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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for August 17, 2014

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1. We read that some boys recently stole $200,000 in cash from under a fisherman’s mattress. I asked why anyone would go into a neighbor’s house and steal. Robert in Brunswick gave me the best answer to my question. Robert said, “It takes money to do things.”

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2. Buying a Mercedes like I did in 1974 to save money over the long haul was ridiculed by patriotic Americans. Back then I noticed that people with lots of money bought Fords and traded every four years. I thought it would be smarter and more economical in the long run to pay $7500 for a Mercedes that I could drive for the rest of my life. Forty years later, there isn’t a speck of rust on it and it is going strong. If my truck lasts another month, it will have over 300,000 miles on it. Driving a truck for 300,000 miles does nothing for the economy and anyone smart enough to earn over $40,000 a year can, and probably should, certainly trade up at 250,000. Trying to make things last is certainly not what is expected of a patriotic American. We are expected to surround our children with colored plastic toys and buy replacements at Walmart when they break. You might compare a man who bought a 240 D Mercedes in 1974 with the crackpots of today who put solar radiant heat in every new concrete floor that they pour. --- And avoid paying a light bill by generating their own electricity with the free rays from the sun. You can go out on the street anywhere in America today and find any number of people who will tell you that using solar energy is not an economically sound investment. They will also tell you that ISIS has always been our enemy. These things must be true because they heard it on the news.

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3. While sitting in the living room for the first time in months --- it was bright and cheerful there with plenty of fall afternoon sunlight --- I put my book aside and picked up a New York Times a friend had left behind and on the front page I read that a 9-year-old girl killed her experienced and qualified firing range instructor with a machine gun. Could this happen anywhere but in America where, for a steep fee, you can take your child to a recreational shooting range where they can fire the weapons of their dreams: automatic machine guns, sniper rifles, grenade launchers? In my mind I saw a child struggling to hold up the kind of hardware we have seen over and over in movies of the Valentine's Day Massacre. It wasn't until I saw a picture later that I realized that nowadays weapons that spray bullets can easily fit into a pocket in your pants. On the same page I read that police shot a crew member who was filming a segment for the reality show, Cops. When I was 12 I craved guns. Because my eyes must have been exceptional back then, I was very handy with 22 single shot Remington rifle. I even bought a $2 pistol from a classmate when I was in high school and marvel now that I didn't kill myself. But in recent years I have been very nervous when around guns because accidents happen. When anyone breaks out a pistol they want to show me, I ask them to please put it away. It wasn't all that long ago that a Maine police chief shot himself and we have to believe he didn't do it on purpose. I've seen large holes in my hen house door (ask to see them when you are here) that would indicate to me that at any given day during hunting season a high powered bullet could easily go in one side of my house and out the other. I think about these things. Anyway, since yesterday at least one little girl will be able to boast that when it comes to real life, she has killed more gun-savvy people than Clint Eastwood. Expect more of this kind of thing. It won't be long before They will be coming for us and savvy Americans want their young 'uns to be ready for 'em.

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4. Some of our friends and neighbors are sure that it won’t be long before They will be coming for us. So some of our friends and neighbors have a good supply of food in the cellar and keep guns under their pillows. If you pay attention to the news you know where so-called bad guys get their guns and food. They get their guns and food from the people who have food in the cellar and guns under the bed. It has always been that way. In every age in every land gangs of roving bandits, or call them armies if you will, have sustained themselves on what they could pick up by the side of the road. Oh, a curse upon old age. It has been so long since I picked up anything by the side of the road.

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5. If you are old enough you have heard of men who keep their wives barefoot. But you have to be very old to remember of hearing of barefoot wives because nowadays most women in Maine are likely to have six --- or even eight pair of shoes. Yes, the more I think about it the more I realize that if you are fifty or younger it is very unlikely that you have ever heard of Maine men who keep their wives barefoot. This is because Maine men, who know that life is already difficult enough as it is, discovered long ago that they do not want their wives running around barefoot. As you well know, I did not pluck this topic of barefoot Maine wives out of the air merely to have something to talk about with you today. You know very well that it was thrust upon me without warning by my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, who said, “You did not vacuum around the dining room table.” Well. You know that I’m a pretty fussy housekeeper and if I had seen crumbs on the floor I would have immediately vacuumed them up. So I said, “I do not see anything on the floor.” And this is the point of my story so please listen carefully. My barefooted wife said, “I don’t see anything on the floor either, but I can feel the grit beneath my feet.”

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6. In a recent local newspaper there was a letter that might have made you smile. The letter was about a gubernatorial candidate for the upcoming election. In reading it we learned that so-and-so would make an excellent governor --- because he has significant business experience. If the purpose of government is to serve the people, would not a sociologist be the best possible person to have at the helm of your state? Is it not your understanding that a businessman knows and cares more about making money than he does about people on hourly wage who can’t afford to have their teeth fixed? The writer of the letter has very deep pockets (and an excellent dental plan) if he wants to see Maine run as a business. Here’s one example of the difference between government and business: it was once the practice of business to dump chemicals into Maine rivers. Business, writhing, complaining and kicking, finally quit polluting your rivers only because you petitioned your government to protect your health. There are still a handful of people who believe that a government exists to serve the people. A good state government can build roads, maintain the infrastructure, facilitate education, ensure our health and safety--- and by so doing provide a generous environment where individual businesses can flourish. --- Thus invalidating any businessman’s claim that, “I done it by myself without any help frum the govmnt.” Those of us who want a world-class businessman to be our governor are presently very happy with the one we have now, thank you.

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7. Someone asked why I was painting the sign on front of our grange hall. Why is this your responsibility? My friend asked. My grandfather helped build this grange over 100 years ago. When I was a kid, all the old people went to grange. We were all relatives then. Perhaps two or three people from away. Spruce Head. Three miles away. I'm a concerned member of the community. Not long ago at one of our monthly suppers we raised several hundred dollars for the family of a sick little girl. We provide a building where members of the community can hold meetings or parties. The other day I spent over an hour digging bull thistles out of the field beside the Historical Society building. I could have been doing something for myself at home. Also, I'm Master of St. George Grange #421. I've belonged to this grange for 64 years. Being Master of a grange is like running for the legislature. You do it because no one else wants to do it. Also, Master is just a title: like everything else in the world, the place is run by women. Old men pretty well do what they are told.

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8. Our Bed and Breakfast friends of many years, Dr. Karen and Professor Peter, invited us out to supper one night. I don't enjoy eating out. After paying our monthly health insurance premium out of my monthly social security check, I have $152.34 left. And the thought of anyone blowing two-thirds of a month's income in one evening for a few plates of pan-seared-sea scallops --- well, it's inconceivable. I feel the same way about throwing away money like that that some people do when they see their neighbors on welfare get tattoos and buy cigarettes for themselves and cola for their kids. My wife Marsha enjoys eating out. She has the intestinal fortitude of a subway rat and can even eat exotic foods from away like quiche and yogurt. So, dressed to kill in the red jacket she got at the Salvation Army Store, Marsha went out on the town to hoot and holler. I gave her my blessing and asked her to say hi to any friends she encountered on her gastronomical adventure, because I knew that Marsha knows everyone. I'd already enjoyed half a night's sleep when she came tripping in and woke me at 8:20. She said there was a crowd at the restaurant's door. Even then, you didn't get in without reservations. And, sure enough, she told me about the neighbor friends who had been seated at the next table. I won't name names, but it goes without saying that they haven't lived in town all that long and when they moved here they brought their sailboat with them. --- Which says quite a bit about the clientele that keep our local restaurants booming. I can't think of any natives who are so cavalier with their cash. Anyway, I'm grateful to our friends from treating Marsha to a feast that she says she enjoyed immensely. And I mentioned to them that because I didn't accept their most welcome invitation, they could afford to take Marsha out and feed her again.

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9. Do you use gmail? Are your friends unable to see your contact information on the bottom of the email you send them? Do they ask for your address and phone number when you have sent it --- but they don’t see it? Here's how to have your signature visible in any gmail you send. You go below your signature that you can see, hit enter three times, hit the A in the box and then click on the quote button. Hit enter twice and it doesn't work. Hit enter three times and it does work. My instructions here won't help you, but you can see it illustrated with pictures. Try it a couple of times until you get onto it. I can do it every time now. If you Google you can find the web site with pictures on how to do it. Google these words: “Tricking Gmail out of Trimming your Signature.” Finally, a web site that actually tells you something that works. You know that I never brag but last week I also got Google to move my address down to the correct location on Google maps. How and why they ever had me living up at my father’s house I’ll never know. A grown man doesn’t live with his parents. I moved out when I was 29.

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