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Rants December 16, 2012

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1. I enjoy telling the kind of stories that some people might not understand right off. Some people might have to hear the story again or say it over again in their minds before they get it. This kind of story is called a dry story. I like dry stories and here is an example. If you have young grandchildren who come to visit you from time to time, you might be familiar with the $300 worth of little yellow plastic ducks in the bathtub problem. Do you have grandchildren? Are you familiar with this $300 worth of little yellow plastic ducks in the bathtub problem? Where do you hide your yellow plastic ducks before they come?

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2. I have been reading great world literature to my wife’s little grandchildren --- you know, to set them on the right track academically speaking. And now, were you to ask them to name the fattest king in Thebes, they would shout, “Adipose Rex.” Ask them --- who was the man who saved all the animals by putting two of each kind into a boat, and they’ll say Archimedes.

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3. Would you like to brag about how much money you have --- how successful you are financially, without actually saying, “I have a lot of money?” One way of doing it is by being on a panel with your local hospital president, who earns $300,000 or so a year. Discuss on local television with your local hospital president, who earns $300,000 or so a year, what can be done to lower the cost of healthcare.

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4. A while back you heard on the Today show about the two men in Waldoboro, Maine who worked together for several weeks before they figured out that they were brothers. And when these two new-found brothers appeared on the news, a sister soon appeared. And a day or two later, even another sister. Discovering lost or unknown siblings who were farmed out or kept in different boxes at an early age is neither new nor unique, and you can be sure that there must be thousands of similar cases that nobody hears about, only because they don’t make the national news. Let me give you an example. A few years ago I continued working on the Gilchrest family tree that my grandfather James Gilchrest started back in the 1920s. I called relatives I knew and asked them to send birth and marriage dates of their siblings and children and before long I had collected hundreds of relatives. I live on the farm that once belonged to my great-grandfather’s cousin, Larkin Gilchrest. And when I called one woman, who was a granddaughter or great granddaughter of Larkin Gilchrest, she said in so many words that I should mind my own business. But I continued my research. Years later one of her daughters showed up here at my farm and was looking at my computer screen over my shoulder when I said, “And this is your sister.” She said, “But I don’t have any sisters.” v 5. Here’s news from long time Robert and I’m reading this email to you only because we so seldom hear from anyone who is able to tell us what goes on in a Maine diner at 3 a. m. Isn’t it something you have always wondered about? “I was in [mumble] Diner at 3 a.m. the other day and a guy stood up and said to the one and only waitress, "I waited 52-minutes for my meal, you ran out of fried onion rings and I did not get what I wanted and this is the worst service I have ever had. I am going to give you only ten dollars for this meal." And he gave her a ten-dollar bill and walked out. I said to the waitress, "that was a hot customer," and she said, "that was a drunk customer."

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6. We read in the paper that a grocery chain store has named a new president. We read that he is a Gorham resident who started at that grocery chain in 1985 as a retail management trainee. Someone wrote beneath this article, “nice object lesson in the reality that you can start at low levels in an organization and WORK your way to the top and a comfortable living.” Work was in capital letters. My comment would be that this is a --- nice object lesson in the reality that you can start at low levels in an organization and perhaps be the one in 10,000 or so employees who could WORK your way to being president of the company and earn a comfortable living.

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7. Everyone knows that the whole thing started years ago when Dick Jones, overcome by the spirit of Christmas, tied a festoon of holly around the neck of a plastic pink flamingo that ornamented his front lawn. Dick’s wife, Alice, and several of his friends commented favorably on the seasonal decoration, which strengthened the likelihood that Jones would so enhance his art object the following year. His friend and next-door neighbor, Bob Smythe, complimented Dick’s creative genius. But Bob’s wife, Jane, was jealous. “Why can’t you ever think of anything nice like that”? she whispered in Bob’s ear. Bob knew that with a year to plan he could top Dick’s Christmas decoration. And he did. The following year, about three days before he figured Dick would wrap his flamingo with holly, Bob dressed the plastic duck family on his front lawn in little Santa Claus costumes. Everyone said that the plastic mama duck and the plastic baby ducks dressed in little red suits tufted with white fur were the cutest things they’d ever seen. Whenever Bob and Jane looked out the window at their Santa ducks, Jane would squeeze Bob’s arm and Bob would stick out his chest with the satisfied feeling that only comes from work well done. Although Dick Jones had to compliment his neighbor, he knew he’d been upstaged and that the cars that would creep by this season would be full of folks who had come over to see the Santa ducks and not his decorated flamingo. Dick and Alice discussed making a Santa costume for their bird but were clever enough to realize that it would look like they were just copying the Smythe ducks. In the end, Alice, who had been around more than just a little bit, bought two strings of Christmas lights and a couple of extension cords. She put a string of lights on a small tree that grew in the front yard, while Dick tastefully arranged fresh holly on their flamingo. He wasn’t about to give up a good thing just because of Bob Smythe’s Santa ducks. Then he crowned his work with a string of colored lights. Dick and Alice went into their home feeling very good about themselves indeed. They knew that Bob Smythe’s eyes would bug out when they turned on their Christmas lights that evening. A year later, Bob Smythe augmented his Santa ducks with two four-foot striped candles which he erected on his doorstep. By then, however, Jones already had small candles with white bulbs in four of his front windows. The following season, Jones outlined his garage door with a string of blinking colored lights. The Smythes added a three-foot plastic Santa which sat with a whip in its hand in a sleigh, now harnessed to the plastic duck Santas. Smythe achieved instant local notoriety when a picture of his entourage appeared in the paper. Our editor was unable to think of a caption to run under it. It was about that time that someone called my attention to the collective genius of Smythe and Jones. No holiday could pass without appropriate symbols appearing on their front lawns. I began to study them in hopes of learning something that would make my own place a bit more attractive. I noticed that Jones braces up a 12-foot wooden rabbit at Easter. Strobe lights are cleverly concealed in the creature’s huge basket of eggs. Smythe rolls out plaster pumpkins for Halloween. I enjoy his Halloween witch (with two glowing red lights for eyes) that flies back and forth on wires. Jones wrapped his entire house in eight-foot firecrackers for the Fourth of July. Both men built large barns out back that serve only as storage bins for their props. But I digress, for it is at Christmas that Smythe and Jones are at their unparalleled best. Besides the attractive decorations mentioned above, their homes are now outlined with blinking colored lights. Red and blue blinking lights flash from every window. A life-sized illuminated plastic Santa Claus stands in the middle of a crèche with several live sheep and wooden shepherds and wise men who bob about on wires. Eight ceramic life sized reindeer and a real sleigh loaded with brightly wrapped presents are braced on top of Smythe’s house. Stereo speakers, hidden somewhere within the bowels of a manger, blast the observer with Jingle Bell Rock. On top of Jones’ house is a sign that spells “Merry Xmas” in three-foot letters filled with blinking lights. Every year at this time a wide-lens photo of the whole business appears in the paper, and well it should. Otherwise, many of us would forget the real meaning of Christmas.

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8. And here is a letter from long time radio friend Chief Read. It is in response to the conversation we had last week about hockey players getting pounded. “humble: Hockey players may beat the stuffing out of anyone but the goalie (he does have all those pads on; what would you hit?) and get a 5 min. or even a game penalty if they draw blood. Hitting anyone with their stick gets them thrown out for the game and perhaps a few more. Those things are lethal, especially swung by guys the size of NHL players. Of course, the officials have to see the infraction but they don't miss much. They don't seem to penalize it when guys stick the butt end of their sticks in the other guy's ribs or wherever. But, no sticks. Truly a fais pas ca.”

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9. Many years ago I was able to rattle off a line of English kings. Richard III, Henry IV, Henry V and others in that time period. And, perhaps like you, I was able to do it only because I had spent many serious hours reading and studying Shakespeare’s history plays for the test. Because the heir to the throne turns up on the evening news nowadays, I wondered what relation he was to the people in the plays as well as the woman who would probably someday be the queen of England, so I Googled. The young people are 12th or 15th cousins, depending on which authority you turn to. Thinking that they were probably related in more ways than one, I continued my studies until I turned up a page that said, “ Conclusion: there is an extremely high probabilty that a modern English person with predominantly English ancestry descends from Edward III, at a very minimum over 99%, and more likely very close to 100%. The number of descendants of Edward III must therefore include nearly all of the population of England, and probably much of the populations of the rest of the UK and Eire, as well as many millions in the USA, former British colonies and Europe, so 100 million seems a conservative estimate. Documenting one's own descent from Edward III is, however, another matter! “ What do you think of that? Is that a bunch of foolishness or is there any truth in it?

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10. Someone was telling me about a book called Patients Beyond Borders. This book gives you detailed information on the best hospitals and treatment centers in more than 40 countries worldwide, plus data on local and international accreditation, health travel planners, accommodations, and more. We read that operations can cost from 30 to 80 percent less in accredited hospitals abroad. Of course, you could also give up sweets, beer and smoking, and then perhaps it might be a long time before you need a hospital.

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