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Rants January 8, 2012

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1. Someone sent me this story in an email and I’m going to read all of it for you except the ending, and if you listen closely you’ll understand why I’m not going to read the ending. The story goes something like this: One day I had lunch with some friends. Peter, a man about 80-years-old was among them. Everyone ordered healthy meals except Peter who ordered ice cream and lemon meringue pie. But then he explained by saying, “I’m 80. Life is short and I don’t want to miss out on anything good. I’m going to eat all the cake, pie and ice cream that I can. If I were to die tonight, I’d be happy, knowing that I had lived life to the fullest. I missed out on nothing. I accommodated my heart’s every desire.” Realizing that my old friend was right, I beckoned to the waitress…

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2. Perhaps you will tell me -- what is the matter with me? Can you believe that I don’t give a rat’s rear end about where Tom Cruise is or what he is doing? I have never seen the TV program that loves Raymond and I would rather take a beating than watch a baseball, football or basketball game. I would rather watch a baseball game than American Idol. I can’t get excited about most programs that feature crime scene investigations because we see more and more people on TV nowadays who are not breathing. They probably work cheap. I don’t dance, I don’t ski, I don’t go on picnics, I don’t braid rugs and I don’t go hunting. Although I once had to conduct Beethoven’s 9th Symphony I don’t care for concerts. So, if you are hearing my voice for the first time, because there is only one thing left for most any American citizen, you probably think you know how I get through the evenings. But you are wrong: I don’t drink and I never did. I’m the humble farmer at gmail dot com and I hope you’ll tell me how the cream of what American culture has to offer has passed me by. Am I driven by environment or genes? What do you do to enrich your life and how might I profit by your example? Please remember that I would find the social life of a cave dwelling monk to be an intolerable whirlwind.

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3. Nancy says, I would rather have my eyes poked out than watch any professional sporting event on TV … I would watch American Idol if I was strapped into a chair, having been kidnapped by terrorists who had sewn my eyelids open. But I would try to hold my breath until I passed out or died. I do watch TV, but I don't find much I like (exceptions: The Good Wife and Big Bang Theory). But I would find the life of a cave-dwelling monk to be intolerable. I used to like watching the machinations of politics (always a love-hate) but now I just hate it because politics have gone over the edge into absurd but dangerous territory and I don't see the way back, given the 24/7 hate and lies cycle. It's no longer any fun at all. I'm searching for a new planet. Or perhaps I'll just move to Newfoundland." Well, now won’t we all have to check out The Good Wife and Big Bang Theory just to see why they could interest anyone as clever as Nancy?

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4. I invite friends to my home. You see, it really doesn’t make any difference if you invite people to your home or if you put up a chain link fence and “beware of the dog” sign, because nobody is going to visit you anyway. People live their lives looking at the clock, watching the hands spin around, as they rend their garments and cry that they don’t seem to be getting anything done because there is no time to do anything. And when you do finish a project, you toss and turn in bed that night because you only got it done by putting off some other terrible chore that really should have been done. I’m not saying that I don’t have visitors. Throughout the summer hundreds of cars raise a dust in my dooryard, but people drive in and quickly drive out without even shutting off the motor. This puts them in the same category as our friends who tour five European countries in three days. They can say that they were there but it was no more than a tiresome bother. And, when it comes right down to it, would anyone in his right mind stop in to take pot luck with a man who thinks that the art of conversation is the ability to talk about himself? What in the world could they expect to get out of a visit with me? And suppose they didn’t like Marsha’s cooking. Because my friends are cultured people they would have to pretend that they liked roast chicken with cranberry sauce and fresh asparagus followed by strawberry shortcake. Of course, at your house I’d be honest and wouldn’t pretend to like any strange and mysterious items put before me. If it isn’t something my mother served every day in 1939, I don’t dare to eat it. I was invited to a friend’s house one night and when she heaped my plate with some veggies that would burn the tonsils out of an El Paso lawman, I simply squirmed and looked at my plate until it was time to go home. What do you do when you’re asked to eat something you’ve never seen before?

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5. My friend David Ebert writes: "In the post Civil War days, private prisons made a profit by renting out labor. At first, prisons like Angola in Louisiana kept mostly blacks, arrested for little or nothing, so they were rented out to the plantations where they had formerly been slaves. It continued into the 1960's. This practice was stopped for a time, but it's back in two ways. 1) As Humble says, all the prisoners bleed the taxpayers dry because a for-profit company holds them, so not only do we pay the expenses, but we additionally pay a profit. 2) Prisons rent out prisoners for all kinds of jobs now. In fact, prisoners are being given your credit card numbers and addresses, because they are working phone sales for numerous companies. Chances are good if you call a hot line to buy a carrot peeler, you're talking to a prisoner. The reason telemarketing managers are hiring prison inmates is simple. They need people who work cheap, won’t call in sick and are there on time every day.

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6. My friend Squander writes to say, "Talking on the phone today to an intelligent man who is housebound...and listens to Rush Limbaugh on the radio and is reading George W. Bush's book "Decisions"...amazing choices. What IS this world coming to?" Well, I see nothing wrong with reading GWB's book, do you? I've read Hitler's book many times. There is nothing wrong with reading, as long as you read enough. Do you really suppose that if everyone had read Hitler’s book as much as I have, that GWB could have been president? Or that he could have ever been in a position to enrich his friends by starting a war and bringing down our economy? I would argue that there is nothing wrong with reading --- as long as you read enough.

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7. I have no idea of what we are going to talk about today. When I look through my notes I see that every time I thought of something I wanted to tell you I was interrupted when I was trying to write it down. Four hours later there is no way I can remember what it was I wanted to say. Here’s one here. All it says is: “What a different place our world would be today if Cain had been gay.” Now --- I have to admit that I have no idea of where I was going with that. Was I going to suggest that had Cain been gay there would be no wars? Or was I going to turn it completely around and say that would have made Cain the first gay basher? I don’t know. Here’s another example. One morning after taking my shower I stood before the bathroom mirror and saw several long straight red streaks on my side. I immediately recognized the pattern of red lines because the day before I had seen a map of the most popular South American landing strips for aliens. But before I could take notes on what could have turned into a best-selling book I was told in no uncertain terms to stop admiring my body and carry out the trash. Have you ever been able to finish even the simplest of projects at home before you were interrupted by a phone call or a visitor or someone barking imperious commands from the kitchen? Where do suppose you and I would be today if --- after he had written, “When in the Course of human events…” --- someone had hollered, “You get in here and eat before it gets cold.”

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8. Did you read that some hockey player stood out on the ice before a crowd of people and proposed to his girlfriend? It reminds me that more than 20 years ago while standing on a stage in front of 100 or so people, I asked my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, if she'd marry me. As I recall, she was sitting in the back of the room and her reply was, "Not until I check your bank statement." Luckily, she never did. Although our wedding warranted a two-page spread in Sam Pennington's Antique Digest, I don't recall as anyone saw anything unusual about my proposing from a platform and it never made the papers. My wife has never considered divorce. She knows that at my age it will be more expedient to simply sweat it out and pay off the mortgage with my life insurance. Anyway, I'm sure this nice young hockey player and his wife will enjoy many happy years of marriage --- as long as he is mature enough to always do what she says.

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9. Now that we are told that Bush's illegal Iraq war is over, we are being asked to "chip in whatever you can afford during this season of giving as a tax-deductible contribution to the Wounded Warrior Project." It seems like the American public is being suckered again. You start a war that makes you billions and now you want part of my $481 a month Social Security to pick up your tab for collateral damage? If U. S. soldiers had squatted down in my rhubarb patch and helped me pick off invading Peruvians, you better believe I'd do whatever I could to help my fighting friends after the smoke cleared. But we are talking about something else here. You invaded a far away country without regard for life or limb or international law and now you're asking me help our dutiful warriors who were shipped home with no arms, eyes, minds or legs. I'm sorry, but I can't buy your package. I protest. Many people in the military signed up so they could retire with health care and a juicy pension at 38. Some signed up because it was either that or go to jail. I hope they all understood when they enlisted that should Canadian soldiers march on Detroit, they would be called upon to man the barricades. But I don't believe that invading a small country just so a few millionaires could become billionaires was part of the enlistment package. When told that they were being shipped to Iraq, our troops who were really brave patriotic Americans sat down and said, "Put me in jail or shoot me but I ain't going."

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10. Presidential debates are always instructional. What kind of a person would you like to see at the helm of what could be the most influential country in the world? Does what is between that person’s ears count with you? Let’s be honest. From what we see in presidential debates, do you consider the factors that will elect our next president to be blatantly superficial and cosmetic? Can you imagine presidential candidate George Washington being interviewed by a Fox “news” reporter? More important than his being able to attend to the needs of the people in his country would be George’s opinions on homosexuality, birth control, abortion, and his need to understand why we maintain hundreds of expensive U. S. military bases in several dozen countries around the world. If George Washington had started out in the world we have today wouldn’t you be much more likely to see Joel Osteen on the dollar bill?

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11. Here’s that ad for face cream that keeps appearing on the side of your computer’s screen. It says, “Botox Doctors enraged. Tenants Harbor mom is 57, looks 25 again.” Is there enough face cream in the world to make a 57 year-old woman look 25? If they are going to lie like that, why don’t they change it to: “Tenants Harbor mom is 57, looks 25 again, is mistakenly ravished by own son.”

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