Rants May 6, 2012

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1. Did you hear that children are getting sick because they are drinking hand sanitizer liquid to get high? It contains alcohol. We are told that to prevent kids from drinking hand sanitizer it contains a chemical that gives it a bitter, nasty taste. You probably laughed if you heard that, because has it ever stopped people from drinking beer or wine?

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2. From time to time you see some oppressed person in one of those totalitarian countries hiding in some embassy or being hauled up before some people’s court for saying or thinking something he shouldn’t have said or thought. You know, there are countries where you have to be very careful about what you think or say. And when someone speaks the truth which might go against the status quo in one of these oppressive, totalitarian countries, in this country he becomes a hero and it never fails to make headlines here on the national news. Thank goodness we live in a country where we have freedom of speech ---- as long as we don’t say something that annoys somebody. What do you think would happen if President Obama were to go on TV and ask people not to eat yellow snow? Wouldn’t it be fun to hear the folks on Fox News the next day telling us that yellow snow should be an integral part of everyone’s diet?

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3. Let's get away from politics and sink our teeth into some irrefutable science. A person in Rockland writes that "Every year thousands of men, women and teens with same-sex inclinations make the personal decision to exit a homosexual lifestyle which they no longer desire" Near these words several scientific web sites are cited. There is no longer any doubt but what a simple matter of prayer can determine which sex one finds attractive. Sexual orientation is therefore determined by personal choice and seems to have nothing to do with the pre-programmed molecular structure of one's brain. This must work both ways. If I get tired of living with my wife I could make a personal decision to abandon our marriage and run off with some young man. It's nice to learn that there are alternatives because at 76 there are so few choices still available to one. But I just told Marsha that she still looks good to me. And she is glad I have not yet made that personal decision to find men sexually attractive. I have many male friends in the gay community who will welcome this news.

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4. I know nothing about the science of why people gain or lose weight. I know nothing about genes and even less about calories or food groups. You know that with the right genes, some skinny people can eat anything and everything and stay skinny. You know that overweight people are likely to make all kinds of excuses about genes and eating habits to alleviate the guilt they might feel about being portly. They’ll make a big show of eating a salad at the office at noon and then eat who knows what when they get home at night when nobody is watching. You’ve seen this and you know what I’m talking about here. You know that some of us have to pay a price to keep our guts from spilling down over our belts. I have not had a taste of ice cream for over 7 years. Could you do it? I haven't had a piece of pie or nibble of cake or a piece of bacon or sausage for over 7 years. Could you do it? Is keeping off a gut worth that much to you? Of course I don't drink alki, which everyone knows is terribly fattening. I don't like candy anyway, I feel sick when I eat chocolate, so that doesn't even enter into the equation. Do you know how much I would like to eat one of Marsha’s ginger snap cookies? If you’ve eaten one of them at the Common Ground Fair --- I give them out at the Common Ground Fair --- If you’ve eaten one of Marsha’s ginger snaps at the Common Ground Fair you know how good they are. I haven't had one for over 7 years. I feel I can write and talk about being overweight because I am not a skinny person who can eat anything and everything. I am an old man who is trying to eke out a couple more years above ground on this planet by being able to stoop over and tie his shoes. The easiest way for me to do it was to stop eating all those good things that make life worth living.

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5. There is a television screen on the east wall of the Pen Bay Medical Center and you can’t help but see it when you walk in the door. There came a day when I had the opportunity to sit in the lobby and read what flashed on that screen and you can imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of our Governor LePage. If you have paid any attention at all to Governor LePage since he was swept into office by Maine voters, would you be surprised to see his picture on a television screen in a Maine hospital? Wouldn’t you ask yourself what in the world Governor LePage could have possibly done to improve the health of Maine people to warrant such attention? And why should he be obligated to? When you sit down and think about it, what does improving the healthcare system in Maine --- or doing anything to improve the lives of Maine people --- have to do with being Open For Business? And isn’t he the man who said he wouldn’t sign the budget because it didn’t cut enough money out of the food stamp program for hungry Maine folks who couldn’t find decent jobs? Anyway, although it went by very quickly, I think I read below the Governor’s picture that he was signing a proclamation designating March National Nutrition Month in Maine.

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6. The other day some friends and I were discussing the great living conditions working people enjoy in Northern Europe. As you know, my wife and I have lived abroad in two different countries. They are two of the healthiest, happiest, best educated and prosperous countries in the Western World. We’ve also been back there many times since we lived there and our European friends and relatives have been to Maine to visit us. I can read or speak the languages employed there so we have a pretty good idea of the history of those countries as well as what is happening there today. While we were talking about these countries, a woman in our discussion group said, “My mother-in-law's family left Norway and settled in Minnesota. I wonder what they were trying to escape by traveling thousands of miles into an undeveloped land of ice and snow? Was it the unbeatable healthcare, the superior government, or the great educational system?” That ended the conversation. The rest of us could only stand and look at each other because there is no way to respond to a person who has no idea that Norway has moved forward socially and politically over the past 130 years along with the other countries in Northern Europe. My father went hungry in Sweden in 1916 because in wartime Swedish farmers got more money selling their crops to other countries. But that doesn’t mean that 90 years later people are going hungry in Sweden. Or that Finns are still moving to the United States in hopes of finding employment. Or that Danish children drop out of school in the 8th grade to carve wooden shoes. Unfortunately, this woman votes and there are millions just like her without even an elementary grasp of historical perspective or the place of a U. S. citizen on the rungs a world-wide socio-economic ladder. If there is any hope for this country it lies in the young people who will travel in Northern Europe, perhaps even go to school there, and then come home and work to salvage whatever our military-industrial complex might have left standing.

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7. You might have read that climate change has raised global sea levels by eight inches since the late 19th century. Yeah. So what. What’s the big deal. The ocean has been going up and down for thousands and even millions of years. Ever since I was a little kid 70 years ago I have seen land sliding into the water in one particular place on the St. George River. I know that we’ve been losing land to the ocean every year since I was a little kid because I’ve seen land eaten away by salt water. But if a foreign power were seizing that much of our land every year, even the liberals would gear up and demand that we go to war. I didn’t think that an 8 inch rise of seawater in the past century was all that much. But then I read, “Scientists expect waters to rise 20-80 more inches this century, depending on whether the world gets it together policy-wise” and that was a bit too much to take. They’re trying to tell me that in the next century the ocean is going to rise up to 10 times faster than it did over the past hundred years. I couldn’t believe it and figured it was propaganda put out by some liberal group with some axe to grind. So I sent this information Professor Curt Stager who is a geologist who has been studying climate change for years and has even written a book about it. And although I couldn’t believe it, Professor Stager says that the information is correct and that there are even some scientists who think it is going to be even more drastic than that. You know, if were a rich man making plans for my grandchildren, I wouldn’t be setting them up in retirement homes in New Orleans or anywhere on the coast of Florida.

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8. Long time radio friend Bev writes to tell me she hasn’t seen my weekly newsletter, The Whine and Snivel, lately. Bev says “So many people are on the stupid face book now too but the kind of humor and commentary you put out is very good and informative and we all enjoy it. Thanks for all your hard work. Bev” I should mention that Facebook is only as stupid as the people who contribute to it. I have yet to pick up any of the Ron Paul communist/anarchist people. And only a couple of fascists write things on my Facebook page which I leave there for its entertainment and educational value because the majority of my many friends can and do read. You know that I have read much in the diaries of Goebbels and realize that today, more than ever, it is important to know how these extreme right-leaning people think as they are breeding like flies in the aftermath of the eight-year GWB economic disaster. So I tolerate their comments on my Facebook page so that people who don’t want to bother to read extensively in the genesis of Nazi Germany can see where these folks are coming from today. There is nothing like parousiamania or worrying about losing your house or having enough to eat to make people clutch at the fascist straw. Of course, most of the super rich folks who bought Congress and the Supreme Court are already charter members of the party. Bev should know that the majority of my Facebook friends approximate my intelligent and/or well-read and well traveled radio friends who also continue to educate me with their contributions. So please --- don’t underestimate Facebook as an educational tool.

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9. Do you dare to answer your telephone anymore without first knowing who is calling? I just let it ring until you say, “Hey humble. Pick it up. It’s me, Brad Bradbury.” Marsha is still laughing. I'm in the next room and she answers the phone, even though it says "anonymous." She does it on purpose because she craves excitement and she knows what will happen. She hands me the phone and says, “It’s for you.” “Robert Skoglund here. What can I do for you?” “Hi there Robert. How are you today?” “What can I do for you?” “Well, I want to send you $150 worth of free gifts.” “Great. What’s your home telephone number?” “Why do you want my home telephone number?” “I want to call you back to let you know how much I appreciate your generous offer.” “I can’t give you my home phone number.” “Why not? If we’re going to be friends, I’m going to need your home number.” I start to cry, “Sob, why can’t I have your number? Boo hoo hoo.” And I’m really crying and slobbering here. “I want your number. It’s not fair that you have my number and I don’t have your number.” And I carry on for a minute or more, crying and slobbering into the phone without pause while whining that it’s not fair that I don’t have his telephone number. And somewhere in that period of time, my would-be friend is gone. I’m going to record it tomorrow for my television show. You’ve got to see it to appreciate it. One must assume that not many people have seen anything quite like it. Marsha enjoys my histrionics. She takes those anonymous calls on purpose. She’s still laughing.

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10. My weekly television program is distributed by Peg Media in Rockport, Maine. Like all good web pages, the Peg Media web page lists all the other shows that they distribute. It also lists how many stations have downloaded the shows from each producer. I’m way down the list --- 18th or 19th in download popularity, so I thought I’d see what the show at the top of the list was all about. You know, to see if I could add some different content to my show that would help my own ratings. And when I opened that web page of the most popular show on Peg Media, what do you suppose I read? “How can you recharge a boring sex life?” I’m going to repeat that. The first thing you will read when you check out the most popular television show distributed by Peg Media is “How can you recharge a boring sex life?” I know nothing about the topic, I don’t care to know anything about the topic, and it is a topic that I do not intend to cover on any of my upcoming radio or television shows. Please forgive me, but I try to talk about silly or interesting things and show pictures of myself doing funny things that can be enjoyed by the entire family. So it looks like I’d better get used to being in 18th or 19th place.

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