Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for October 11, 2015.

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1. Just in case you missed reading this in your newspaper, you should know that a man who lives in Friendship, Maine, who was trying to chop down the door to his ex wife’s house with an axe, well, he cut himself and had to have 20 stitches taken. Although he was unavailable for comment, his ex-wife said, “He never could do nothing right.”

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2. One morning I was in a building and the sound system was playing a song, “I’m going to yump dumpy dumpy deedle all night long.” I’m deaf so the only words I heard were, “I’m going to yump dumpy dumpy deedle all night long.” Hearing these lyrics, you might well ask why there are so many songs written for children and so few songs written for old folks. Because even though I couldn’t understand all of the words to this song, I do know that the only thing a 79-year-old man wants to yump dumpy dumpy deedle do all night long --- is sleep.

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3. You’ve heard me say that I haven’t been able to go to the movies for years. 25 or so years ago I went to the movies with Julian and his wife Peggy and every time some character would say something important, they’d bring up that background music so neither Julian nor I could hear what was said. We’d both ask Peggy and she’d repeat it first on one side and then on the other, and I’d very likely laugh and look up just in time to see someone being strangled. Why do they put that background music in movies so you can’t hear what people are saying? Now you might have noticed that some producers are putting background music behind the stories they tell on the radio. If I want to hear people telling a story that I can’t understand because of the music in the background, I’ll listen to La Bohème.

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4. Years and years ago a most unpleasant man moved up here from New York City. After putting up with his foolishness for two or three years, one of the local boys thought he'd encourage this guy to move back to New York. So late one night this kid came up behind the man as he got out of his car, stuck a gun in his ribs, and robbed him of three dollars and fourteen cents. The next day that man moved back to New York. We were all glad to see him go, but not one of us was pleased with the way the kid had gone about it. And the next time I saw him I chewed him out for scaring the man to death. He said, "Scared? Don't you know nothing about city people? They aren't afraid of holdup men. When that New York man felt my gun in his ribs, he got just plain homesick."

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5. The Common Ground Fair is just about my favorite event in Maine. One year I spoke with not dozens but hundreds of radio friends. My most unforgettable moment? I was talking with 6 or 8 friends when another couple showed up. Nice looking young girl around 25 – 30 and her friend. She looked at me and said, “Hot.” And of course being deaf I leaned toward her and said, “What.” And she said, “Hot. You are hot. I have listened to that sexy voice for years but I had no idea that you were such a…” and she licked her lips and kind of moaned and squirmed with her entire body. And I said, “What do you do?” And the fellow with her said, “She doesn’t have a job yet. They just let her out yesterday.”

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6. I was telling my friend Dan about the Common Ground Fair which is held every September in Unity, Maine. For three days there is more IQ on those few acres of ground than you’ll find on any comparable space this side of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Everyone enjoys watching the little dogs that herd the sheep. They give a demonstration of sheep hering. Dan said, “Ugh. Don’t ever get a border collie.” He said that he was once with a bunch of dog walkers out in the woods and without noticing what had happened the border collies had herded all their owners together. They were all so close they were touching --- shoulder to shoulder and chest to chest. I hope you lonely young people in big cities are listening.

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7. All I know about this is what I heard, and it seems as someone got blind drunk and then staggered off, bare butt naked, and tried to start a fire on the floor of a nearby woodshed. Upon hearing this I quickly whipped out the little notebook you’ve seen me carry on my right pant leg. I wrote down the following salient points. Please listen closely. The property owner heard the commotion outside and dialed 911. By this time, the drunk’s friends had found him and put out the fire. Meanwhile the drunk had run off into the woods, still bare butt naked. Later, a fireman reported seeing him out on the main road so the property owner once again called 911, this time to alert the sheriff. And what do you think the dispatcher said when she was told that a naked man was staggering down the road? “Can you give me a description?”

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8. Even if you think you know everything there is to know about any given topic, it doesn't hurt to Google and find out if you are, indeed, up with the latest techniques that will enable you to catch the mice that are eager to move in close to your buildings in October.

Mouse Trap Bait Ideas:

bacon

bird seed

oats

butter

chocolate

pet foods

marshmallows

candy

raisins

I'm going to put peanut butter on the trigger with a pumpkin seed in it and three drops of Log Cabin maple syrup on top of that. According to some of my friends who eat only organic foods, two drops of corn syrup off the shelf of your local store will do a mouse in.

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9. Do you read everything people post on your Facebook page? There are some people I don't even read on my own Facebook page. Only a man who could go without ice cream for 9 years, as I did, is capable of such mental control. Can you ignore some of the things people post on your Facebook page? Or do you feel compelled to read nonsense? I claim to be the only person you know capable of not reading the posts some people put on my Facebook page. I hope someone will correct me if I'm wrong. I’m t h f at gmail dot com.

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10. Here’s a letter in response to Mike Crow’s article in Fishermen’s Voice on The humble Farmer radio program. Dear Humble, What an excellent story Mike wrote. I will remind you again that your program was so refreshing for me, so thought provoking, and indeed a comfort when I found myself widowed. I laughed, cried, danced to your music, and of course thoroughly enjoyed the clever … commentary. Thanks for sending this wonderful story about you, and the real Maine. From Allie And then this letter. You might remember that a while back we talked about the good old days when one would take a high school sweetheart down to the dump on Sunday afternoons to shoot rats. Radio Friend Soni writes, “My old roomate moved when he was 15. He was unpacking and his neighbour, Tom Best - AKA Besty, came over to introduce himself. The first words out of his mouth were, "Hi, I'm Besty. Ya wanna hunt rats?" Thanks for that, Soni. Isn’t it nice to think back to the days before the Internet and cell phones when young people were responsible for their own cultural enrichment?

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11. Old habits die hard. Even though I have inherited three grandchildren, you have heard me say many times that I could never afford to have children myself. So --- I still have some pre-grandchildren baggage and we are going to talk about that now. For some reason that I have never been able to understand, an awful lot of people think that their ability to create another human being is something to brag about. Would not a single man sooner boast that he had somehow lived over 50 years without contributing to what might be the greatest problem on our planet today, which is increasing the population? As you know, I’m not arguing a point, but am simply outlining some common social parameters. So --- your friends who have created another unique human being meet you on the street. You are supposed acknowledge the presence of this new person, who might be anywhere from 5 days to 5 years old. I can’t do it. As far as I am concerned, an entity unable to verbally articulate its sentiments does not exist, which might explain why I don’t talk radio. You might recall hearing me tell how a new mother was so distressed over my inability to see her new child, that she threw the child in the air two or three times, right in front of my face, just to get my attention. For years afterward I boasted that I saved that child’s life by acknowledging its existence before she dropped it. Anyway --- you do not say anything about their child when you meet them in a store or on the street. That’s when they bring the child into your home and that’s when they’ve got me. Because --- if you don’t say some very nice things about their child the minute they come in the door, they unleash it.

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