Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for October 18, 2015.

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1. I can't even read the posts on my own Facebook page. So many new lexical items have cropped up in our language that nowadays much of what people say and write is incomprehensible to an old man. Examples: POTUS, glam squad, OTOH. The English language has scrambled away from me and there is no way I can catch up with it. I'm no longer going to bother to look up these things and post them on Facebook or talk about them on this show so you will know what they mean, too. We've taken on so much water there is no sense in manning the pumps. We're sinking.

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2. How do you open a pressure cooker lid that won't open? If you Google, you’ll read much about building up pressure or releasing pressure. But that was not my problem. Before even turning to Google, you could save a lot of time by simply putting on your glasses and looking at what it is you're dealing with. When you put on your glasses and look, you can see a little flat piece of metal that has dropped into a hole that is keeping the cover from opening. This little flat piece of metal in the cover that drops down into the lower part of the pressure cooker keeps the cover from swiveling. In some manner it is attached to a round piece of metal inside the cooker that has a rubber gasket around it. When the cover won't swivel open, you take a knife point and gently lift, or push aside, that square piece of metal out of the slot in the base of the pressure cooker. It requires no pounding or heroic measures. Perhaps the most useful tool in any handyman's home is his reading glasses.

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3. Do you ever think of something that you'd wish you'd said --- when it is too late to say it? Last week Donna, the anesthesiologist, asked me if I could read and write. What a great opportunity I missed when I didn’t confess that I can read French and Dutch and Swedish rather well. I have no trouble reading stories in Norwegian and Danish. Italian and German? I always amaze myself when I read Italian and German and understand what I'm reading, because although I've spent a good deal of time studying those languages my ability to remember anything is very bad. I do have a struggle reading Spanish, even though I can say quite a few things in Spanish. I don't know why Spanish should be so tough to read. You can't go into a store in America today but what you see signs in Spanish on the wall. My favorite Spanish sign is the one that translates into English as, "Don't slip on the wet floor." That is a sign you wish you’d read carefully when it is too late to read it.

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4. My friend Richard in Brazil says, "Now as a sign of non-progress I offer the fact that you feel a need to include the street in your address. In the past Robert Skoglund, St George, Maine was enough. Best, Richard" This is true. This summer I dug out of my files a January 1950 Donald Duck comic book that was addressed to Robert Skoglund, St George, Maine. So far have we progressed in 65 years. Was it John Gould who posted two letters to a friend in the next town? He had one delivered by the post office and one he had delivered by ox cart. The ox cart delivered the letter before the post office. Use to was a letter mailed from here could be delivered in Rockland the same day. Now, I think they have to go to Portland first to be sorted.

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5. Radio friend Joey Brunelle writes: humble - I was just listening to your latest podcast. You mentioned how some people get snappy when they're hungry. Well, we've made a word for this: "hangry." Have you ever invented a word that would better describe a given situation? I’m t h f at gmail dot com.

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6. Here’s a letter from a radio friend in Portland, who writes: “I've been having fun with a proposal that has been put forward to allow people in Portland to have up to six hens---no roosters--at their homes, having to abide by some basic regulations, of course. I put up some posts saying that with the volume of chickens expected, they certainly were going to demand some basic rights---"No egg laying without representation", and their own At Large Councilperson, which I found odd since they would have to live in pens and not be "at-large". I foresee demand for conjugal visits with roosters, access to public transportation and the necessary changes to accommodate their needs, "Hendicapped" parking spaces, Clucking as a Second Language to be taught in our schools, all of this with help from PETA and the MCLU. This will, of course, open the floodgates for other animals to demand rights long denied to them, and who knows where it will lead.” Thank you for that. Remember that no matter how innocuous your comments, I’d like to hear from you. I’m t h f at g mail dot com.

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7. If you have any sense of decency, you probably should not listen to what I’m about to say because it will offend you. You have heard me say many times that my hobby is learning how to read languages. K lastimme --- esta mala el tocadiscos. Mitta Kulu. Pos to lase afton elenica. Mano tevas yra vilkus. Va ska du gora idag? If you can think of any hobby that costs less to pursue, yet constantly invigorates whatever you are fortunate enough to have for a mind, please let me know what it is. Years of research has taught me that the ideal language learning vehicle is the Harlequin Romance. This is because you can get the same story in 5 or 6 languages, and the language is at the level of what you would find in an elementary school reading book. What you do is memorize the story by reading it constantly in Dutch or French for several years, and then it is easy to figure out in German or Italian. Do you remember my saying that if you write to 10 or 12 women who write Harlequin Romances and ask, many of them will send you one of their stories in 4 or 5 languages? Yes. They will. Sometimes they permit you to pay. Sometimes they simply give you these odd copies. Ann Eames, who has sent me many books, has done so well writing that she is now working as a nurse in Africa. Besides reading, over the years I’ve also listened to half a dozen languages in my car or in the shop or on my bicycle. Because I have not yet moved up to the little ipod thing that fits in the pocket, I tie a nail apron around my neck and put my cd player in that. You know that those cd players look like flying saucers and are about the size of a whoopie pie so they just fit in one side of a nail apron. Anyway, if you know two or three languages or have lived in two or three countries, you know that there are cultural distinctions that are reflected in each language. I'm going to repeat that: there are cultural distinctions that are reflected in each language. This was recently brought to my attention again while listening to a conversation in Italian. Listen and repeat. Ascolti an repeata: A man knocks on a hotel room door to keep a business appointment with a woman. Before getting down to business they have a drink and exchange a bit of information about their families and home towns. There is another knock at the door. And here is the interesting part. If you are studying one language, it translates into English as, “That must be my husband with the plans.” In another language the woman says, “Oh my --- it’s my husband” In a third language, the woman simply says, “Oh goodie, now my husband is here, too.”

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8. I'm going to stop letting my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, cut my hair. One recent morning Marsha cut my hair. It was perfectly even in the back. It was beautifully groomed on the sides. I looked like a manikin. It was all I could do to keep from grabbing a polished leather briefcase and rushing up to the state house in Augusta where I could stand and lie before some Senate committee.

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9. You and I have friends who take everything literally. There is a name for this idiosyncrasy and because you know what it is I’m not going to repeat it. It has been my fortune to speak to many groups of people and in my travels I have spoken to the Maine Medical Marijuana Association twice. And one day, two years ago, when my back pain kept me from sleeping at night I said to myself, “Enough of this, I’m going to call my friends and try some magic juice.” So I got some marijuana juice in a jar and I mixed it with honey and water and when I drank it the pain went away. And after a week or two, my back got better and I didn’t need the juice any more. While babbling about this on Facebook, one of my friends wrote: "Please protect your source by not discussing it on FB. Because you don't have a recommendation, both you and your source could be in serious trouble." Well, good advice you say? I say phooey to that. I'm going to tell you where I get my medical marijuana. I'm going to give you the name, address and telephone number of the person who gives it to me. I drive up to Augusta where I meet K... bang. Sound of body hitting floor.

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10. Do you like yogurt? Some people will tell you that yogurt has some kind of good bacteria in it that your stomach likes. I always claimed that there was no way I could eat yogurt, in spite of its highly-touted beneficent medicinal properties. But, I have learned that yogurt is very good --- if you mix it with real Vermont maple syrup.. At about 30% syrup to 70% yogurt, yogurt tastes very good, indeed. I recommend yogurt to all my friends.

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