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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for July 20, 2014

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1. Use it or lose it. Write it down or forget it. This morning I thought of something I wanted to tell you, but while taking apple grunt down to my brother I forgot what it was. I only remember half of what I wanted to tell you. When I say I'm 78 and people say, "That's not old," I reply, "If this is true, why does Miss Marple on television look like a hot, young chick?"

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2. Long time radio friend Robert in Brunswick says, “The only way to get an automobile entirely manufactured in the United States is to purchase a foreign car.”

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3. You know that I still live in a village where my people have lived for over 250 years. So it should come as no surprise to you that I am related to almost everyone here, except the new families that have moved in since the War of 1812. When I was a little boy, Captain Thomas, who was born in 1877 and was a third cousin to me, used to look at me and say, "You don't know. You don't know." I am now older than Captain Thomas was then and I finally understand what he was saying to me. --- And what he was thinking when he looked at me. The other day I spoke with a fine young man of 22 or so, and I thought the same thing when I looked at him. I wished that there was some way I could shift some things from my brain to his. I wished I could give him the pleasant memories I have of his people for six or so generations. And how good all of those old folks were to me when I was a little boy. I knew his great-great-great-great grandmother. And when I was a little boy her daughter (who was born in 1878) was one of my favorite people. And later there were some things I did with this boy's grandfather and some things I saw his grandfather do. And when I spoke with that boy yesterday, I kept thinking, "You don't know. You don't know. --- And it is just as well, when it comes to some things, that you don't know."

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4. I was telling that the deer were eating my cucumbers and squash. And I was asking my friends how I could keep deer out of my garden. Fred said, “My grandfather used to put a kerosene lantern out to keep the deer out of his garden. He told me that one night he saw the light moving around and when he went to see what was going on a buck had hooked the lantern on his antler and was showing the young ones where to find the best beans.”

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5. I was awake from 1 until 4 one morning and for part of that time I was reading Mike Royko. " ... becoming an irritant to the City's politicians with penetrating and skeptical questions and reports." For years I have believed that Mike Royko was the greatest. He won a Pulitzer prize. But in reading his columns at 2 in the morning I continually said to myself, "If I wrote this it would not get published in the Portland Press Herald because it would offend somebody," And, "If I read this on the radio, I'd never get to say another word on the radio again." I ask a lot of questions. There is nothing many people hate more than questions. Because if you ask questions, it might give other people the idea that they should be asking questions, too. For example, instead of saying that Obama or LePage is an "Idiot," some of us might simply ask why Obama or LePage did thus and so. If you can get other people to ask the same questions, you might dictate the outcome of an election. When Marsha read my column last week she said, "You ask a lot of questions." That part about the q was luckily edited out and didn't get published. Which is OK by me. But think of all the dozens of good writers in this country who will never get a crack at the Pulitzer prize because their editor didn't want to offend anybody.

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6. The kids arrived the other night and I availed myself of the extra woman power to fasten a mirror to the garage that I can see when I look in the mirror here over my computer. By attaching it with three hinges and a sliding metal adjustment rod, I can now see the mirror on the garage which, when properly aligned, enables me to see any car in my driveway and anyone stopped at my rhubarb stand. I got the hinges for pennies at a lawnsale and the mirror and adjustment rod at the dump, of course. Doesn't a man who has his office in a solar radiant heated cellar deserve to see what's happening in the world around him?

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7. Claire, who is a Facebook friend, sent me a picture of her back door. Claire has 8-foot lengths of firewood standing beside the door. Years ago, when I was in the process of destroying my lungs with wood smoke from a kitchen stove, I didn't do that with my firewood. I just threw it on the ground, and after a few snowstorms and ice storms, by the time March rolled around I had to chop my alders out of the ice with an axe. I wish I’d thought of standing my firewood on end by the back door. It is the kind of technological advance that warrants a picture on any timeline showing the ascent of man.

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8. Do you answer the questions asked by your Facebook page? "Where have you traveled?" "What is your telephone number?" "When did you start at University of Maine at Orono?" When did you start at University of Rochester?" "Did you graduate from University of Maine at Orono?" "When did you stop going to University of Maine at Orono?" Have you ever tried to fill in all the blanks? If so, how many questions about your past and present do you have to answer before Facebook is satisfied? Does it ever say, "Stop. You've already told me more about your pathetic existence than I want to know.” Have you seen the movie called Her? I think it is about a man who falls in love with a computer generated woman’s voice on a computer. You might have read that Her confessed to her on-line lover that she was currently in love with 6,523 other men at the same time. Have you ever wondered if your 1346 Facebook friends are real, or if they exist only in cyberspace? Has anyone written a book about the next obvious step?: A president of the United States or governor of Maine who turns out to be a computer generated entity and therefore pleases everyone? Harrison Ford is too old for the voice role in the movie. Brad Pitt's present wife wouldn't let him take the job for fear he'd fall for his computerized female movie consort. Do you lie awake nights thinking about these things? I don't, but they come to me in the morning when I'm putting off taking my shower or doing any kind of meaningful work.

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9. Old people are completely at sea today. We don't stand a chance. Unlike little kids, we don't know computer terminology and we aren't surrounded by peers who can teach us things every waking hour of the day. "How do I put a disk into a laptop Acer cM5," I asked Google. I am having a struggle because I don't know what that little door and the tray behind it that holds CD or DVD disks is called. My wife Marsha’s nephew gave her a new laptop but we haven't been able to figure out how to open the little door on the side that holds disks. I thought I'd surprise her with my technical savvy and be able to tell her how to open it when she comes home from work tonight. But my question is too elementary to warrant an on-line answer. What turns up when you ask how to open the little door on the side of the computer is several web sites that tell you how to remove the hard drive. Anyone able to answer any question you can ask about a computer is driving a Jaguar before they’re 40.

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10. Here’s something I found while looking up Buck Fanshaw’s Funeral. When challenged to cite a passage of Scripture that expressly forbids polygamy, Mark Twain said, “No man can serve two masters." And beneath it was a story about two people in Spruce Head who were discussing the origin of First Baptist Church. One said that it started way back in the 13th chapter of Genesis when Abraham said to Lot, “If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.” Years ago I wrote about this continual congregation splitting after seeing people squabbling in a local church. Half of them, or 16 or so, left and moved into another building across the street with a sign out front, proclaiming it to be the "Beacon of True Light" or something similar, where they could raise their hands in the air and holler. And a year later half of them, which would be 8 or so, left the Beacon of True Light and moved into another building next door to that with a sign out front that said "The Way of Christ" where they could not only throw their arms in the air in ecstasy but roll on the floor and speak in tongues. And at last after a couple more splits it got to a point where only one woman was left because the last person to disagree with her had moved into yet another building 300 feet down the road where that person, as a reverent herpetologist, could bite snakes in the manner proscribed by Scripture. I mentioned to Gramp Wiley that here, at last, was a church, containing only one perfect woman, that could split no more. And Gramp leaned back in his rocker and said, “Not true: "She's schizophrenic."

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11. I write several things on my Facebook page every day. If something looks or sounds right, I then pass it along to you here. One day I mentioned that I have in the barn a 1925 Model T roadster that I bought from George Ranta for $100 around 50 years ago. I’ve never driven it and I mentioned that I could probably double my money should I decide to sell it today. Someone wrote back that she’d be glad to give me $500 for it if it runs. If it runs. I know nothing about computers or cooking food or how to make Jello. If you have mastered computers or cooking or making Jello you probably take it for granted that what you do is rather elementary and self explanatory. For over 60 years I have been driving the same Model T Ford. So it would never occur to me that anyone could look at a Model T Ford --- in any condition --- and wonder if it would run. It would be easier to believe that there once was a Maine child who ran into the kitchen and asked his mother if an apple were a good thing to eat.

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