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1. Should teachers be graded on student achievement test scores? My friend Heather says that teachers should be graded on student achievement test scores only on those students with parents who passed a test permitting them to have children. Heather says that it matters way more which tree the apple falls from and which orchard it originates from than where it is peeled and pressed.

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2. What do you do when people tell you that you’re being snobby? When people accuse me of being an elitist snob, I usually deny it by laughing and admitting that I have friends who voted for Governor LePage and Elliot Cutler.

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3. You might have seen the recent study which amazed scientists when they did the numbers and determined how many birds and other things that breathe were killed by cats every year. While talking about this with some friends, Peter said, "They destroy the air quality many of us have to breathe." I can identify. When I was born I was allergic to the cat. But they couldn't figure out why I was sickly and always crying. I hear that they tied my hands so I couldn't rub my eyes. Those of us who have survived that are likely to believe that having a cat in the house is more criminal than bringing up a child in a house full of cigarette and cigar smoke. You might be one of my many friends who survived that, too, as did many of us, but my lungs are shot today. I can tell if there is a cat in the house even before I go in the door. Around 1960 I spent a night in a friend's vacated apartment in Stockholm. No one had been in there for 3 or so months. I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath and spent the remainder of the night walking the streets of Stockholm, trying to clear my lungs. No one told me that up until 3 months before a cat had been living there. I would love to ride a horse but I can’t go near them, either. Cow friends and dogs don’t bother me. Do you have a so-called domesticated pet that lives in your house? You might want to ask yourself if you should call a pet domesticated if it would eat you if you were dead.

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4. We read in the paper that a freshman Republican legislator has put “Two controversial proposals that would make Maine a ‘right-to-work’ state … back on the table in Augusta.” It probably reminded you that when the U. S. occupied Japan after World War II, General MacArthur and his aides worked with Japanese citizens to write a Constitution that would assure that the militarized autocracy was replaced with democracy. Knowing that workers would need to have a voice in the new Japan, MacArthur included language that said “the right of workers to organize and to bargain and act collectively is guaranteed.” Being good freedom-loving Americans, we forced labor unions down their throats to make sure Japan would always be a democracy. You also know that when the United States occupied Germany after World War II, General Eisenhower and his aides worked with German citizens to write a Constitution that would assure that the mustache man’s fascism was replaced with a democracy. Recognizing that workers would need to have a voice in the new Germany, they included a provision that said “The right to form associations to safeguard and improve working and economic conditions shall be guaranteed to every individual and to every occupation or profession. Agreements that restrict or seek to impair this right shall be null and void; measures directed to this end shall be unlawful.” Today we see these measures that restrict or seek to impair this right are becoming popular in this country. They are called right-to-work-laws. Anyway, being good freedom-loving Americans, we forced labor unions down their Nazi throats so Germany would always be a democracy. WW II was a long time ago, only a few of us remember it, and it looks like some people, who run around trying to pass laws that benefit corporate America, hope that the present generation has no idea of what WWII was all about. If labor unions are circumvented here, are we destroying our democracy and creating the kind of state that Americans fought against in WWII? You tell me. Are we?

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5. If you live in Maine you were not surprised to read that a “Maine official wants to cut liquor prices to improve sales.” Yes, here’s a Maine official who wants Maine people to drink more whiskey. Your first question is probably, “Was he appointed by our governor?” and I have to tell you that I don’t know. But here’s how one of our astute neighbors suggests we handle this whiskey situation. And I’m trying to quote here. “Maybe we should have Statewide Liquor Specials before all of the Major Holiday Weeks and Weekends. Just imagine 75% off all liquor during the first week in July, Memorial and Labor Day Weekends, Halloween, Christmas and New Years Week, Kenduskeag River Race, Opening Day at Bangor Muni, Ground Hog Day, Summer and Winter Solstice, the first day the temp went above 80 degrees and below zero, The first verified sighting of a Crocus in the spring, the list could go on and on. You would still be required to pay the sales tax on the original price. It would be a great boon the the State of Maines coffers.” You know, if this program to get Maine people to drink more whiskey works, will it be long before crafty Maine officials will run television ads to sell more cigarettes? And how about ads to get Maine people to drink more beer? Guess not. That one's already maxed out.

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6. We read in the newspaper that "Maine teachers don’t want student achievement to play big part in their evaluations" Anyone who has taught anywhere for 20 years can tell you why. When you Googled, you discovered that the teachers in Finland produce about the highest achievers in the western world. And you read that they go years between tests. To paraphrase a comment once made by a farmer in North Whitefield (so it can be printed), “You can’t beat manure and get whipped cream.” One of my most memorable educational achievements was teaching a little boy how to wipe his nose on a handkerchief and not on the back of his hand. I got him to the point where he could sit at the lunch counter at Moody’s Diner without offending anyone, and, although social skills are not measured on a test, it was appreciated by his friends. Please listen closely to this question and then you tell me what you’d do --- Would you, as a teacher, rather be evaluated on the test achievements of students in a town where most of the parents are college graduates with high paying jobs, or --- would you rather be evaluated on the progress your students who live in the poorest areas of Maine where most parents can’t write a coherent sentence in any language and prove it by sending letters to the editor of your local paper? Please let me repeat what we talked about earlier: Which matters more? --- the tree the apple falls from and in which orchard it originates --- or where it is peeled and pressed? What would happen if teachers were evaluated on student achievement test scores --- only when those students have parents who passed a test permitting them to have children.

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7. I have in my hand a check from US Airlines. The Amount on the check is $1,298. And no cents. Nice round number. I haven’t cashed it which is why they were probably trying to call me at the beginning of this program. Don’t you wish that US Airlines would send you a check for $1,298? You probably won’t be getting one this week unless you have better luck finding US Airlines than I did. Yes, would you be surprised to hear that your buddy humble can find no company named US Airlines? Someone has spent a lot of money sending out checks from a company that doesn’t seem to exist. Whatever would motivate anyone to do something like that? I though Bernie Madoff was in jail. There is a telephone number attached to the check: 1-866-955 and so on. If I have time this week I’m going to call that number. What do you suppose I’ll be able to tell you next week if I do?

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8. For years you have had me say that I don’t see any sense in keeping a pet that you can’t eat. But only a very foolish old man would boast that he never changes his mind. Yes, your buddy humble has have arrived at the age where he would not mind having a pet that did absolutely nothing but wander around in his house and keep him company all day. So --- keep your eyes open. If you can find an animal that can be taught the Heimlich Maneuver and administer CPR, I will bring it to my home and feed it.

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9. Some children have self destructive tendencies. Living on the edge is part of having "fun." They drive fast. They don't wear seatbelts. They drive snowmobiles. (I was surprised to learn this week that only one of my wife's cousins was decapitated while driving a snowmobile.) They smoke. They drink. To experience the thrill of belonging they crowd into rooms without exits to watch bands that employ fireworks. And the rest of us sigh and wonder how we ever survived to 40.

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10. There are horror movies where people drip blood and there are gangster movies in which problems are settled with machine guns. There are kick boxing matches that strain one’s ability to comprehend such unmitigated brutality and there are Civil War movies in which the colonel smokes. But when it comes to doing the worst thing I have ever seen on any screen Clint Eastwood gets my vote. You might have seen High Plains Drifter in which Clint comes into town and shoots three men and rapes a woman before he’s had time to take off his hat. You might remember the scene in that movie that disturbed me. It is of course the one in which he gives two cute little Indian children two huge glass jars full of candy.

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11. Welfare is a win-win for business because business is the ultimate beneficiary of welfare, or the hated government handouts. They win win because they end up with the handout money at the same time they are able to cry about the cost of welfare and point their fingers at “lazy” people. Let’s analyze the situation. You know, of course that there are more people on welfare who are working than people on welfare who are not working. Who profits when working people get benefits from the government? The employer who is paying the employee such a low wage that the employee is eligible for state aid. If wages were higher, workers would not be eligible for government benefits and the government would no longer be subsidizing business.

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12. From time to time I feel obligated to tell you something that will make your life happier and easier. Now is one of those times, so please listen carefully. Never talk politics with someone who is giving you an injection or cutting your hair.

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13. I just Googled “How many people in the U. S. choke on ballpoint pens every year” and got a web site that told me where I could buy them.

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