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Rants March 18, 2012

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1. You might have read that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. They say it is because she smells like a new truck.

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2. While eating a hot chicken sandwich, I watched Channel 42 long enough to see Jor-El predict the destruction of Krypton. The planet had exploded and Superman was on his way to save earth when I shut it down and moved toward the kitchen with my dishes. In the scenes I saw, council members call Jor-El a fool and a traitor for predicting the collapse of Krypton. But they still looked surprised when the roof fell in on them. This was written way back in 1938 so you’ve had more than a few chances to see Krypton self-destruct in a comic book or on some kind of screen. So now, keeping the warning of Jor-El and the subsequent destruction of Krypton firmly in mind, please return to earth and think about a man who is the leader of a powerful country. He enriches a few of his friends by starting a meaningless war in a far away part of the world. He enriches even more of his friends by removing regulations on financial institutions. By the way, Roosevelt put these regulations on financial institutions over 70 years ago the last time the country went bankrupt to prevent it from going belly up again. As might well be expected, the banks go bankrupt again as do millions of people who foolishly borrowed more than they should have. Unemployment and budget cuts are rampant. Everyone agrees that it would take a skilled manager many years to repair the damage this man and his rapacious friends have done to the entire world economy --- because, yes, the economic damage spreads to other countries. And yet --- less than three years later voters forget what caused the mess in the first place and parade in the streets and put signs on their lawns to bring the same tribe back to power. So. What do you suppose the naysayers on Krypton would do if they were given a second chance and heard Jor-El repeat his warning about the destruction of Krypton? Unless they are a lot different from the people on this planet, they’d call him a fool and a traitor and watch the house fall in on their heads again.

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3. Back in the good old days privilege was inherited. The lord of the manor passed on the estate to his eldest son. Which is why so many of the oldest sons were killed in hunting accidents. But since the French Revolution the rich have had to buy privilege. One of my rich friends says it's annoying to have to stop at a 4 way intersection, and thinks it would be nice to be able to buy the right of way. Why, he asks, should a guy in a three piece suit in a BMW have to stop and wait for a rusted out hulk with the bumper dragging on the ground to get across the intersection? Back in the 17th century, you would have simply run right over them with your gilded carriage.

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4. You must have seen the advertisement for the product that keeps your cat from tracking cat box bacteria across your kitchen counter. Cat box bacteria is an euphemism for you know what and I don't think this product is going to sell, because those of us who love cats don't care if a little bit of cat do-do gets tracked across the cutting board where we make sandwiches. You can't even see it. Why should we start worrying about cat mess in the food now, after we've been eating it all these years? You must have seen this ad. I still don't know what they're advertising and all I remember is seeing the furry little cat feet tracking you know what onto the table where people eat. I personally resent having some advertiser making slanderous remarks about my kitty. Can you think of a nicer way to spend an evening than sitting before the television, cuddling and petting an animal that just ate two of the neighbor's poisoned rats?

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5. From time to time I come across a story that I suspect will make you laugh. Here’s one if you are ready? At a Senate hearing, the managers of a coal mine said that they did not put profits ahead of safety.

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6. One of my neighbors came up to me at the annual Blueberry Cove lobster feast fundraiser and told me how good I looked. Do you like to have people tell you how good you look? Is this not another way of saying that you don’t look any worse than you did the last time they saw you? Are they not implying that they are amazed? “Hi Robert. My, but you look good.” Is there any reason I should not look good? You probably know that I am probably in a remarkable state of preservation for a 76-year-old man. I have always had the posture of a cave dweller and even 50 years ago had you dressed me in a wooly mammoth skin, and photographed me slouching along with a club over my shoulder --- you know, and dragging a woman by the hair, you could have sold pictures of the tableau to a museum for display purposes. I am genetically predisposed to slouch. So even when I was 20 I had the posture of a very old man, and I haven’t changed. And when you are not an attractive man when you are 20, you couldn’t get any worse by the time you’re 70, so relatively speaking, your friends probably think you look good. If you are ready to take notes, I will pass along to you the secret for not looking any worse at 70 than you did at 20. #1. I did not smoke, which, as every woman knows, causes wrinkles. #2. I avoid the sun and wear a long sleeved shirt and hat and long pants when I’m out in the sun. Every woman knows that sun on the face causes wrinkles. And finally, the most important anti-aging secret of all --- the reason I do not stagger about with a haggard drooping nether lip and eyes that stare vacantly off into space --- I could never afford to have children. 060811

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7. You know that I want to put my farm into conservation so it cannot be broken up into house lots by my heirs. Houses are going in on three sides of my 82 acres on the ocean. Can you imagine what will happen if I succeed in preserving my woods and fields? In 100 years my farm will be just like Central Park in New York City. In 100 years my farm might be the only place in St. George, Maine where you can go to get mugged and ravished.

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8. You might remember seeing me put up a staging on one warm summer day so my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, could scrape and paint the house. I do not mention this to boast and brag about what a thoughtful helpmate I am but to enrich your marriage by suggesting to you that a truly creative husband can manifest his love in many unique and wonderful ways.

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9. When my friend Winky was very young, he went to the senior class prom with a girl who was wearing a low, low-cut off the shoulder dress. And after a while curiosity got the best of him and Winky said, “What is keeping that dress on you?” She said, “Only the onions on your breath.” (Chauncey Depew)

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10. My friend Winky has given up his five-mile morning run and is now getting most of his exercise by attending square dances. Winky claims he gets more than three times the workout of an average aerobics class because the caller stutters.

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11. I recently had a chance to use my somewhat limited Spanish. The woman making the courtesy call for Discover card had a strong Spanish accent, so when she asked if Marsha was home, I said, "Que lastimme, No esta aqu” She asked, "So she's not home?" I said, "Claro." She said she'd call back later and I said, "Merci."

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12. Dick Cash used to sing a song called You’ve Changed. It’s such a good tune that Don Doane has probably recorded it. Don’t we all change? Wouldn’t it be terrible if we didn’t? I have the same eyes that I had when I was in the first grade but isn’t it interesting that they don’t see things the way they did in 1941? You have heard me say on too many occasions that I was a single man between the ages of 34 and 54. For 20 years, those years when most men are building equity while enjoying a happy and comfortable hearth and home, life for me was a constant daily struggle --- to keep from becoming involved in a meaningful relationship. But for 20 or so years now, my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has been a part of my existence and I would not have it any other way. The other day I got to thinking how impossibly difficult it would be, starting over out there again, all alone in the hard, cold world. In case you haven't been paying attention lately, nowadays most of the available nice looking young girls have children who are 35 years old.

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