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Rants February 10, 2013

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1. David Bright says . TV says there's a big snow storm coming ... lots of snow and wind, making for near zero visibility for people driving in it. I just lashed an eight-foot pole on my mailbox and put a big orange traffic cone on the top of the pole. I figure it will help out the town snowplow driver by giving him something to aim for.

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2. When I find a new book dealing with language at a lawn sale, I buy it for a dime or so with the intent of donating it to the Penobscot School. http://www.penobscot.us/ The last time I donated a box of books, I made business cards and put one inside each book so friends would know where the book came from. A few weeks ago a book on Spanish Verbs arrived in the mail. A friend in Owls Head said he’d found it at the school (probably in a box containing books marked “free”), and wanted to return it to its rightful owner. This morning I couldn’t find my Italian pronoun cards to occupy my mind while struggling through my morning walk, so I picked up Spanish Verbs, which was handy on the office shelf. I mention this because of a Spanish sentence I just read which I thought said, “The exercise makes a teacher out of the novice.” Get it? I read the Spanish and thought it said, “The exercise makes a teacher out of the novice.” The English translation in the book said, “Practice makes perfect.” My Spanish has a way to go.

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3. Dear Humble, Just caught your insightful comments on WRFR while waiting for my wife. I'm a cat lover, but I've got to admit you got it mostly right. There's just two things you missed. First, you called cats domesticated animals. Wrong. The owners are the domesticated ones. And then just think about what the world would be like if these cute cats didn't kill millions of birds. What would it be like if the world around us were filled with several hundred times as many birds as we have now. Airplanes would have to be grounded. They can't build a $1.1 million fence at Owl's Head to keep the birds off the runways. The noise of bird songs would drive us crazy. Finally, the, uh, solid waste left behind by those birds would put the fertilizer companies out of business. The organic farmers would put the scientific farmers out of business. Wading through it might be a problem. And this letter is from Bill, who says that he is a less humble farmer in Hope, Maine. P.S. Hearing Django reminds me of the defunct HOPE 4 JAZZ and their MC. – I’d love to hear from you, too. I’m thehumblefarmer at gmail dot com.

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4. Someone told me that I should put honey on the bug bites on my ankle. Have you ever heard of putting honey on mosquito or bug bites? I asked my radio friends if honey should be applied directly to infected mosquito bites to heal the infection. Tim White wrote back: “Won't that attract more ants?. Or maybe it will inspire someone to lick your ankles, thus soothing them.” What Tim says might be true. When you think of it, you realize that dogs don’t lick people because they like people. Dogs are after the salt or the miniscule food particles on your skin. Jim says that biting your honey could bring you ankle biters. It gets rather convoluted, doesn’t it? Anyway, I read that toothpaste and honey were good for bug bites so I put a tad of honey on that bite and put a band aid on that and the next day the itch was gone. All gone. I trust in science. I’m not a superstitious man, but I’ve had itchy ankles off and on for a couple of years now and I can’t wait for it itch again so I can put some honey on it. Just to see if it goes away whiz bang. You know about these things. Why didn’t you tell me about it years ago?

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5. Last Friday I bought a 2009 psychology book for a quarter. I like to pick up the newest psychology and sociology books because there is always something in there that we can talk about. The words we can use are always changing and the things we can talk about are always changing. So there is a big difference in psychology books printed 50 years apart. Or even psychology books printed 10 years ago. Fifty years ago we had to learn about Terman. We had to memorize the difference in IQ between idiots, imbeciles and morons and write it on the test. I don't think they even use those terms in a valid context anymore and you only see them in newspapers in letters to the editor. I went through the subject index and the table of contents in this book. Although it jumps right in with critical thinking (which has been banned in schools in Texas) I don't see anything in this book about religion. It dares to go as far as Pseudopsychologies --- Palms and Planets. You want to remember that nowadays the authors of science textbooks walk a narrow line if they expect to sell outside of college communities in the entire South and Midwest. This book tells kids how to study. Health, Stress, Coping, Anti-social behavior, Conditioning and Learning. Conditioning is a good thing to know about. You might suspect that not many people do. It tells about operant conditioning --- my favorite course in college. I've even taught a course in operant conditioning to teachers. Freud and Maslow. Adler and Horney and Jung. What fun. If I were rich I'd still be taking classes in things like this that interest me. Carl Rogers. I'm going to have fun getting my quarter's worth out of this book. When I read certain things in a book like this I'd like to give it to so many good friends who are very smart but have never read anything like it. Does science have the ability to open the eyes of the untutored when they are over 50? Or do you think that old people are set in their ways and that one has to be young to derive the inherent benefits in a textbook on science? Thank you for listening. Stay tuned.

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6. During a February blizzard that was supposed to be the worst in 30 years, Governor Deval Patrick declared a state of emergency across Massachusetts, and banned non-emergency vehicles from roadways after 4:00 P.M. When I saw this on TV my thoughts were , "Good luck." Are they going to ticket people who are out in the storm? Yes, they can shut down the turnpikes, but there is always someone who thinks they will just barely have time to get from here to there and will try to beat the deadline. You know as well as I do that a lot of people who are stopped are going to be very angry. If there is one thing Americans hold dear, it is the right to drive during a blizzard until they get stuck and then have to be rescued or have their frozen bodies removed from their cars two days later.

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7. We read in the paper that “ Gun experts prime lawmakers for session” Some folks wrote in to express surprise that the gun lobby would invite Maine legislators to a gun workshop. Those who were surprised don't know the first thing about the life of a Maine State Legislator. From what I have seen and heard, legislators are invited to an unending number of breakfasts and dinners and workshops. After eating, they get to hear what the Grange or the NRA or the UPS has to say about upcoming bits of legislation. Two legislators who always vote against each other on every issue might eat dinner together every day and become very close life-long friends. Voting on bills that you have never read has to happen. If you've never served in the legislature this sounds neither right nor reasonable, so ask your legislator friend to explain to you the legislative process. Ten or fifteen legislators who live in town might go to a friend's house for supper. They might be joined by a lawyer who represents the tobacco and liquor interests in Maine, and, over roast chicken, they might exchange views on what they think will be the best thing to do for Maine people. The most difficult part for many legislators is sitting in a small room and keeping a straight face while listening to a hired gun in a dark suit and tie stand and lie for some organization. And then there is the legislator who sits next to you in your committee who doesn't seem to understand anything that anyone says and has to have it repeated or explained to him. Which drives you and everyone else in the room crazy. It's a tough life with 18 hour days, not counting the commute for many. Not many people can do it. I know I couldn't. When I posted this on a newspaper blog, someone said that this is why they never bothered to vote.

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8. I once had a friend who was a Senator --- she went to Ireland with me when I spoke at some International Humor Convention --- so I got an inside look at how laws are made in Maine. I spent a lot of time sitting up back in the Senate Chamber waiting for my friend to get out of work, as it were and it was not unusual to see me reading a book in the back of the room. When Senators brought visitors in from home, they would send a note down to Charlie Pray, who was President of the Senate, Charlie would read the names of the visitors, the Senators would all rise and applaud the guest, and one more clam digger from Machias would go home feeling good about the way things are done in Augusta. One day, when things were probably slow in the chamber, some wit sent my name down to the front desk. Charlie brought the room to order and announced that The humble Farmer was visiting and would the Senate please rise and greet him. All stood and applauded. I stood, acknowledged the applause, and the next day I sent Charlie a bill for $500 for The humble Farmer’s making a personal appearance on the floor of the Maine State Senate.

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9. Do you answer your telephone if you don’t know who is calling? I do, when it’s a Maine number. I can see it on the screen --- 207 so and so. All across our great land many people wanting to sell us something or enlist our aid have apparently learned that some Maine people will answer their phone if it is an in-state call, which is why telemarketers calling from California and Massachusetts can now prefix a Maine number to their machine when they call Maine. I wouldn’t be surprised if their machine can prefix a New Hampshire area code when they call New Hampshire and a Vermont area code when they call Vermont. In other words, you can no longer tell where a call originates. I just got a call asking for Marsha. I asked what it concerned and was told “the environment.” Well, do you know anyone who tries to preserve the planet any more than your buddy humble? I asked him if he knew me and what I did. He said he didn’t. I asked him where he was and he said Massachusetts. I told him that I only answered my phone when I knew who it was or when the call came from within the state. I said that even at that minute I was making a television program that was environmentally oriented and I could do no more. I don’t feel good about hanging up on this nice man who wanted to talk with my wife about the environment, but I feel violated. He only got me to answer the phone because here he was in Massachusetts calling me with a Maine area code, and don’t you think he pretty well knew that? Because we talk about things here that have to do with you, what do you think? Do you screen your telephone calls or do you chat for half an hour with the man who calls from Arizona, tells two jokes and then tries to sell you some tools?

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10. I’m a slave to my Facebook. Because I have many well-educated friends, some of whom are also very intelligent, and many intelligent friends, some of whom are also well-educated, I already have more mentors on my Facebook page contributing to my education than I can handle. So when friends suggest that I add one of their friends I check out his/her qualifications rather carefully. Unless there is someone out there who is of the caliber of my present mentors I don’t need any more. So when I get a “friend” request, I do as I’m sure you do. I go to their page and look down to their likes and dislikes. And when I see wild-eyed slogans posted on a background of flags --- and a lot of name calling (whatever cause they espouse) --- well, you know what you do. I have even refused Facebook “friend” requests from people I consider very good friends, only because I don’t want these good friends to read the most intimate thoughts of a conservative Maine man who lived too long in Sweden. I admire radio friend Pegg, who tells it like it is and is not about to read the rambling of grade schoolers in what is hopefully a post-doc seminar conducted by scholars representing many fields. And when I babble nonsense, or encourage two or three provincials to babble nonsense to amuse the majority, please remember that, although I’ve lived for over 20 years under the thumb of a Type-A woman, I write the rules because this Facebook page is Mine.

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11. While riding my bicycle I saw two fluffy, white pinstripes in the sky, so far away you couldn’t see the planes that caused them. Two hundred years ago it would have been impossible to give a scientific explanation for two similar pinstripes. But they would have provided a firm foundation for a new religion.

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