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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for January 11, 2015.

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1. Here’s your humble farmer question of the week. Why was Prometheus so glad to see the Ex-Lax in his Christmas stocking?

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2. We heard on the news that Joe Cocker has died. How is it possible that such a famous person could have escaped my attention for 50 years? How could I have missed him? Where was I when he was out there doing his thing? If you have ever heard of Joe Cocker, what do you do that I don't do that enables you to recognize his name? There is no doubt but what the strata in society can be illustrated in a diagram similar to those showing a geologic cross section of sedimentary rock layers. Every time many famous people appear in concert, make a movie or die, I always wonder how I don't happen to fit into that vast group of citizens who recognize their names or faces. Tim Sample said it best. He wondered how Slim Whitman could have sold a million records without his ever hearing of the man. Please tell me that you have never heard of Joe Cocker. I don't want to feel that I'm the only inhabitant in my little layer of sediment.

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3. For a couple of days the news has showed divers looking for the body of a young man in a river. They say they found his car keys. The diagram we are shown indicates that he left a pub and walked to the river and vanished. He might be in the river and he might not be. It has not escaped your attention that many of this world's problems have transpired soon after pulling the cork on a bottle or leaving a pub. Would you compare drinking to your neighbor’s opinions on religion? No matter how absurd either would appear to a visitor from Mars, the convoluted mind of a practitioner will regurgitate a silly argument to justify it.

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4. I’m pretty sure that it was my friend Etienne, the Camden jeweler, who sent me a lifetime subscription to the J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual. The J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual is no more than a catalog of very pricey exotic items. What makes it interesting is the description accompanying each item because instead of describing the item, it paints a picture of what you will be doing when you are wearing the $158 Lacy Flannel Skirt. Probably having tea with the Duke of Hastings or lugging off a sack of money you have just won from James Bond in the Casino Royale. If you are familiar with the Owner’s Manual, you know that it contains some very silly but psychologically very powerful writing. It is an intentional satire on itself and is obviously very successful. I showed this Owner’s Manual to some gifted high school students and asked them to advertise a product with that kind of writing. This is what Dani wrote. Please listen closely: You’re sitting atop a villa, on a balcony overlooking the crystal blue ocean and Greece’s vibrant mountain side houses. The waiter, dressed in a slick black tux approaches you with the world’s most extravagant red wine. Your gaze shifts to her brilliant smile and twinkling eyes. A Miriachi band plays in the distance. ‘Strange’ you think the clashing cultures. A luscious antipasto salad is placed in front of both of you, the yearn of your stomach can be heard echoing within the valley, yet --- you’re missing something. * Bacon Bits*

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5. We hear that obesity is rampant. Being overweight is now the norm and those of us who are nothing but skin and bones are abnormal curiosities. My wife Marsha seems to live on lettuce leaves intermingled with small chunks of chicken. It is very disconcerting for an aged husband to hug his wife when she has the body of a 19-year-old dancer, but I live with it. Do people who are overweight dream of cakes and pies and sweet things to eat? Is their burning desire manifested by pictures of exotic foods on their Facebook pages? I post whatever comes to my mind on my Facebook page. Do others do the same? I invite you to pose as an academic and generate psychological profiles from several Facebook pages. Do you think this information would be of value to a person with something to sell? From your studies, which products do you think would be most in demand? Are we a society of frosted cakes, beer and guns or kittens playing with a ball of yarn in a blaze of golden sunshine?

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6. My brother says that old people’s minds function in a mode he calls “old-think.” People over 70 do not think in the same terms as people under 20. Did you realize that when people over 70 buy something or hire someone to help them, they have to imagine what something will cost and then multiply that number by 10 --- just to bring them into alignment with the current decade? For example, over the years I've bought or built 9 houses and I think the most I paid for any one of them was $21,000. I can’t imagine how anyone could pay 100 thousand dollars for a house. Where would they ever get the money to make the payments? Here’s an example of “old-think.” The other day, long-time radio friend Pegg posted on my Facebook page, “How do you think Zuckerberg got to be worth millions?”

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7. Do you hesitate to call friends for no reason other than to chat or to ask how they are doing? There are people I would call more often but I’ve been beside them too often when we’ve heard their telephone ring, and I’ve heard them swear and ask “Who in blazes could be calling now?” and then they pick it up. John Gould said that he was not a slave to his phone and that when his phone rang, he very often simply smiled and went in the other room. John Gould was a very strong man. What do you say when your phone rings?

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8. I have always admired Kendall Morse for his quick wit. One day someone wrote on my Facebook page: "Humble how can you confess to being so ignorant of American music makers!" Kendall Morse replied for me, and said, "... the key word is music."

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9. What do you know about Type A people who are very fussy? They can’t sleep at night if there is a book on a table instead of on the shelf where it belongs. I’m going to edit this a little bit, but a friend sent me an email that goes something like this: You know that if you ask a perfectionist if he is happy his immediate answer is yes. I asked him how do you know if you’re happy he said because I would feel bad if I wasn't. I said you tell me you feel bad all the time so how do you know. So I press him for an answer and he says give me a minute I need to put something back where it belongs.

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10. Back around 1960 I bought all of Aldous Huxley’s books, and, perhaps like you, read Huxley and Bertrand Russell instead of the work that had been assigned. It didn't do anything for my grades but it blessed me with a cynicism for which I will always be grateful.

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11. Someone wrote on my Facebook page: FB is a playpen, a little zoo, where we are allowed to play in exchange for sharing tons of personal information about ourselves to advertisers and data researchers and marketers. If humble wants his page to stay bright and happy, with an occasional banana thrown into the cage to rattle the monkeys for his own amusement, I think that is his prerogative. Of course we don't have to do everything the zookeeper says. + 12. Here's your humble tip for the day. Hopefully, it will enrich your life. Years ago some people carried knitting with them. It enabled them to do something productive while they were in an environment where the only option was to sit. Nowadays some people carry a small book when they have an appointment at some office where they might have to wait. That way, they are sure of having something that appeals to them and won't be stuck with Sports Illustrated or a hot rod magazine. Time spent in a doctor's waiting room is never wasted if one uses that time to brush up on Shakespeare or read the preface to any one of Shaw's plays. I have a friend who attributes his fantastic education to the fact that he was always sick.

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