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Rants May 22, 2011

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1. We read that the legislature is considering a bill that seeks legal standing for the unborn child. If this were carried to its logical conclusion could a man be arrested for child abuse should his foot inadvertently slip off his bike pedal?

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2. A reader writes: “we are outdone by the Chinese who practice that modern educational experience called rote memorization. “ As someone who almost starved to death in France from not knowing the French words for “Where can I get food?” and as a person who has walked into the kitchen of a restaurant in Greece and pointed at boiling pan of beef stew, I am a firm believer in rote --- at least when it comes to learning languages. The language teachers who helped me the most stressed memorization of complete sentences. As an irresponsible youth the first thing I learned to say in Swedish was “Where can I get a housekeeper?” In Spanish: “Who are those two girls in the living room? They’re pretty.” In German: “Where do I have to go to kiss this girl?” In Italian, where absolutely no time is wasted: “I know you’re married but wouldn’t you like to come up to my room for just a drink?” Of course it is much more poetic, subtle and flowery in the original languages, even when delivered with a thick Maine accent. While romping through Europe as a young man --- and please remember that I was a single young man for 49 years --- I quickly realized the value in acquiring what Europeans call “a sleeping dictionary.” Once past that point, one quickly learns, by rote, how to say many every day, common things. Pedants may hate me if they will but I say forget the grammar. It’s listening to language tapes for hundreds of hours and begging your foreign neighbors to exchange at least a few simple words with you that will enable you to buy food when you travel. By the way, you now know someone who started to learn how to read French at the age of 62 --- as a matter of survival --- and although no old man from the Maine coast could ever learn to speak French as she is spoke, at least some of us can now avoid a hungry night in Rheims by pointing at “Un Mc Donald avec de la mayonnaise” on the menu.

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3. It’s old news now. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his maid of 20 years had a love child. If you were to search, you could probably find millions of somewhat similar cases in the US over the past 20 years. There is something about the proximity of a trusted third party and the laughter and the tears that make us human that lends itself to this type of indiscretion in almost every home and certainly every workplace. Many years ago a man who is no longer living told me that it once happened to him in the workplace. Not a word had been said but they’d been looking at each other for months before that day when they tried to pass each other on a narrow set of stairs. Although I’ve never read up on the science behind this “damn the torpedoes” state of mind, you might tell me that the irrational chemistry responsible for it is hard-wired into the human brain. The movie Down and Out In Beverly Hills comes quickly to mind. You will recall that Nick Nolte left no sheet unturned. Anyway, those of us who live in Maine find it difficult to believe that anyone smart enough to get elected governor could be all that sloppy in his private life. Years ago we recall hearing that several women came out with stories of being groped by the mighty Schwarzenegger, but it was only much later that we learn he wasn't using his hands.

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4. Soni from down Eastport way writes: “It would benefit a lot of people if you wrote a book entitled, Why Wars Started.” That is a very flattering thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if such a book exists. I’d like to read it myself. I do have an outline of ancient history which pretty well tells us who was doing what to whom that would pretty well cover two millennia. And when George W. Bush was elected I did read a lot of German history and, in all my innocence at the time, was amazed at the parallels between the modus operandi of Nazi Germany and Republican America. You can find much of Howard Zinn’s history on line. But I’m afraid that any contributions I might make to our society would be through simply passing along to you little historical items of interest I’ve read in the Encyclopedia Britannica --- until I am perhaps shot or taken off the air by someone who would just as soon that you didn’t know about it. http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/zinnselhel15.html

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5. You probably heard that they quickly caught that armed robber who held up the fried chicken restaurant. Although he escaped with an armload of cash and fried chicken, within an hour he showed up at the emergency room and asked to have his stomach pumped.

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6. Here’s a letter to the editor of the BDN blog which I read and contribute to faithfully every day. It is signed and it says: “I listen to MPBN every day, I enjoy much of their content, and I support them financially. But I do think Public Broadcasting has sown the seeds of their own demise with clear left-of-center programming choices. I can't say I'm surprised there is a backlash... “ I wrote a quick response that said, Could it be that MPBN management has sown the seeds of its own demise with clear right-of-center programming choices and advertisers? Are you surprised there is a backlash? One hears from insiders that MPBN has lost over $250,000 from contributors since cutting a popular program from their schedule. So MPBN obviously has money to throw away when it suits their programming agenda. You might also remember how MPBN ignored a large public write-in which asked to hear the liberal Amy Goodman a few years ago. If MPBN has a problem getting money from the legislature, it might be that legislators either miss some of their favorite programs or perhaps got a look at the top MPBN management salaries that begathons have been funding for years.

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7. We read that a Maine contractor is likely to be fined for scraping lead paint off a house. Humans have been poisoning themselves with lead for several millennia, making lead poisoning one of the oldest environmental hazards. But we are unique in being the first generation to understand that only a microscopic amount of lead can harm us. --- And that children are inordinately susceptible. Our home was 200 years old on May 11 so we are no different from thousands of our neighbors here on the coast of Maine who were born and brought up in an ancient house covered inside and out with lead paint. For 20 decades the lead paint that the weather peeled off all of these homes remained next to the foundation where it fell. As I recall, years ago our drinking water came into the house through an old lead pipe. Not good. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never been able to hold an 8 to 5 job because right around 1 PM I get so tired I can hardly walk. We might never know why some people can work 18 hours a day while others who eat right and exercise can’t get out of their own tracks. It’s tough to break a life-long habit. Many of us live in ancient houses for the same reason our neighbors in the west rebuild on floodplains every 10 years or so --- or why some Japanese live on the beach: we do like it where we are and really can’t afford to throw out the old place in plastic containers and start out fresh somewhere else. In a way, are not those of us who live in old houses or on the banks of Old Miss much like our corpulent friends who finish off a six pack and a half carton of Ukrainian Luckies every day? We all figure that eventually you have to die from something.

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8. Did you hear about that girl from Friendship, Maine who flew to Los Angeles to spend a weekend with her boyfriend? I'm sure that there are girls in Los Angeles who flew to Maine last week to see boyfriends. Why should travel be the only solution to spending a weekend alone? Isn't there an agency that could have made all four of these young people happy without needless cross-country travel? Only the airlines would oppose it. This idea is not original. You can probably think of many of your friends who realized the opportunities in similar programs years ago.

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9. Did you see that the legislature is thinking about boosting the speed limit to 75 mph on the big road up in the County? We would probably all agree that there is no one all-purpose speed limit that suits everyone. While creeping home from Montreal one night I finally stopped and slept in the truck because of the many moose in the road. And then, one night, I drove home on the Airline, creeping along because I was afraid of seeing a moose, only to finally meet one in the middle of the road at the entrance to the Camden Hills State Park. Even more dangerous than moose are the young girls who sunbathe near the road just to see how many cars they can put in the ditch. I can bring two girls to mind who used to boast of it. Anyone who drives on 95 between Jacksonville and Richmond on a regular basis knows that for some inexplicable reason most of the vehicles holding their place in line move at anywhere from 70 to 82 or so miles per hour. Drive faster or slower than everyone else in a moving pack and you are a hazard. Some of us --- old and young alike --- who can’t see like most young people, realize that we are taking a risk when we drive at night. On the other hand, we have the young and ignorant, believing themselves to be invincible, who jeopardize the rest of us and increase our insurance rates by whipping in and out and around, only to cut us off at the next exit. To complicate the speed limit matter everyone knows that there is a difference between day and night driving. Snow, dust, smoke, pouring rain or even the sun directly in your eyes are variables that cannot be accommodated by an ignorant sign. Very soon speed will probably be regulated by electronic signs which could change on a minute to minute basis --- just like those in front of your favorite gas station.

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10. Remember back when young girls used to worry before dates --- didn't know what to do or say? In 1949 when I was in high school young girls could find out how to handle their adolescent problems by reading articles in magazines. Nowadays it is young girls who are writing these articles and when old folks read them they are amazed at how much there is out there that they didn’t know.

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11. Any number of up-to-date soul enriching philosophies are now available to anyone able to turn on a radio or TV. Did you hear about the latest one to be touted by a man in California who had taken the mystery out of his life by consulting chicken bones? A middle-aged woman, who very wisely brought her problems to the bones, reported that her husband had run off with a 17-year-old girl. Then, realizing his mistake, the husband had repented and come home for a 30-day breather, only to run off again with a 19-year-old. The chicken bones did not hesitate, but immediately observed, "Cheer up, he's starting to like older women."

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12. Although you will never hear me repeat a word of gossip, I heard that last week after a dance a Rockland High School senior drove a Camden freshman girl home. When she got to her doorstep, she asked that he not tell anyone that he brought her home. He said, "Don't worry, I'm just as ashamed of it as you are."

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