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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for January 5, 2014

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1. I keep seeing something that says "Three people on Facebook unfriended you." If it's only 3 I can't be writing enough of the things that need to be said.

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2. Has this ever happened to you? A good friend dies. Your eyes fill with tears. You take out your handkerchief and dry your eyes while thinking, "That's three of my favorite books I'll never see again."

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3. You might have had to think a while before you understood why anyone would be climbing a New Hampshire mountain in a blizzard in December. The ice is not yet thin enough to break beneath a snowmobile.

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4. Here’s something I read in my computer the other day. What do you think of it? It said: “I am the only one of my contemporaries I know who, in his old age, has not become bitter and disillusioned with mankind." It is signed: The humble Farmer, satirist

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5. Every morning I try to ride my bike 10 miles. It is one of the most difficult things I have to do all day. It would be easier if I had a tape recorder in my pocket and earphones so I could listen to someone telling stories in French or German. Riding a bike for an hour without listening to language tapes is difficult because for every minute of that hour you are alone and forced to spend some time with yourself.

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6. At the age of 77 I finally hurt my back. I did it throwing myself backwards on a rider lawnmower, trying to get enough traction to mow a banking . Don't you do it. I visited the doctors and had x-rays and an MRI and therapy. And for a month I gobbled codeine and drank prune juice and walked around with my eyeballs only three feet from the floor because I couldn't straighten up. I went to sleep sitting up on the edge of my bed because I couldn't lie down. I had to sit down to cook my rolled oats or emcee a show. It is my understanding that the picture revealed a broken bone that was rubbing up against a nerve. I was told that the quicker I got that bone out of there by surgery, the better off I'd be. But by the time I got around to see the surgeon I had to be reminded that something was amiss in my back. I was doing 10 miles every day on a two-speed bike. He took a couple of more x-rays, put his hand on my head and said "Heal" (I asked him to do this) and he sent me home. --- With the caveat that the pain might come back sometime. But that it would probably go away. I suppose the reasoning in some medical circles is, if the man is 77 and is able to kiss his knee and ride a bike 10 miles a day --- and if he has to be reminded that he has a bad back --- don't mess with it. Because I was a wimp and never played sports, I didn't tear a ligament or break a bone until I was 77. The surgeon told me that I had "a young man's disease." When I got home I told my wife and she looked up with great expectations. Yes, everyone is different so the same might not apply to your bad back. Do what your doctor tells you to do. Remember, too, that there are second opinions. For years I've helped my friends with this and that. But now, finally at the age of 77, I can smile wistfully and say, "Sorry, I can't help you. I have a bad back."

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7. Although I've never seen Duck Dynasty I'm aware that it is a show about guys with whiskers. Here I'm just venturing a guess, but I would guess that the people in this show probably pretend to be a lot dumber than they really are. They dress just like Bowdoin professors trying to fit in at the Common Ground Fair. Now we read that one of the Duck Dynasty people got thrown off the air for saying naughty things on the air. All this means to anyone who thinks about it is that the controversial comments by whoozits on this show is nothing more than a cleverly contrived scheme to boost ratings of Duck Dynasty. They probably told him, “Hey, you say this and that, we’ll kick you off the show and give you so much money you’ll never have to work again, and our ratings will go through the roof.”

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8. Seems as Dick Cash used to sing a song with the words "What I say." Yes, here it is in Wikipedia: ""What'd I Say" (or "What I Say") is a song by American rhythm and blues musician Ray Charles, released in 1959" On the same page we read about another song: It says, “The gospel and rhumba influences combined with the sexual innuendo in the song made it not only widely popular but very controversial.” That’s how you write a song that sells: mix the gospel with sex and you’ve got a winner. I remember when kids used to go around singing “Jesus Christ, Superstar” hoping it would shock adults. No one enjoys songs or stories with a bit of verboden sexual innuendo like children --- and women over 60.

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9. You probably heard of the man who shot his stepdaughter who was coming in through a window. He thought it was a burglar [he said] and she made his day. I wonder how many of us have ever heard steps in our home in the day or night, wondered who it was, and then be startled to see a friend or relative who says, “Hey, my car broke down. Can you give me a ride home?” Anyone who thinks about this should keep a loaded pistol handy. Sooner or later some relative or neighbor that you could do without is going to knock at your door. You can shout, "Come in" and then stand your ground and blow them away when they enter. If you think about this critically you certainly realize that it is your word against someone who is unlikely to testify. If you read the newspapers you must realize that I am not the first person to consider the inherent possibilities in standing your ground.

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