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Rants September 2, 2012

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1. My neighbor Winky’s wife was at her weight-watchers meeting when she says, "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather go dancing with a woman with a trim figure." Woman next to her says, “What's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm at these meetings."

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2. You might have recently read in the newspaper that there is a disagreement between lawmakers over the definition of ‘veteran.’ If he lives on the street, limps and walks about with a vacant stare, there’s a good chance he’s served our country with honor.

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3. Years ago one could see in schoolbooks a picture of the Statue Of Liberty. Underneath it was printed:

"Give me your tired, your poor

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

Did you read that some vandal has changed it with a spray paint can? Now you might find it says,

"Give me your tired, your poor

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

As long as they’re not

From some other countree.

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4. Someone said that our governor was going to China but I’m not sure of what he intends to do when he gets there. When GWB became president and very cleverly started wars and got serious about helping his rich friends loot our great country, I tried to build some solar hot water panels and solar photovoltaic panels because I knew the price of oil was going to go through the roof. Now, because we have been told that the Chinese government has been subsidizing the Chinese solar photovoltaic industry, it is much cheaper to install a solar photovoltaic system than it was 6 or 8 years ago and the price seems to be dropping every day. Although I’m pretty handy with my solar hot water heating system, which is now even warming my cellar floor, I know nothing about electricity. Some homemade photovoltaic panels that I made, along with some I bought from a friend for $230 (which are still leaning on the henhouse wall because in several years I haven’t found anyone either willing or able to plug them into the CPM grid), can now be bought factory made brand new for a hundred bucks or so. Many people got into trouble buying homes for $150,000 that quickly dropped in value by half, even as they lost their jobs. So if you didn’t buy a house then, you could pick up some bargains now, although the former home owners are broke, jobless and out on the street. By the same token if you didn’t put in a photovoltaic solar system 4 years ago, we hear that, thanks to the Chinese government’s subsidy to Chinese industry, it costs much less to install a photovoltaic system here today. Although we don’t want anything to do with the evil communists in Cuba, most everything we buy in a store today has been subsidized by a communist government that will eventually have your job --- unless you are in Congress or are working in a fast food restaurant. As the solar technology improves, even though the oil companies in particular and corporate America in general deprecate the use of free solar energy and are doing everything they can to curb the science, research will continue in progressive countries so the initial cost of going solar and getting free heat and electricity from the sun is very likely to keep dropping. Because at least half of our friends and neighbors believe that oil and coal are infinite resources and that investing in solar technology is a waste of taxpayer money, don’t expect to see too many solar related jobs created here. Because it’s a political/economic thing, you and I have seen people stand up and cheer when solar related companies fail in this country. Too many rich Americans want us to buy everything from the companies they own in China. I wouldn’t be surprised if our governor went to China to put a stop to this kind of thing, would you?

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5. The other day I was guilty of irrational bizarre behavior which was somewhat unusual for me. Thirty years ago it was my norm and if you knew me then you would have said that I was crazier than a back house rat. At the best I was peculiar. But one day I figured out why I behaved in the manner in which I did and that put an end to it right there. Do you have friends or neighbors who do strange things or who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation? They are probably one of those hapless souls who, like myself, have to eat every three hours to keep themselves on an even keel. On one day this month there were 19 people in and out of here, the dooryard was full of cars coming and going, we moved the cows across the road and I was trying to put mud on the sanded sheetrock walls in my cellar. There was so much going on that I forgot to have my mid-morning breakfast. Everyone knows that alcohol in the stomach determines what goes on between the ears. But few people realize that food does too. Don’t ask me to explain it. I know nothing of body chemistry but I do know that as long as I have something to eat every three hours I can pretty well pass for a normal, fumbling, old Maine man who is educated far beyond his ability to learn. Oh, I can go for 6 or 8 hours without eating. But then, if something rubs me the wrong way, I fly off the handle. Many years ago I mentioned this on my radio program and was surprised by the many letters I got from radio friends telling me that they knew exactly what I was talking about because they lived with a person who couldn’t go six hours without eating without going crazy. Do you know what I’m talking about here? Do you have a friend or spouse who sometimes exhibits irrational bizarre behavior? Reminding them to eat something or slipping them a snack every three hours might well make your life a lot easier.

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6. So many friends stop by to visit and so many friends use my driveway as a parking place or a thoroughfare, that I ask people to please park on the grass on my front lawn. If all my visitors would simply park way out on the lawn somewhere it would simplify my life and I wouldn’t have to spend too much of my day acting as a traffic officer. I’m getting very tired of begging my friends to park on the grass on my front lawn. I just realized all I really have to do is ask them to please stand aside as I throw a chain around their rear axle or spring or shock and drag their vehicle out of harm's way with my tractor. Stay tuned.

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7. Some mornings an inordinate amount of humorous commentary appears on the pages of my favorite newspaper blog. One day a person, who might well believe that our country is broke only because countless hoards of depraved welfare mothers have single-handedly depleted the U. S. Treasury, tongue-in-cheekily writes: “The important thing to remember is THERE IS NO WELFARE FRAUD IN MAINE.” Right below his post his neighbor with one of those annoying memories asks, “Didn't the Republican Maine Senate Majority Leader deFRAUD Medicare too and for a lot more? And he still gets to be the Senate Leader” Whereupon, someone echoes, “It was Nutting and he's Speaker of the House, not a Senator. As, yes, he got away scott free defrauding Medicaid of $1.3 million.” I don’t know if these things get edited out and off of those pages or not but they were there when I read them. What do you think about this? Should people be permitted to publish on newspaper blogs letters that find fault with some of our duly elected civic leaders? How would you like it if you read in the newspaper that somehow a million or so dollars of taxpayer’s money accidentally slipped through your fingers? It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not or if there were extenuating circumstances. How would you like it if things like that were printed about you? Should the government permit these things to be printed in newspapers or discussed on the radio? I’m the humble farmer at gmail dot com and I’d like to know what you think about censorship.

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8. In the Bangor Daily News blog we read, "I thought Islam was our enemy not our soldiers." Did you know that Islam is our enemy? Haven't you been wondering what the recent wars were all about? Some of us have never been able to figure out why --- if the guys who rammed a plane into the building in New York City were from Saudi Arabia --- we attacked Iraq and Afghanistan. If some fanatics from Peru bombed Miami would you get back at them by attacking Brazil? I suppose if they are all South American Catholics it doesn't make any difference. A student of logic can learn a lot by reading Maine newspapers.

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9. You might want to find out how popular you are so here's an infallible test: How do you know if people drop in to visit because they really like you? Do they leave without first asking if they can use your bathroom?

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10. The doctor told me to eat three ivy propin pills every day for my hip pain. It is too soon to tell if I’m going to be able to walk without a painful limp but I can report an unusual ringing in my ears and a most curious and unusually elaborate dream. I was playing a gig at a hotel in Rockland but only remembered to bring my amp. Forgetting to bring the instrument was understandable because I hadn’t played a gig in 20 years. We were two hours early so there was time to go home to get the string bass. The guitar player and the clarinet player, Charles Beck, said they’d go home with me to get it --- on one of those little ATV 4-wheeled motorcycle things. Compounding the logistics problem was a 22 rifle that I was trying to hide under a blanket in case we were stopped by the police. Charles had his clarinet, an E flat with no reed or ligature on the mouthpiece, but we played it on the way home. I did not put the mouthpiece in my mouth but blew on something that looked like the bottom of a plant-pot filled with liquid. Charles fingered the clarinet and as I blew on the end of the plant pot bottom I hummed the third or fifth and it sounded pretty good. Even though we went home to get the bass, by the time we got back so much had happened that we forgot to bring it back to the hotel with us. And that was after I had only eaten one of those pills. After three more pills today I expect that tonight I’ll visit the summer palace of the Mongol ruler and Emperor of China. And tomorrow I’ll lock the door and shut off the phone until I have the entire dream written down. + 11. When I asked Sheldon Adelson why he had pledged as much as $100 million to defeat Obama, he quickly pointed out that it is tax cuts for billionaires and not jobs created by the government that will make America a better place in which to live. Adelson, whose 24 or so billion came from money people lost in his casinos, is all in favor of the 2012 Republican party platform. As he leaned back and stroked the white cat on his lap he said, “You see, with the money I won’t have to pay in taxes, I’ll be creating jobs. With twenty four billion dollars, I now have enough for my own incidentals and can now use any surplus cash to help others.” “Birth control? You’re going to give kids money to go to college?” I gasped. “Help poor folks set up their own solar collectors?” “Actually, I want to help others by building more casinos. I’ve been talking with some friends and in every Walmart we’re planning to set up slot machines and gaming tables between the checkout counter and the front door.” I quickly saw his reasoning and said, “In case folks have any loose change left it will give them a chance to win back the money they’d spent on groceries and plastic toys.” He said, “You catch on quick. We plan to give every American that chance. +

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