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Rants November 11, 2012

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1. There are all kinds of lifestyle gurus out there. They will tell you how to look better, how to feel better, how to make more money, how to get more done. I just saw one article listed on line that you can download. It is an article that will teach you how to get up early. You don’t need to bother to download it because I’m going to tell you how to get up early. Get some cows.

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2. It was a bitter cold 71 degrees here in my solar radiant heated cellar/office at 8 one cold November morning when I sat down to tell you about a mother and her two daughters. You should know that both daughters are lovely and talented, both are glorious graduates of Camden High School, and that both are pushing 40. An hour ago the eldest daughter woke us with a call. From what I’ve seen and heard, Marsha's oldest daughter has every minute of her life planned out for the next 40 years, and getting phone calls out of the way at 7 AM is part of her regimen. My wife had been tossing and turning since 4 or 5 and had just dozed off when the phone rang. At my age the body is usually crying out for attention at five so still being asleep at 7 is a welcome and cherished treat. Marsha being asleep at 7 is unheard of. The bedroom phone --- given to the old folks by daughter number two --- is on a bureau on the other side of the room and answering it from a sound sleep requires serious thought and long-range planning. Last month Marsha got out of bed and dropped like a sack of grain on the floor. Two days of scans and probes by our local skilled technicians revealed nothing wrong but did contribute thousands of medical insurance dollars to the Knox County economy. Since then, however, before standing she has had to sit on the edge of the bed for a minute or two and give the room time to stop dancing about. Way over on the other side of the bed I am attached to a sleep apnea machine by a long plastic tube and before I go anywhere I have to pry off a face mask that could have come out of a Three Musketeers movie from the 30’s. So it is seldom that I’m able to answer the bedroom phone half way through the first ring with my usual cheery, “Robert Skoglund here. Sorry to keep you waiting.” But --- getting back to that morning where I was in bed with my wife --- after telling child number one what she wanted for Christmas in 2016, Marsha and I reconnoitered. While I was lying there trying to get my eyes open, Marsha said she's thinking about not having Thanksgiving with her friends in Rockland because they are already expecting 18 people, and because child number two doesn’t seem to have any plans we should perhaps invite her to skip down from Fort Kent and have dinner here with her family. And then my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, tried to figure out what to do with the Thanksgiving leftovers. Two weeks before she’s even had a chance to call her kid and ask her if she’d like to come here for Thanksgiving turkey, my wife was already worrying about what she’s going to do with the left over neck, bones, and gizzard. I told her she shouldn't wonder where her daughter got her pathological need to plan. Just talking about a typical Maine Thanksgiving seems to have warmed things up here in my cellar. Don’t you want to take off your coat?

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3. You know, that “Robert Skoglund here, sorry to keep you waiting” reminds me that 30 or more years ago, when answering machines were no more than little tape recorders activated by an incoming call, a young woman friend I’d met through the Maine Times Personals and I created a message that went something like this: “Hi there. Robert Skoglund here. I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now because I am working on a very important project that cannot wait.” And after that, in the far background, you heard my female friend’s breathy voice saying, “Ohhh, hurry up, for Goodness’ sake.” Today one would say that my phone number went viral. The phone rang constantly all day. Whenever I would pick it up there would usually be a click on the other end. One person asked me if I would please not answer so she could hear the message on my machine. I seem to recall hearing later, that women at Van Baalen’s --- right where Editor Dan Dunkle’s Courier office is today --- were standing in line to use the company phone. As soon as one would hang up, the next one in line would call The humble Farmer. Perhaps it was not those great Thanksgiving sales you used to look forward to at Van Baalen’s that put them out of business.

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4. I don’t think I’m getting my money’s worth out of my television dollars which eats about one-fifth of my social security money every month. I wouldn’t even have a TV if my wife didn’t insist upon seeing the morning news and weather. For that money I get my computer cable, which takes 5 hours to send my weekly television program to PegMedia 12 miles away in Rockport, Maine. In most any developed country in the world I’d be able to upload my 2 gig television program in a fraction of 5 hours. I also get to watch Columbo one night a week and that’s about it. Outside of Columbo there’s really not much that excites me on TV. I can watch people fighting the man who comes to tow their cars. I can watch a man with tattoos who removes snakes, pigs and hornets from homes. But wait, here’s hope. Have you heard that you can now get a television set that you can plug into your computer? I’m always about the last person to find out about anything new, so you probably already have one of these things. Why does anyone need to have a television screen to plug into one’s computer? I’ve discovered that I can watch my favorite television program just by bringing it up on my computer, so what’s wrong with that?

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5. When I asked a few friends about how to eliminate my horrendous $90 a month television and computer cable bill, here’s a condensed reply I got from Geoff. humble, Here’s what we did to get rid of our $160 per month bill for Cable, Phone, and Internet. And I begged them to change my billing structure first. They refused. So we now pay about $40 per month. It was a project, but nothing compared to your solar power and solar heated basement. 1. We purchased an Internet capable TV. You may already have one? I paid a bunch for this, but the savings of $120 per month pays it back fast. 2. We purchased an Ooma box which plugs into the Internet and telephone service costs $4 per month. Ok Geoff, I’m already paying $4 a month for my phone service, so I’m already set there. 3. We canceled Cable TV, and phone service. We kept the High Speed Internet. 4. We watch what shows we like for about $14 per month. 5. For local stations we purchased a digital antenna converter box. You can get those for less than $30. 6. For shows like Hardball or Rachel Maddow my wife plugs one of her Macs into the TV and we watch via the Internet. That’s how I watch Meet The Press every Sunday. And every month or so the cable company calls with a new deal for me to get Cable TV and I tell them to suck an egg.

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6. Since marrying Marsha VanZandbergen, I’ve learned to read Dutch. Marsha lived in Amsterdam with her first husband Len, who was killed in an auto crash, and I figured if I was going to wear Len’s old blue sweater I ought to learn to read his language. Many times I have heard the story of how, during the occupation in the early 40s, Len’s uncle was carried off to a concentration camp in Poland by the invaders for refusing to join their army. He was never seen again. Some of my favorite reading is Agatha Christie in Dutch. I also read Dutch newspapers, which is why I rushed out of my office the other day and asked Marsha what percentage of the Dutch population she thought would have voted for Obama. She said, “Oh, 95 percent.” She was on the money. I had just read that it was 95 percent --- even though we read in Reuters that "By continental European standards, Obama is considered right-of-centre or even right-wing…” In other words, they would have chosen the lesser of two evils. In the same article we read that “More than 90 percent of northern Europeans would vote for President Barack Obama if they were able to cast ballots in the United Sates' election next week…” Perhaps because "Accusations of socialism (against Obama) don't exactly resonate somewhere like Denmark…” where he “is considered right-of-centre or even right-wing” --- or in the Netherlands.

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7. We read in the paper that “Piscataquis County earned a red-tinted distinction in 2008 as the only one of Maine’s 16 counties — and the only one of the 65 counties in all of New England — to back the Republican Party’s presidential nominee, John McCain, over victor Barack Obama.” How about that? In the 2012 election only Piscataquis County --- and 4 or so other New England counties --- voted for Romney. Someone wrote beneath this newspaper article, “Unfortunately the Troglodytes who live there have no conception of the real world. But they do know how to night-hunt.” Yes. Like you, all I could think was what an unkind comment. Wouldn’t you say that anyone who could write such an unkind comment would kick his grandmother after she fell down a flight of stairs to see if she were still alive?

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8. One day when I was talking with my brother, he said, “It’s interesting that you should mention Mimi Gordon’s brother. Did I ever tell you a story about him?” “No.” “I must have told you that story.” “I can’t remember. Tell me again.” “I was helping out in the charity booth at the Lobster Festival, flipping hamburgers, but nobody could flip them right except Mimi’s brother so I got shunted off to do something else. He asked me what I did and I told him I’d taught 8th grade history and English in Thomaston for 25 years. He said, ‘Is that so? I taught in New York State for 25 years and got an award for being the top teacher in New York.’ And I said that was very nice. Quite remarkable. “A year later we’re back in the same booth at the Lobster Festival and he is flipping hamburgers when we’re joined by another fellow who came in to help out. Mimi’s brother asked him what he did and he said he’d been a marine for 25 years. And Mimi’s brother said, ‘Is that so? I was a drill sergeant for 25 years at Parris Island.’ And the fellow said that was very nice. Quite remarkable. “The year after that our sister came home after working for a day in that booth at the Lobster Festival and asked me if I’d ever met Mimi Gordon’s brother. She said, ‘He’s really a remarkable man. Did you know he worked with Mother Teresa curing lepers and was recognized by the Pope?’ “I said I didn’t know it but I wasn’t surprised to hear it.”

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9. Letter here from Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack used to teach at some university, I can’t remember where. You can find Uncle Jack’s newspaper column online. Uncle Jack is my favorite newspaper columnist. I remember one column he wrote about a young woman who went to Patrick Henry College, or perhaps it was Bob Jones. She majored in long division. For years Uncle Jack had a house very close to those houses built on sand right at the edge of the ocean. He’s showed me pictures of how they wash away in storms. Uncle Jack says, “Good rants this week, Robert. We saw Arthur Miller's adaptation of Enemy of the People last week at Center Stage. Powerful play with an excellent cast. Tells it like it is. Having lived on a barrier island for many years I am acutely aware of the foolishness of doing so. My town just spent $36 million pumping sand to protect expensive rental houses for megabuck investors that never should have been built where they are in the first place. Every sensible restriction gets shot down in the state legislature because all the senators have houses at the beach. And so it goes. Our best to Marsha. Cheers, Uncle Jack and Sue”

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