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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for December 21, 2014

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1. The only way you can like any movie is to be unfamiliar with the book.

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2. In 1912 Galsworthy wrote a story called Quality. To refresh your memory, it was about a boot maker who starved to death because he refused to make an inferior product. John Galsworthy came to mind when a friend told me about a small vegan coffee bar in Joplin that closed after 7 years because they couldn’t make a profit to pay themselves a living wage. They preached the gospel of clean eating but went deeper and deeper in debt because their organic ingredients were expensive and it took a long time to prepare their meals. Also, they had no health or dental insurance. Their customers were health conscious and appreciated a place where they could get normal portions of healthy food. The owners had a slogan written on the fridge. It said, “Slow Food is Good Food.” If there is a moral to this story, it’s probably, “Go ahead, Super Size Me.”

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3. Ignorance is bliss, if I may coin a term that should find currency. While reading my book about atoms yesterday, I learned that burning coal releases bad chemicals into the air. Only one of them is mercury, which kills people and makes others sick. We read on line that the mercury situation is getting better which may indicate that the regulations you have asked your government to impose on industry are working, or it may indicate that the offenders are bankrolling the agencies that write the reports. When I asked myself why we don’t shut down the coal plants today and turn to other sources for our energy, my mind immediately saw a parallel in Shirley Jackson’s story, The Lottery. Because one or two pre-teens might be listening, I will explain that in this story on one day every year, the entire community gathers in the town square to participate in a lottery. They have done this for so long that nobody knows how the tradition started. Everyone draws a slip of paper from a box. The person who wins is stoned to death by the others. There are a few people who would like to see the lottery discontinued but there is no way of stopping it. It’s always been that way and that is the way it has to be. Only a fool would try to change the traditional way of doing things by putting up solar panels on his house.

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4. Tom sent me an email that says, “I was at a wedding this past fall talking to cousin Steve who had recently started a farm specializing in Lavender flowers. He said that one of the difficulties was getting enough hired help during the harvest season. Given that the farm is located in California at the base of the Sierra Mountains, I said he should consider starting a spiritual retreat. He could develop mindfulness exercises that would involve harvesting the lavender flowers. He wasn't sure that this would work, but I reminded him that in India they say ‘There is a seeker born every minute.’”

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5. You’ve heard me say that I haven’t been able to go to the movies for years. 25 or so years ago I went to the movies with Julian and his wife Peggy and every time some character would say something important, they’d bring up that background music so neither Julian nor I could hear what was said. We’d both ask Peggy and she’d repeat it first on one side and then on the other, and I’d very likely laugh and look up just in time to see someone being strangled. Why do they put that background music in movies so you can’t hear what people are saying? And no matter what kind of program you are watching on TV, it seems that there is some little drumbeat clicking in the background. Now you might have noticed that some producers are putting background music behind the stories they tell on the radio. If I want to hear people telling a story that I can’t understand because of the music in the background, I’ll listen to La Bohème.

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6. Now that you’ve had a chance to think about it, you can probably tell me why people do some of the terrible stupid things they do. They get positive reinforcement from their friends when they do bad things. If you see a girl sitting in the sun until she turns black, even though she knows that sun will make her old and wrinkled before her time, and perhaps even give her cancer, you know it is because some of her friends have told her how great she looks when her skin is all burned from the sun. A woman will jam her feet into a narrow pair or high heeled shoes and be uncomfortable all day and destroy her feet just because from time to time someone tells her that she looks good. I’ve always been amazed that people will undergo real physical pain or destroy their health if someone tells them it is the thing to do. To be fair, I’m a conscientious hedonist so I’m into pleasure and not pain. Oh --- some people will do things if they think it moves them up a rung or two on the social ladder. Why do you listen to this show?

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7. Here I am at the kitchen counter one morning opening pill bottles when my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, says, “Why don’t you let me put your pills in one of those pill dispensers? Then you’d only have to open one thing in the morning instead of three.” I told her I’d rather open the three bottles because, after all, a man my age should be getting some exercise.

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8. What kind of conversations do you have with your spouse? Great world literature is filled with examples of people with nothing to say who have slowly drifted apart. Agatha Christie’s Harold Crackenthrop comes readily to mind. We are not talking here about people who snarl at each other but the introverts with nothing to say. You will be glad to hear that my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, and I strengthen our marriage every day as our conversations enrich our lives. (M talking) How can you see through those filthy glasses?

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9. Have you ever lost your keys in the sand at the beach, had your credit cards stolen from your gym locker, or left your wallet at the tennis court? If these unfortunate situations sound familiar, then perhaps you ought to give up sports.

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10. I read that one year in Columbia, Maine every man, woman and child spent an average of more than $805 on lottery tickets. It came to $229,000 worth of lottery tickets in just one small store. Think how many calories $229,000 would buy in fries, hamburgers, bottles of beer and potato chips. I think the citizens of Columbia should get a bronze plaque from the Department of Health for spending more than any town in Maine to combat alcoholism and obesity.

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11. Last Valentine's day my cousin Truman Hilt says he gave his fiancée a cup with a picture of her dog on it. But, he says, he’s been with her for 12 years now and she's been very good to him, so he figured she deserved much more. So this year he gave her a cup with two dogs on it.

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12. If you have small grandchildren you know how you look forward to their visits. When they are 3 or 4 years old you are always amazed at how much they have grown since the last time you saw them. Even more exhausting than playing with them, is changing your lifestyle --- shifting your bedtime around to accommodate theirs. You know that I’m a creature of habit, so I’ve got to admit that I always felt a lot stronger when they were not at the house --- so I could get to bed by 7.

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