsibility, discipline and calm.“ May I repeat that advertisement from this program that will teach you how to change the behavior of your children? It says, “Learn how to immediately replace arguing, yelling and disrespect with responsibility, discipline and calm.“ Hah! Isn’t it obvious? Monkey see, monkey do.

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7. One hundred years ago there were many granite quarries in town. Now they are abandoned and have filled up with water. Because quarries can be several hundred feet deep, an automobile dropped into one is never seen again. We read in the newspaper that a woman jumped into a quarry and didn’t come back up. So, although we are saddened to hear this we are not surprised. You’ve read in the paper about people who have jumped into quarries before and next year you will again read in the paper about people who jumped into a quarry. Just as long as there are loaded rattraps, there will be toddlers who will stick their fingers in them. And just as long as there are quarries, there are kids who will jump into them.

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8. May I say a few words in Defense of The Ugly American? For years we’ve heard that Americans abroad are seen by the natives as obnoxious boors who expect everyone to not only understand but to also speak English. But is it possible that there is another side to the story and that some of us who were bred and born in the USA are getting a bum rap? Settle in and listen to my didactic tale of woe. To begin with, I submit to you that a Dutchman or a German or a Swede would rather slash his wrists before he would help an American learn a few words of his beautiful language. Right here I should mention that I am a student of languages and would fall down on my knees and, with tears of gratitude streaming down my cheeks, forever worship anyone kind enough to say some words to me in another language --- I don’t really care which language it is. In trying to learn other languages I have gone to the extreme of inviting people from Spain and Holland to stay in my home for weeks at a time with the understanding that they would speak only Dutch or Spanish. I fed them and gave them a free place to stay. My Dutch friends worked out well and we have exchanged visits several times, but Victor from Barcelona was more interested in learning to speak perfect English from me and went home able to say things like, “Ain’t choo a wimpy bahstid?” We have German friends who speak German in their home and we have Dutch friends who speak Dutch in their home but when I’m nearby they can’t be bothered with speaking anything but English. All of my ancestors were stubborn foreigners but my father was the one I knew best. Being an uneducated man, he didn’t realize the value in raising his children in a bilingual household so I didn’t learn to speak Swedish with a Maine accent until I was 24 and sponged off my aunts in Sweden for the better part of 1960. Although papa still wouldn’t speak Swedish with me when I came home, my last communication with him 18 years later was in my version of that language. My father had had a stroke and couldn’t talk so we couldn’t tell if he could understand us or not. I was standing by his hospital bed, and I said to him in Swedish, “Papa, can I talk good Swedish?” My father made a nasty face and shook his head. But is it not to my credit that I tried?

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9. Have you been getting alarmist emails, asking you to do what you can to make sure Fox news doesn’t get a front row seat at the press room in the White House? How do you feel about that? Because I have read the Godfather several times I’ve absorbed some of the old Chinese wisdom passed along by Vito Corlione and firmly believe that you should keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

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10. You probably heard that this year there is no smoking at the Bangor State Fair. You’ll now find little smoking areas which puts the fair in compliance with state law banning smoking within 20 feet of an entryway, vent or doorway of a workplace or other public venue. Twenty feet was obviously an arbitrary figure because, as you certainly know, cigarette smoke can be detected at 300 feet by any non-smoker with a bad cold. Consider the social ramifications of these new regulations: Congested smoking areas now serve the same function as walking your dog in days gone by: Your smoke intimately mingles, much as two dogs once tangled leashes, which makes the Bangor State Fair an ideal place to meet that special smoking someone. On the other hand, one woman who was working at the fair said that having to leave her booth and crowd into the smoking tent was a major inconvenience. Another vendor at the fair said that not being able to leave his tent so he could smoke was a hardship. Sounds to me like they’re both already happily married.

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11. As you well know, there is big money to be made by putting people in jail and keeping them there. Which is probably why the possession of crack equal to the weight of two pennies carries the same mandatory minimum sentence as possession of over a pound of powder cocaine. There are people who don’t think it is right that possession of a whisper of crack should earn one the same jail sentence as a pound of powder cocaine. For what it’s worth, here’s my opinion. I don’t know why any healthy person in his or her right mind would ever be in possession of any amount of crack or cocaine unless someone slipped it into their purse or pocket when they weren’t looking. Perhaps I’m only lucky, but so far it hasn’t happened to me. If it gets to be such a problem in your neighborhood that you are afraid you’ll be unjustly imprisoned, you might consider sewing up the pockets in your pants.

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12. Once upon a time Aunt Margaret down in Washington County, which is as far east as you can go in the United States, put out by the road in front of her house a basket full of zuccini. By the basket she put up a big sign that said, “Free.” A car bearing New York license plates stopped by the basket. A woman got out of the car and walked up to the house and knocked on the door. When Aunt Margaret answered, the New York woman asked if the contents of the basket were really free. When assured that they were indeed free, she asked how many she could take. “Well,” she was told: “as many as you can use.” Whereupon, the New York woman said, “What are they?”

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