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Rants March 10, 2013

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1. I've been reading a wonderful book on how to Look, Feel and Think Younger Every Day. I got it from a man who just died.

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2. I recently wrote something on my Facebook page about a man who killed his brother with the jawbone of an ass. It’s the kind of comment I make just to see if I can flush out some supercilious pedant who will tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. You know very well that I at least make an effort to consult original sources before I say or write anything, supercilious pedant that I am. Anyway, I found a web page that pointed out that artists who illustrated the scripture painted scenes that have misled us for generations. As you well know, we are talking about the book of Genesis here and in the English version that I read, having mislaid my Gothic copy, there was no mention of the instrument Cain employed to dispatch his brother. But in the several paintings I was able to Google up, he seemed to be holding a long bone with teeth in it. I guess what I’m saying here is something that teachers have known for a long time. People are more likely to remember something they have seen with their own eyes than something that they have read or have been told.

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3. A letter about neurolinguistics from my old friend from Gorham Normal School, Tom Dennen, reminds me that when I was in school and reading neurolinguistics and psycholinguistics I launched another branch of scientific investigation that I called glandularlinguistics. I actually started to write an advice column under the pseudonym of Ann Glanders. Because I never throw away anything I've written, my wife will someday burn or throw away all of those great advice columns when she cleans out my boxes in the barn. I vaguely remember one letter from a young newlywed who asked how she could keep her husband from running off to play chess with his buddies every night. After a paragraph of puns and convoluted wordplay, I advised the young chess widow to check her stale mate. Or something like that. It was over 40 years ago. I wish I could remember all of it. You’d enjoy it. If you’re interested in curiosities perhaps you should plan to attend when my wife auctions off my estate,

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4. And now we turn our attention to Ecclesiastes. You know that, as a speaker still trying to learn, I often focus my scholarly lens on TV preachers. One morning it was a man named David who put Elmer Gantry to shame while addressing an auditorium packed to the rafters. Any speaker who loves his work might kill his own brother with the jawbone of an ass for such a sober, pliant audience. To give Elmer credit, the psychology of milking a crowd has come a long way in the past 86 years. One could not observe David too long before Elmer Gantry would come to mind because the message was the futility of accumulating wealth without sharing it with a higher power --- by way of his corporeal messengers. It is only by reaching the hearts and souls of men that you can get your hand on their wallets, so the final pitch in any TV sermon is always of great interest to me. Unfortunately I missed it, because Marsha returned from her shower so I shut off the sound. --- after which I did see advertised 31 Days to Happiness on a silent screen. If you check out David’s web page, you might want to buy any of the $264 or so worth of products advertised there, including The Coming Economic Armageddon CD Album. With a national television audience and a packed auditorium every week can you imagine the amount of income that web page generates and the number of air conditioned dog houses it will buy? Why oh why didn’t I get into the preaching business.

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5. A friend of mine who lives in Brazil sent me a speech that I think was read before their legislature and has since been widely distributed throughout Brazil. In every country I've ever read about, since history began there has been a struggle between the haves and the have nots. The number one question in any society is --- who gets the money? Which is of course, why there are at least 2 political parties. One speaks for the best interests of the workers and one represents the very rich. But because I know nothing of the have and have-not political parties in Brazil, I was unable to determine, just by reading the speech, which side the speaker was on. Perhaps you have noticed that although only one party is telling the truth, both sides blame the other for each and every financial or social difficulty. So --- I realized that for the first time in years I was able to identify with Americans who can hear a speech, and not have the slightest idea of where the speaker was coming from. If they like the speaker, or have been told by their friends that the speaker is telling the truth, they are likely to take his words at face value without reading up on the actual facts. So I now realize that it takes a lot of study or perhaps even some extended time in residence before one can have the least idea of what is going on in any country. The sad thing here, there and everywhere, is that there are many citizens who might live in a country their entire lives and still vote against their own economic interests in every election.

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6. The other morning it was good to see more than a little name calling in my local newspaper’s news blog. I read that blog every day and am always glad to see name calling. As you know, Name calling is a strong indicator that the speaker really doesn't have much of a grasp of the facts and hopes to reduce others to calling her names in return. Can you think of any tactic that would better obfuscate any issue? --- “Your mother has a mustache.” "Yeah, yeah, not as long as yours.” Have you noticed that sometimes it is obvious that name callers have nothing more in mind than calling attention to themselves? "Hey, notice me you blankety-blanks." If you don't read your local newspaper’s blog every morning you are missing out on some good reading and valuable insights. There is a whole class of people out there that you probably didn't know exists. Don’t you think that name calling is informative? Doesn’t it let you know that the speaker is short on facts and has no other argument?

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7. Long before sunrise, I pressed my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, with my manly arms. She whispered “I hope you’re going to be sociable today.” She probably actually shouted, but I didn’t have my hearing aids in. For the first time in many months we were expecting visitors and at 0530 my wife was already worrying about my conduct 8 or so hours away. She said, “I hope you’re not going to just sit in a stupor.” Many people dislike interruptions in their daily routines. Marsha, being a Type-A who plans weeks ahead, had seemingly forgotten that I welcome all diversions. You might remember hearing me say that on one delightful day last summer 19 different parties dropped in, unannounced, each with his or her own agenda. It was a great day for a man who thinks he has the ability to regale guests with wry anecdotes while building a solar hot water heater or replacing the shingles on the back of his house. Because I can’t even eat or sit on the throne without a book in my hand for mental stimulation you can see why guests are always welcome. There is always something new and exciting here for those extra hands. Some have the pleasure of being my studio audience while I make a radio program. Many have helped me pick up fallen apples to feed to the cow friends. The elite are invited into the pasture where we collect manure in five gallon buckets to facilitate my next garden. Some visitors are so overwhelmed by my hospitality that they have been known to suddenly remember other urgent appointments and have torn themselves away. So Marsha’s morning reminder has brightened what, for me, would have otherwise been an ordinary, humdrum day. For two weeks I’ve put off sanding and painting my bicycle.

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8. More and more Knox County women in their mid 40s are dating men in their early 20s. Professor Glean, a local sociologist, considers this to be a most unusual and unhealthy phenomenon and is hoping to discover what the two groups can possibly have in common. Glean says, “You would think that a 45 year old woman would seek out a 60 year old man who could satisfy her intellectual needs. Yet we see many of these women, accompanied by no more than children, out on the town six and seven nights a week. One would think that a woman over 40 would know that you can’t trust a man until hair grows in his ears. Whatever do they find to talk about? What is it about these young men that older women find so attractive?”

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9. Please think carefully about what I’m about to say. If it wasn’t for the comments posted in your Facebook, you’d never know which of your friends drank in the morning.

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10. One of my favorite poems by Oliver Wendell Holmes contains the line, “I only ask that Fortune send A little more than I shall spend.” And it is true. No matter how much we have, it is human nature to want more. I have 14 Model T Ford engines, but one day someone asked me if I’d like two more and I couldn’t say no. Drive down the road in any town or village and you will see row after row of storage sheds where people proudly pile possessions --- little alliteration there like you hear in Beowulf --- people proudly pile possessions that they obviously don’t need. For years I coveted my next door neighbor’s old green garage. It sagged on both sides and I knew that someday soon he’d tear it down and build a new one. Before that happened I planned to offer him a couple of hundred bucks for it and drag it home behind my tractor. But I went away for a day and when I came home I discovered he’d burned it down. A couple of hundred? If he’d said to me, “Robert, I’ll let it go for four,” I would have given him as much as $400 for that great storage building. What he did was tantamount to putting a match to 40 ten dollar bills. Remember that no matter how wretched something looks to you, one of your neighbors probably wants it. You might want to keep this in mind if your wife suddenly takes an interest in bowling three times a week.

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11. Did you see the South African runner Oscar Pistorius on TV the other morning? In spite of his troubles he still has quite a bit of spring in his walk.

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