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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for March 8, 2015.

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1. This morning when I stepped out of the shower I happened to look up at the mirror on the wall. I saw a homely, stoop shouldered man. Do you know how good it feels to look in a mirror and realize that in 60 years you haven't changed a bit?

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2. One morning when I stepped out of the shower I happened to look up at the mirror on the wall. I saw a homely, stoop shouldered man. Do you know how good it feels to look in a mirror and realize that in 60 years you haven't changed a bit? I'm reminded that this is the kind of self-deprecating humor that Windham Hill's Will Ackerman didn't like when he came to see me do a show in Rockport. On the other hand, Larry Wilde introduced me at an international humor conference in Arizona. I had been asked to stand in for Dr. Lawrence Peter, who got sick and didn't show at the last minute. Larry Wilde has published 60 or so joke books. Larry Wilde told me that for the first five minutes on stage, you stand there and make fun of yourself. So go figure. Two very successful people telling me two different ways to succeed. If I had to make a decision on which method to use, I'd make fun of myself --- I'd have so much more material.

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3. I didn’t start to learn French until I was around 65 years old and at present I can read French on perhaps a sixth grade level. In other words, I can read, with a startling amount of comprehension, Harlequin Romances and the French subtitles we get on three television channels. Of course I can’t understand spoken French --- unless it is on a tape or CD or, even easier, an American speaking French. Because no one who isn’t French can understand a French person speaking French. But --- I started to learn French after accidentally getting off a train in a small town in France, being trapped there overnight, and almost starving to death. Right then, when I came home, I started to learn French. Knowing what a cheerful, friendly person I am, it might surprise you to hear that I was studying French just to be spiteful. I was learning to speak French just to be nasty. I was resolved to learn some French just so --- the next time I was in France --- the French would have to listen to me talk French with a Maine accent.

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4. My friend Winky went to business college where he flunked accounting and bookkeeping. But somehow he got through school and showed up at his 15th reunion in his private jet. Of course, his old friends wanted to know how he made so much money, and he said, "I've got a little factory where I make can openers that only cost me a dollar to make, but I sell them for ten dollars. And you can't fail when you've got a business that brings you a steady nine percent profit.”

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5. My friend Winky has two sons. One became a doctor and one became a lawyer. You can believe that when Winky got hit by a car it just about tore the family apart. His doctor son wanted to cure him, but his son who's a lawyer wanted him to walk around with two crutches so he could sue for damages.

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6. The last time my friend Winky went in for a physical the doctor asked him to hold his hands out in front of him. And Winky’s hands were shaking like a leaf in a northeast gale. And the doctor said, "My word, Winky, how much do you drink?" And Winky said, "Not much. I spill most of it."

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7. One evening when Winky was reading the newspaper he said to his wife, "Here's a man up in Rangeley who was shot for a moose." And Winky's wife said, "Any man who can be mistaken for a moose is better off dead."

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8. This morning when I stepped out of the shower I happened to look up at the mirror on the wall. I saw a homely, stoopshouldered man. Do you know how good it feels to look in a mirror and realize that in 60 years you haven't changed a bit? Did you hear about the frugal equestrian who didn't change a bit in 60 years?

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9. Dear Humble, We used to listen to your radio broadcasts when visiting Boothbay Harbor for many years, and thoroughly enjoyed them! Is there any chance that you put them on a DVD? We would love to hear some of them again. No one does jazz the way the Humble Farmer does! Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Pat and Marv

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10. Do you get excited when daylight saving time starts and you can set your clock ahead? I love daylight saving time as it will give my solar collectors an extra hour of sunlight which means more KWH credit hours in the bank for me.

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