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TV Rants December 23, 2012

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1. One morning I was reading up on cults. Many define a cult as “Any small group of people that believes something I don’t.” We have so many friends and relatives who belong to cults that I didn’t think it would hurt me to learn a bit more about what fuels them. But then I read that the individual members of the cult soon learn that they “can't do nothing right.” They can't hang out the wash correctly or make a bed properly or even dress themselves appropriately before going into town. Having discovered that belonging to a cult is no different than being married to a Type A woman, I have chosen to terminate my studies until further notice.

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2. A former football player for the University of Maine made headlines by shooting two people. Ever wonder how TV wrestlers or football players can be thrown down without being injured? They can’t, but the injury might not show up for years. People who have been pounded on the head can get a disease called chronic traumatic encephalopathy. We read that CTE is not uncommon in folks who are heavy into contact sports. Years ago in some movies the half-wit punch drunk boxer provided comic relief. Today the punch drunk athlete is a loose cannon. Individuals with CTE may manifest their depression and aggression by shooting their families and then turning up on the evening news. Having your brain muddled in a sports arena is a calculated risk one takes while earning big money or even becoming a star. If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

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3. In a recent New York Times one reads: “… in the deadliest attack ever, in Maine in 1927, a school board official blew up a school, killing 44…” When I Googled I found the same information on a web page called "Free Term Papers." Most everywhere else you look, you read that the bomb went off in Michigan. I emailed the editor of the Times, pointed out the Maine/Michigan typo, and much to my surprise got a letter back from John that said, “Goodness gracious, the things that slip through. Donna, can you fix this the next time you go in to the page? Mr. Skogland, thanks for flagging.” John spelled my name Skogland instead of Skoglund. It’s lund, not land. John’s spelling of my name reminds me that around 30 years ago my friend Julian showed me an oak sign with his name hand carved on it in elaborate letters. It was misspelled. At the time Julian said that the only people who couldn’t copy a name off a sheet of paper correctly were sign carvers and newspaper reporters. I hope he’s listening because a man likes to know when he’s right.

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4. Someone raised a fuss about a Maine man who allegedly told his staff that he wanted new women employees to be hired on the basis of certain physiological attributes. Everyone knows that men and women are both hired on the basis of their height and weight and other physical characteristics but we aren’t supposed to admit it or even talk about these things. It’s always been that way. If you were to climb over the gunnels of a boat with a sword in your hand to loot and plunder would you want me leading the charge? Ever since men with clubs and swords started robbing their neighbors, tall men have always made more money than short men. And as for women employees --- how many scarecrows have you seen on TV serving up your news and weather? Although some things are never mentioned, some old men with eyes will tell you that brains and the ability to read are obviously not the only determining factors when contracts are signed. I never notice those things.

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5. We read that some children on the way to a sporting event in Maine did not make a bathroom stop, and the ensuing pain and distress warranted the dismissal of the coach and a report of the incident in the local paper. Ever travel with a friend who easily drives 300 miles without stopping? You don’t get in his car a second time without being prepared. One of life’s little lessons is learning how to pace yourself when traveling, and the sooner you learn this the easier your life will be. You might want to remember this bus incident the next time someone tells you that sports don’t prepare one for the real world.

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6. In response to my comments on how to get rich being the head guru of a cult, radio friend Heidi says, I did the mummm training thing a while back. what did I get out of 3 12 hour days of sitting on my mummm listening to a bunch of I don't even remember? I got this . .Life is meaningless which is meaningless that is meaningless. $450 later I'm suddenly "enlightened". Good grief! Heidi gave me my second good laugh of the day. You’ve heard me say this before. If I were to start over I'd get rich being a preacher on TV or a guru who offered seminars on "Increased Production Through Harmony in The Workplace." The hardest part of walking these roads to wealth is probably learning how to keep a straight face as people take notes.

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7. The headline said, "As Obama, lawmakers talk gun control, some Mainers stock up on weapons, ammo clips" You know what that tells me? Some editors have a talent for writing headlines designed to push the most number of buttons. Do you let people push your buttons? It is knowing what is behind this and similar headlines that that often give me my first laugh or jolt of the day. Almost every morning headlines that are calculated to generate a large number of letters, do for me what morning coffee does for others.

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8. You probably had to throw up your hands and scream at your TV screen one morning if you saw the psychiatrist telling America what teachers had to do to keep young people from becoming killers. What he didn’t mention is that it entails teaching things that would not be measured on the test. It entails teaching things that are not in corporate America’s curriculum. It entails teaching things that could earn a teacher black marks in an evaluation. Yes, it entails teaching values. --- Do any teachers in America today dare to risk their jobs and futures by abandoning the test oriented curriculum to spend some time with students talking about how to be a good neighbor and a good citizen? As everyone knows, because these ethereal things can’t be measured on a test they were thrown out the window by that discredited program called No Child Left Behind.

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9. Don’t expect me to remember who said this, but I think it was in conjunction with an animal that they said was half wolf, half pit bull. "Some animals just have a wild natural instinct. People that think they can change natural instincts of animals just aren't too bright." Did you hear that? People that think they can change natural instincts of animals just aren't too bright. Someone told me that it has been statistically proven that even though a boy beats on his girlfriend during courtship, he immediately changes into a loving, caring man the moment they are married. I don't believe this. --- You know as well as I do that it is when they have their first child that he stops beating on her and becomes the model husband. You know as well as I do that dogs are not responsible for biting people. It is the people who own dogs who are responsible for the dogs who bite people. You’ve heard people say this: “I don’t care if my dog does bite. Anyone who comes to take away my dog will have to pry him from my dead, cold fingers.

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10. So many on line commercials want to tell you about a weird trick that will do this or that. What is it about the word weird that psychologists have determined that sells? --- That pulls people in? We read that “Alarmingly warm water in Gulf of Maine bringing changes” Why do the words “alarming” or “shocking” appear in newspaper headlines above columns purporting to deal with global warming? Is it your understanding that the average ocean temperature might have gone up 1 degree over the past 100 years --- most of that in the past 30 years? One of the problems with getting people to understand the natural process of global warming is the many newspaper stories that tend to slant things or sensationalize them with their alarming headlines. Anyone who wants to know more about global warming than most of their neighbors would do well to read Curt Stager's book Deep Future. If you want to be shocked or alarmed or deeply troubled after that, go for it. You’re entitled to do so.

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Mike battery faded.

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