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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for April 13, 2014

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1. The email said, “Look rich with Rolex from $199.” It made me laugh when I saw it. Who in their right mind would pay $199 for a watch when you can get a good one for $12 most anywhere? And who wants to look rich? A couple of my friends look rich, and when they went to Cannes to the film festival someone stole their rich kid looking bag with credit cards and money and who knows what else in it. What do you think these Frenchmen hold that film festival for? The bag I carry when I travel looks like something a Steinbeck character would have thrown off a bald-tired truck half way between Oklahoma and California. Nobody would steal my bag. And if they did all they’d get would be a pair of dirty drawers. My wife told me that my bag belonged to her first husband from Amsterdam, so it has been around for a while. Why would anyone want to look rich? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to be rich and look poor?

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2. Robert in Bath says that Harvard will set tuition for students at no more than 10-percent of their family income. Just my luck to not have any kids. I could send them all to Cambridge and Harvard would owe me money.

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3. Did you hear that an ambulance rolled over last week? Is this how news reports can be misleading? Although no one was injured, the police report said they found one man dead at the scene.

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4. May I call your attention to an Associated Press article on taxing private planes that fly into Maine? The way I understand it, business people buy private planes in states that have no sales tax on airplanes. This, of course, helps that state because they can sell more planes if there is no tax. Some savvy business people even form corporations in Montana so they can register all of their motorcycles, motor homes, trucks and cars in Montana, because in Montana you pay no tax to register your car, truck, motor home and motorcycles. Then they drive their vehicles in Maine, without having to pay the taxes which help support highway maintenance. It’s a free ride but there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this in Maine. It is one of the things that separate those who are smart enough to get rich from those of us who aren’t. Some even change their legal residences to other states or countries so they won’t have to help middle class tax payers shoulder the tax load. But from what I read in the AP article, the chickens are coming home to roost when it comes to private airplanes. If they paid no tax on these planes when they bought them, for the next year or so when they go into states that do tax the sale of airplanes, they are going to have to pay a state use tax for the --- well, the use of the runway that they land on. The reasoning is thus: why should taxpayers pick up airport maintenance expenses for these people who pay no taxes at home and yet expect to use airport services in Maine for free? The rich are easily excited. Imagine how they’d howl if more than a third of their gross yearly income went to pay for their health insurance like mine does.

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5. You should look forward to getting older because as you get older, life gets simpler. One day I called a man in Farmington who said I called him last week and asked him the same question. It is true that when you’re old you might do the same thing two or three times but it doesn’t worry you because you don’t realize you’ve already done it. And when you get old you have reached the age of impunity: nobody knows or cares if you’ve done anything or not. You probably know that I learned the word “impunity” when I first read about poor old Rip Van Winkle. I quote: “Having nothing to do at home, and being arrived at that happy age when a man can do nothing with impunity, he took his place once more on the bench.” When you read Rip Van Winkle, did you see an aged man coming down from the mountains to rejoin his neighbors? Or did you ever do the math? The way I read it, after poor old Rip Van Winkle woke up from his 20-year nap and came back to town to retire as one of town elders, he was 43 years old.

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6. Do you see strange things and wonder about them? Do you know enough to keep your mouth shut when you do? We’ve talked about some curious dining customs, but let’s chew it over some more. In some of the better households, guests have been seen standing quietly behind their chairs until the hostess is seated. My wife is so busy tending out on everyone at the table, she might not sit down until most of us have finished. If good manners is doing what makes your host and hostess comfortable, when you come to our house you will enter the dining room, sit down quickly and thereby get out of the way so we can get on with the matter at hand. There are among us a few people who really enjoy doing things to annoy their friends. One of the one or two things in this whole world you might do to make me ugly is to come to my house for supper and then show me that you have good manners by standing behind your chair.

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7. While we are talking about the strange and curious things people do when invited to a friend’s house for dinner or supper, we should mention clearing the table at the end of the meal. If you have ever made a study of this as I have, you will notice that men and women alike are likely to leap to their feet and bring their empty plates, along with everything else into the pantry. Of course there is no room for all these things or this struggling mass of humanity in our pantry. There is only room for one person in the pantry. You might compare their arrival with the effect of a diverted river on the Agean Stables. A home is not a restaurant where there are huge empty stainless steel racks where you can pile all your clutter beside the dish washer. There is only one counter, and that is already piled high with all the pots and pans that were used to prepare the meal. Can’t you see, my friend, that if you want to help, you’ll stay rooted to your chair or go outdoors or do anything except contribute to the chaos that already exists around the person who is trying to restore order in the kitchen?

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8. Table manners are changing in this country. It is getting so that if you want someone to feel comfortable when they come to your house for supper, you serve them in paper plates on a plastic tray with plastic forks and a paper cup. Without even thinking, they’ll get up when they’ve finished, dump the paper and plastic into a big barrel, throw their tray on a pile next to the barrel, and leave. The only thing that will remain the same as the good old days is the absence of a tip.

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9. And here is another junk email which makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me or if some people really are crazy. This junk email says, “see me in my bedroom getting undressed at…” such and such a website. Tell me if you think anyone who sends you an email like that is crazy. Yes. Tell me. I want to know what you think of this kind of email. Suppose I sent you an email that said, “See me in my bedroom getting undressed.” If I were to send it and you were to look at it, don’t you think most people would think that both of us were crazy?

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10. Years ago my cousin Truman Hilt applied for a job staging fight scenes in the movie Mel Gibson filmed in Camden. When they asked Cousin Truman if he'd had any experience, Truman replied, "Well, I was married for 6 years."

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11. You have heard me say that I can bring my wife home by simply thinking about stretching out on a bed or couch. Before my head has had time to sink into the cushion, she comes in the door. If you are a creative husband, you can probably think up dozens of ways to make your wife come in through the door, even though you have iron-clad proof that she is on safari in Africa or is reading seismological meters inside a volcano in Guatemala. Here’s my most recent example from the other night. My wife Marsha went off with her daughter and three grandchildren to take a walk down to Fort Point. At five o’clock, which is supper time, she was not home, so, because I’m not a helpless child, I cooked my own supper. But, the instant my fingers released a frozen hotdog over a pan of boiling water, the driveway bell rang. Ding ding ding. Yes. She was home before the hotdog had time to hit the water.

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