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The week of April 7 marked 35 years that humble has made this radio program for you. --- Around 1820 shows. He was a kid of 42 when he started driving to Orono every week to make this program.

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Rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for April 21, 2013

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1. Long time radio friend Peggy wrote to me about a boy who is “Nineteen years old. The cerebral cortex has not yet matured. Judgment is faulty until at least the age of 22-23." This is the best reason I have ever seen for keeping boys and girls on separate islands until they are at least 35.

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2. This comment is from my brain guru regarding something I said earlier about the maturation date of the cerebral cortex. "The quote is quite correct, although a little simplified, and 'executive function' is probably a misnomer and actually means something more complex. It is not until around 25 yrs of age that the brain matures fully and we begin to understand the impact our actions have upon others and the world. Some people care more than others just what those impacts might be - empathy also tends to mature late and in some cases, not at all. All these things are 'learned' in the sense that the 'training' can be thwarted or undermined by experience. Think attack dogs and the children soldiers of Africa." Isn't it interesting to consider that that some of the greatest scientific discoveries, personal fortunes and works of art were produced by brains that were not yet fully mature.

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3. I just heard about a thing on television called an android tablet. I perked right up when I heard it, thinking one or two android tablets a day might be good for arthritis or my androids. But later in the day the android tablet turned up again when I was Googling something so I looked for a definition of android tablet. You might be happy to learn that an android tablet is no more than a tablet computer that runs the Android operating system and that some have a case that resembled the iPad. I’m not going to Google iPad to see what that is because I will probably only learn that it is a poor boy’s version of an android tablet.

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4. I’m probably in the wrong business, because if I were a cop arresting drunken drivers I would have told Reese Witherspoon that I had never heard of her. Who in the world has ever heard of Reese Witherspoon? My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, knows the names of all the modern cars. My wife Marsha, who has never heard of Mr. Wimple or Senator Claghorn or Mein husband Pierre, says that she has heard of Reese Witherspoon, and this is what amazes me. How in the world could my wife have lived in the same house with me for 20 years and have accumulated all of this useless esoteric knowledge --- right under my nose, as it were --- without having a bit of it rub off on me? I’m the humble farmer at gmail dot com and I hope you’ll write and tell me of similar inexplicable things that have transpired in your household.

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5. You might have seen this ad that just happened to appear on my computer screen. It says, "He's Got the Libido of a 20-Year-0ld: Cambridge scientists have developed a game-changing testosterone booster that will skyrocket performance in the gym and desire in the bedroom. Learn More…” Think what having "the Libido of a 20-Year-Old" means. If I may quote my mother, it means that "You have no more brains than God gave geese." Most of the time you are running in mindless circles, much like a mother cow who has just been separated from her calf. Every night you're out on the town, going places you shouldn't and getting stuck in your car or running out of gas, walking 15 miles to get home from the top of some unknown mountain or some mosquito-infested bog, or going to dances at The Blue Goose or Simonton's Corner. All of which ensures that you barely have strength enough to get to work the next day. When I was 20, when my ship was in Baltimore, I'd hitchhike home for a weekend - in January. Are you listening? I'd walk off the ship in Baltimore at 5 p.m. and hitchhike 503 miles at night in January. Probably get home around noon on Saturday because I might be standing on the George Washington Bridge or the Maine Turnpike for two hours. Go to a dance Saturday night, and on Sunday morning hitchhike from St. George, Maine, back to Baltimore. All of this is recorded in intimate detail in my diaries which, when they are published (because of the mandatory spicy affairs with my cleaning wench - written in Swedish), should put me right up there with William Byrd and Samuel Pepys, who also recorded their secrets in code. I'm 77 years old. Been there, done that, and I'm going to say "Thank you" - I'm going to pass on having the Libido of a 20-Year-Old. That would be just like giving someone permission to stick a tube in your left ear and then suck the entire cranial cavity dry. If you don't believe me, read a few pages from the diary you kept when you were 20.

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6. Tell me what you think about this. Wouldn’t the number of shootings in this country certainly decrease if everybody cared enough about their own personal safety to continually pack heat. We must be ever vigilant. You probably heard about the Alabama guy who went to a party with a gun to protect himself. It was a good thing that he did because he ended up killing three people and wounding three others before he felt safe enough to leave.

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7. What does an old man do when he doesn't have high blood pressure and does have excellent cholesterol levels? Please remember that to get there I have deprived myself of most anything that is good to eat for 8 or so years now. I had one piece of cake for my 77th birthday, which amazed my wife. She knows I’m pretty strict about what I eat and drink and seeing me eat that cake surprised her. I didn’t feel well after I ate the cake because sugar affects me like that. But, if I knew I was going to perish in a week I'd eat a quart of butterscotch sundae every day. I’ve read that ice cream is very high in sugar and saturated fat. I don’t know what that means, but I’ll bet a doctor would say that it’s what kills you. But who would care if they only had a week left, anyway? My friend owns an ice cream store and before I went cold turkey I was eating one or two of the mistakes he brought home every day. If there is anything easier or better than eating a quart of ice cream with butterscotch syrup on it I don't know what it is. Could you go 8 years without a spoonful of ice cream? Could you go 8 years without a bite of sausage or a slice of bacon? Imagine how hard it would be to pass up sausage and bacon if your wife fried up a pound of it every morning for the Bed & Breakfast guests. Do you know what it’s like to see your guests get up from the table with their arteries so clogged with cholesterol they can barely stagger out to the car? And there are still two pieces of bacon that nobody touched on the serving plate? Could you clean off that table without eating them? Radio friend Steve who has heard about The Almost Perfect Woman’s cooking wants to know if my wife’s breakfast is a registered weapon.

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8. A radio friend from Rockland sent me a good thing I wanted to read for you. It was something like this that Professor William wrote: "Snowmobiles and ATVs are nature's way of chlorinating the gene pool." The thing I wanted to read for you had something to do with Mendel or Machiavelli. What do you do when you want to find something in your computer? You do a search, right? So I searched for Machiavelli. But because that’s too long to type, I only typed Machia. And I turned up Machias.

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9. Here’s an article, probably paid for and written by some agricultural conglomerate in Brazil, that touts the benefits of drinking coffee. It was posted on my Facebook page by Pegg, my most trustworthy guide to a healthy organic lifestyle who advocates the moderate use of this indispensable drug. Please do not write to me and explain that coffee is not a drug. I have called drinking coffee doing drugs for years and I do not need to hear from you or read medical studies to be told what this drug is or what this drug can do. I can see myself at dozens of banquet tables, quickly guzzling two quick cups 15 minutes just before going on stage so I would not only not fall asleep in front of 300 people but would be wired. Drugs can change the thought patterns in one's mind. Even as people should not make fools of themselves by posting on Facebook after even one alcoholic drink, people in my socio-economic class should not make fools of themselves by posting on Facebook before doing this mind elevating drug. I'm still annoyed, however, knowing that after four days on drugs, I am one of those unfortunates who feels like he is having a heart attack. Did you hear what I said? After drinking coffee four days in a row, I have a pain in my chest where lives my heart. It is a classic love-hate relationship, I am married to it and because I cannot afford a divorce lawyer I'm going to have to live with the drug monkey on my back.

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10. Speaking of the coffee habit, today I fell off the wagon and had my morning cup of shame. I might be unique in admitting that I have a coffee drinking problem. Most of the people you and I know with drinking problems will not admit it. Dick Curless was perhaps the last person to stand before a crowd, guitar in hand, and say, "Howdy friends. I have not had a drink for three years, two months and 21 days as of 12 minutes past four this afternoon." You and I have seen good friends die when their liver could take the strain of filtering alcohol no more. All have different levels of tolerance so some last longer than others. My present coffee drug habit is related to the necessity of my abstaining from alcohol. For some perverse reason, I did not drink beer or whatever some parent left in the pantry when I was a kid although I was the only one in the crowd who didn't. Now I know that the disease of alcoholism is genetically transmitted and that I have it so it’s a good thing I never started. You might remember hearing me tell that a few years ago I chugged so many ounces of wine once a day because I read medical evidence that it could contribute to a longer life. As I recall, a gallon of wine cost around $9 and would last for over a month. During that period I could empathize with your basic wino, because there is nothing that tastes nastier than $9 a gallon wine --- which is why you have to chug it and chase the vile taste with a pint of water. What I mean to say is that nothing tastes nastier than $9 a gallon wine unless it is the $30 a bottle wine that a friend brought over when he learned I was experimenting with natural medicines. You will also recall that I had to give up the grape when my body erupted in red sores, probably inaugurated and exacerbated by a previously unknown allergy to alcohol, and that it was several weeks before I was on an even keel again. But I finished off the morning cup of shame and realized that I had better make this week's radio program before I come back to earth and am incapacitated by a foolish-hanging of my nether lip.

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11. Have you noticed the curious manner in which some news is handled in the United States? When an evangelical Christian blows up an abortion clinic, although he is applauded by his peers, the perpetrator is treated by the media as a unique individual who is mentally ill. For weeks afterward as the event is discussed by broadcasters we do not hear pointed mention of, “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war.” But when a fanatical Muslim sets off a bomb in a crowd, every Muslim of every shade, shape or color, is forever and ever indicted.

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