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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for February 15, 2015.

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1. My wife Marsha wants me to get a 2014 IRS Instruction Manual because she has mastered the intricacies of income tax preparation. She wants the 2014 instruction manual, to make sure things haven’t changed since last year, and the manual is not available in our library or the post office. I can print off each instruction booklet she needs as they are on line. But can I be spared the expense of a horrendous amount of paper and ink by calling the IRS or emailing them and asking for the booklets we need? We have the Bed and Breakfast Business and the speaking/writing business so we have to fill out 6 or 8 separate forms. You and I know people who didn't even bother to file for 20 years. Should we go that route? When I'm 99 I shouldn't be looking at too much jail time and by then I should be too hard and dry to generate any interest in a federal prison.

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2. One winter night I dreamed that Uncle Ed’s barn was collapsing down at 176 South Main Street in Rockland. I had Model Ts inside and there was a cow in the cellar, too. A man can dream things like that when he is wondering if snow is piling up on his henhouse roof or if it is blowing off.

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3. Do you still dream you are going to school? I had my usual disorganized dream about forgetting to attend my college classes. I couldn't remember which classes I was taking and had forgotten to go to class. It was time to sign up for the next semester and I had forgotten to do that. I took black magic marker and wrote on the toes of my shoes, "Don't forget to go to class." Do you have dreams that you have over and over? If this is true, you can’t be a very creative person.

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4. They said it dropped to 16 below in South Thomaston one morning in February. I don't believe it. The coldest I can ever remember of seeing it at home in Wiley’s Corner was something like 12 below. Because we are right on the salt water it is colder in the summer and warmer in the winter than it is in Waldoboro, which is only 15 or so miles away but inland. That's why St. George has long been a mecca for the rich folks between Chadds Ford and Gloucester who come up summers to escape the heat. Jimmy Parker made a T-shirt that said, If you can’t stand the winters you don’t deserve the summers.

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5. I’m pretty sure that it was my friend Etienne, the Camden jeweler, who sent me a lifetime subscription to the J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual. The J. Peterman’s Owner’s Manual is no more than a catalog of very pricey exotic items. What makes it interesting is the description accompanying each item because instead of describing the item, it paints a picture of what you will be doing when you are wearing the $158 Lacy Flannel Skirt. Probably having tea with the Duke of Hastings or lugging off a sack of money you have just won from James Bond in the Casino Royale. If you are familiar with the Owner’s Manual, you know that it contains some very silly but psychologically very powerful writing. It is an intentional satire on itself and is obviously very successful. I showed this Owner’s Manual to some gifted high school students and asked them to advertise a product with that kind of writing. This is what Brooke wrote. Please listen closely:

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6. Do you remember when the governor of Oregon resigned because of alleged crimes committed by his beautiful young girlfriend? Does the perfect governor exist? If he’s not cheating on his wife or his income tax, he is enacting legislation that will make the poorest people in his state even poorer. Yes, have you even noticed that presidents and governors who are famous for not cheating on their wives are famous for giving to their rich friends money that they have taken from the poor? Anyway, twenty or so years ago this governor’s girlfriend allegedly did this and that for kickback money. When my friend Rich in Illinois retired from the National Restaurant Association, his hobby was going to trials of Illinois governors and Chicago politicians who are now in jail for stealing money in very unique and creative ways. They continually break new ground when it comes to stealing money in Chicago. I wrote to Rich and said, "Looks like Chicago has to take a back seat to Oregon this morning."

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7. Do you agree with one of my Facebook friends who says, "compassion seems to be going the way of the dodo bird." Do you think she could be one of the very few people who have never heard of compassionate conservatives? Doesn’t everyone know that Republicans are famous for their compassion? Compassion doesn't do poor people a lick of good, and compassion costs the rich folks who so generously distribute compassion in abundance absolutely nothing. Anyone who got past grade school knows that Republicans will pray for you. Democrats will give you a roof over your head, a shirt and a sandwich.

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8. The Common Ground Fair is just about my favorite event in Maine. In a memorable year I spoke with not dozens but hundreds of radio friends. My most unforgettable moment? I was talking with 6 or 8 friends when another couple showed up. Nice looking young girl around 25 – 30 and her friend. She looked at me and said, “Hot.” And of course being deaf I leaned toward her and said, “What.” And she said, “Hot. You are hot. I have listened to that sexy voice for years but I had no idea that you were such a…” and she licked her lips and kind of moaned and squirmed with her entire body. And I said, “What do you do?” And the fellow with her said, “She doesn’t have a job yet. They just let her out yesterday.”

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9. I was telling my friend Dan about the Common Ground Fair which is held every September in Unity, Maine. For three days there is more IQ on those few acres of ground than you’ll find on any comparable space this side of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Everyone enjoys watching the little dogs that herd the sheep. Dan said, “Ugh. Don’t ever get a border collie.” He said that he was once with a bunch of dog walkers out in the woods and without anyone noticing what had happened the border collies had herded all their owners together. They were all so close they were touching --- shoulder to shoulder and chest to chest. I hope you lonely young people in big cities are listening.

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10. All I know about this is what I heard, and it seems as someone got blind drunk and then staggered off, bare butt naked, and tried to start a fire on the floor of a nearby woodshed --- not too terribly far from the grout pile in Wildcat. Upon hearing this I quickly whipped out the little notebook you’ve seen me carry on my right pant leg. I wrote down the following salient points. Please listen closely. The property owner heard the commotion outside and dialed 911. By this time, the drunk’s friends had found him and put out the fire. Meanwhile the drunk had run off into the woods, still bare butt naked. Later, a fireman reported seeing him out on the main road so the property owner once again called 911, this time to alert the sheriff. And what do you think the dispatcher said when she was told that a naked man was staggering down the road? “Can you give me a description?” +

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