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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for February 1, 2015.

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1. People who slide off the road and into a tree while on their way to the ski slopes might have ambivalent feelings about a wicked blizzard. But whenever I see a picture of a field covered with newly fallen snow, I remember what it was like to lie on my back out in the freezing cold and replace the rear end in a school bus. Snow is never a pretty sight. Anyone who has frozen their hands while trying to complete some project sees a snowy landscape through unique and experienced eyes.

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2. I’m pretty sure that it was our friend Etienne, the Camden jeweler, who sent me a lifetime subscription to the J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual. The J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual is no more than a catalog of very pricey exotic items. What makes it interesting is the description accompanying each item because instead of describing the item, it paints a picture of what you will be doing when you are wearing the $158 Lacy Flannel Skirt. Probably having tea with the Duke of Hastings or lugging off a sack of money you have just won from James Bond in the Casino Royale. If you are familiar with the Owner’s Manual, you know that it contains some very silly but psychologically very powerful writing. It is an intentional satire on itself and is obviously very successful. I showed this Owner’s Manual to some gifted high school students up Lewiston way and asked them to advertise a product with that kind of writing. This is what Olivia wrote.:

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3. While making two radio shows the other day, I was plagued with forgetfulness. To begin with, I forgot to push a certain button that makes the formants hop. And when I played Honeysuckle Rose, I thought it was Flat Foot Floogie. I couldn't figure out how the song could have gotten twisted around on the CD and puzzled over it while it was playing until my head seemed to get it right. Then, I couldn't remember how to convert the file from mp2 to mp3. I recently had to download a new program that did it, and I couldn't remember that I had that program or how to find it or even what it was. Could it have been just a bad day? We always heard stories about old men who couldn't remember if they were going to the store or coming home. I've looked up estero several times but keep forgetting what it means. I hope I have it this time. And today I was thinking of hubris. It is a word I read from time to time but can't remember what it means. Kids no longer study Latin or Greek. Too bad, because what you learn when you are young is likely to stick with you. I work on my Italian about every day, reading it and working the 50 tough words on flash cards, but don't seem to be gaining a gosh darn inch. Yesterday I rode my bicycle 11 miles while listening to my Dutch friend Boon read Agatha Christie in Dutch for the umpteenth time and, even though he goes pretty fast in some places, I have that pretty well down. So there is hope for my Dutch. But I'm concerned about not being able to remember simple things. What experience have you had with forgetting things? Could it happen to you?

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4. Here's your humble tip for the day. You heard me mention it a week or so ago but you might agree that it is worth repeating. Hopefully, it will enrich your life. Years ago some people carried knitting with them. It enabled them to do something productive while they were in an environment where the only option was to sit. Nowadays some people carry a small book when they have an appointment at some office where they might have to wait. That way, they are sure of having something that appeals to them and won't be stuck with Sports Illustrated or a hot rod magazine. Time spent in a doctor's waiting room is never wasted if one uses that time to brush up on Shakespeare or read the preface to any one of Shaw's plays. I have a friend who attributes his fantastic education to the fact that he was always sick.

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5. There once was a crook who stashed his cash in a cache. My Facebook friend Craig says, College is not a "cache." It is where you learn words like "cache.”

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6. In the beginning a young wife thinks her husband is God. Then she realizes she is dyslexic.

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7. A friend writes and says that she’d like to visit me and my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman. This is easy enough to do, as our address is on several dozen web pages along with our email and telephone number. Visitors are always welcome. If you want to be sure we are here, call 207-226-7442 and say you are coming. If we are not here we will not answer our phone. The other day the phone was out all day because I put a new $2 desk in my office and couldn’t get the wifi to work when I hooked it up again. If Marsha is lucky enough to have a cleaning job the day you want to come, you can either come another day or visit with me. I like visitors because visitors enable me to get things done that I might not otherwise do, like stack wood or organize the clutter in my office. Unlike many people who don't like being bothered by guests, I enjoy visitors because I am strong enough to entertain them and enjoy their company while engaging in some constructive project --- like stacking wood or organizing my office. --- Mindless chores that enable me to give my friends the 100 % attention that they want and deserve. Knowing that the last time they visited they spent four hours helping me pick up shingles I just tore off the barn gives friends the feeling that they are a welcome part of the family. Many can't wait to come back again.

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8. It is true that some writers welcome something to write about. I am one of them. Yes, some authors might get out a book without ever leaving the backyard. I saw one the other day titled, "38 Household Plants that Even You Can't Kill." But what would Marco Polo have amounted to had he sat around home? Mark Twain saw at least some of Europe and the Sandwich Islands. And we have read that it was on his honeymoon that Robert Lewis Stevenson wrote Travels With a Donkey. I’m not saying that it is true. I’m only saying that I once read it. Without some form of chaotic stimulus, a writer is nothing. So send me a note and tell me what you've been doing today. Thank you for writing.

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9. When playing with doggie, I find I can get him to drop the ball at my feet if I pretend to throw another ball. No matter how many times I do this, doggie falls for it every time. Which might indicate that doggie is no smarter than men who have been married four or five times.

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10. While putting off making this radio program, I exhausted about every possibility for continued procrastination. Until I realized I could play with the wifi all afternoon, trying to get it to work. After putting a new $2 desk in my office it entailed shutting down the equipment and hooking it up again. I wasted all one afternoon and the entire next day trying to get the wifi to work. I just plugged it in and it now works slick. A wifi is like an old man. If you don’t keep bugging it and leave it alone for a day it will eventually get around to doing whatever it is that needs to be done.

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11. What do you do with your Facebook page? For me, Facebook is a very useful tool. Facebook takes the place of many letters I got from you and my wonderful radio friends 30 years ago. People don’t buy stamps and mail letters anymore but a few send email and some write on Facebook. Craig, whom I think lives in Washington, DC, wrote this on my Facebook page. Craig says: Wouldn't it be wonderful to invent a new way to make money off procrastination or another human foible? I remember the time when I realized that my local video rental store was actually in the late fee business, and the tapes were only a means to achieve that business model. My family sustained it with hundreds of dollars of fees, but we didn't watch all that junk on TV. We rented that junk! I think all the foibles have all been taken, but perhaps we could open a nice padded gym area where people could jump to conclusions. --- Don’t you like that? A padded area where people could jump to conclusions.

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