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Rants March 4, 2012

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1. Next week I'm scheduled for a nerve test in my feet. In reading the directions just now I notice that it says "1. Please wear shorts or a skirt for the test." Because I can’t find a pair of shorts I have no choice but to wear one of my wife's skirts. Yes, I could carry a bagpipe so I don’t feel foolish. After all, I am a full 1/4 Scottish. Which reminds me that my grandmother, whose parents were born in Aberdeen, used to sing this song: “There was a bonny Scotsman who fought at Waterloo. The wind blew up his kiltie, and I don’t know what happened then.”

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2. Wouldn’t you think it would be rather presumptuous of me to die from a drug overdose? After all, I’m not famous.

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3. When the temperature in Florida drops down to 60, the weather man tells everyone to remember to bring their pets in at night. When I mentioned this to John in Brunswick, Maine he said, “It’s been bitter cold the past 2 days here; in the teens overnight, and a decent wind chill. However, bringing pets in because it’s 60 degrees; give me a break. It reminds me of an old friend that went to see the Miami Dolphins years ago. It was 70 degrees, he was in shorts and a t-shirt, and the folks around him were wearing winter clothes and wrapped in blankets. He thought they were nuts, and they though he was nuts. I think they all were nuts!!!” I have to agree with John. Who would go to Miami just to watch dolphins?

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4. One afternoon my wife Marsha and I went to a funeral. When we left I said, “When I die, I do not want people to have a Celebration of My Life. There will be no celebration of my life. I want a funeral.” Marsha said, “I wasn’t planning on doing anything.”

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5. We read that the conservative billionaires Charles and David Koch plan to dump a fortune into making you a less-informed voter. When a conservative candidate spends hundreds of millions to misinform to enable them to buy a political office, they are well aware that the amount of spending can never reach the point of diminishing returns. By removing Obama, --- that is another way of saying by removing regulations that keep poison out of your food and your air --- the billionaires expect at least a tenfold return on their investment. If you were able to watch the Republican debates without laughing, you might be aware that the misinformation is already out there. And --- if you’ve read any number of letters to the editor in your local paper don’t you have to ask yourself how spending money to further misinform some of our honest but uneducated neighbors could possibly make them any more misinformed than they already are? Do you think it would be better to forget about elections or government altogether and simply let the country run itself according to God’s plan?

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6. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

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7. A friend in Washington Country sent me a revealing chart of the United States, and what immediately caught my attention in this chart was that those states where income and healthcare and education levels are the lowest, are the states where the multitudes crowd into stadiums to hear famous preachers, like Joel Ornsteen. If I had to start over I think I'd wrap myself in Confederate flags and become an evangelist. Would you dare to say anything bad about an evangelist? --- A man of God? If you think about it, you can’t say anything bad about an evangelist --- even when they’re in jail for scamming people out of money. And listen to this. Radio friend Tim says that the evangelism industry would take it as government interference in the lawful pursuit of their trade if those states improved their education systems --- because it would prove that they were anti-business.

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8. Some people hoping to control their small children are warned about a fictitious character named the Boogey Man. Some people hoping to control illiterate and untraveled Americans warn them about a Boogey man called taxes. There are people in Africa who are much like the biggest corporations in America in that they pay no taxes. Not enough Americans know that in Northern Europe where taxes are high, people have great healthcare, and great educations. Everything else that makes up a good lifestyle follows high taxes, great healthcare and great educations. In some countries where taxes are low, people are living on muddy hillsides in tin and cardboard shacks. So --- please remember: It’s not what you earn or how much of your income goes for taxes --- it’s what kind of a lifestyle you have when you have worked for a year and look around you. I’m not hungry, I’m able to make my monthly mortgage payment, I have most of my teeth, I don’t earn enough to pay an income tax, and thanks to a couple of generous friends I now have solar radiant heat in my cellar. So I’m way ahead of millions of Americans who lost their homes and are on the street. In the US people are defined by income. They should be defined by lifestyle. I’m very satisfied with my lifestyle. I do have to admit that my lifestyle would be noticibly better if I earned a million dollars a year and gave up 95 percent of it in taxes.

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9. Winky was working at the airport baggage area, when a woman came over to the counter and said that her bags never showed up. Winky said, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

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10. Have you ever rented a movie from Netflix and discovered that the language in it was so vulgar that you had to turn it off? I recently learned that if you rent the cheapest hotel room that you can find in the cheapest hotel in Florida, you will discover that men really do use that kind of filthy gutter language out front of your door while discussing domestic matters in a very loud voice with their wives and children. You probably haven’t heard anything like it since they released the Nixon tapes. I broke out my video camera and was going to record it. But Marsha said, “What’s the matter with you. He lost his job and the bank foreclosed on their home.” I felt kind of ashamed of myself. You know, it is going to take more than four years to repair the damage done over the previous eight.

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11. Please listen closely because I’m about to say something that might make your life easier. You know that I could never afford to have children. But when I married the widow Marsha VanZandbergen she had two wonderful daughters. And now my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has three grandchildren. When the oldest one turned six, although they live in Fort Kent way up by the Canadian border, they drove five hours to get to our farm because the child wanted to celebrate her birthday here with us. I was out in the barn working on my hot water solar collectors during the party, but looked up often enough to notice that the dooryard was full of cars. You know how gobs of cake and partially masticated cookies get ground into the floor at these things, so you can believe that I rushed right in to vacuum up the mess as soon as they were gone. And here is the tip that could save you a lot of bother: At this party --- not one crumb on the floor. Someone had brought a dog. (081102)

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12. You have certainly heard that ten thousand years ago people were just as smart as we are now. You might say that is a terrible thing to wish upon a primitive society, but I read it in a magazine so it must be true. Back then if someone had something you wanted, you’d kill them and take it. I suppose that’s the main difference between a primitive and a civilized society.

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