Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for November 22, 2015.

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We all have friends who march to a different drummer. They can’t wait to chip ice from their doorsteps. We are talking here about Maine poets who hope trees will drop on power lines so they can sit by their woodstoves, sip herbal tea and read by candlelight for three days. Most poets probably dislike reading by candlelight next to a woodstove. It is even more likely that Maine poets are revolted by the nasty taste of herbal tea. If you stop and think about it, you have never seen a Maine poet out in the dooryard on a January morning, freezing fingers while changing the oil in a ’91 Nissan pickup. These affluent reclusive poets will tell you that they revel in the tranquil beauty of what you would call a nasty Maine winter. They endure this ritual of being snowbound for the sake of two pages of blank verse and the opportunity to bore you to tears by bragging about it later.

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2. Most Maine artists are in the same bag as Maine poets. Maine artists love winter. Within a period of two years, two artists --- who live right here in St. George, Maine --- designed White House Christmas cards for our President. If a Vesuvius were to erupt on Monhegan today, Maine artists (unfamiliar with Pliny the Elder) would rush out there, palettes in hand, hoping to turn misery to advantage. So your plow man and your basic Maine artist can’t wait for the first miserable flake of snow to fall.

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3. We are talking here about people who love Maine winters. Your friendly oil dealer loves our bitter cold Maine winters. He relishes every uninsulated wall in your 200-year-old house. When he thinks of the icy wind that blows in through the cracks around your windows he smiles, leans back in his leather chair and pours himself another glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. Artists, poets, oil dealers, people who plow your driveway: Every one of these people who profit from your anguish and suffering will tell you that Maine winters really aren’t bad: you just happen to be in the wrong business.

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4. We are talking about the suffering endured by many of us when snowflakes fall. And the fact that the bigger the storm, the more some of our neighbors profit. That said, did you know that this very minute there are a handful of dedicated volunteers in Maine who are working to lower your energy bills? Their organization is called Window Dressers, they make a low-cost, high-quality, reusable interior storm window, and you can learn more about them on line than you will from me right now. Indeed, the less I say about Window Dressers, perhaps the better off they will be. I’ve been volunteering there for a couple of months and when I mentioned my intention to publish my observations, someone cried out, “Please don’t. Some people might believe it.” You can read on line how the gentleman who started Window Dressers was moved to action one day when he was in church. He felt a cold draft on his neck and realized that his discomfort came from the cracks around a nearby window. Faced with plugging the leak in the window or giving up Sunday service, the salvation of his soul triumphed and he built interior reusable storm windows. Parishioners saw them, pronounced them good, and wanted some of their own. A non-profit business was born. My neighbor, Barbara, invited me in to the Rockland plant where she quickly forced a roll of sticky tape in my hand. I was surprised that I could stand in one spot for three hours and put sticky tape on the edge of a wooden frame that was to become a “low-cost, high-quality, reusable interior storm window.” Because I have difficulty finishing any project I start, helping out at Window Dressers is the ideal job for me. I can quit any time and someone else will finish it. One out of every four windows made is donated to a low-income family lucky enough to live in an old house. Hopefully, what you have just learned has piqued your interest to the point that you will visit one of the Window Dressers plants. You will be glad you found out for yourself what this inside-storm-window business is all about. Were you to critically evaluate the state-wide efficacy of the program, however, you would be faced with a very thorny question: If Window Dressers is really and truly helping many of Maine’s neediest families, why hasn't our governor tried to shut it down?

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5. Every time you turn on the TV, there's a report of how terribly cold it is and it shows people who look like they're freezing to death walking down the street. But no matter how cold it gets, you only see one or two men wearing hats that cover their ears. That's because men of average intelligence are controlled by a thing called fashion. It's a habit that became so ingrained when they were little boys that they never outgrow it. Your average man would freeze his ears off before he'd wear a hat and risk comments or surprised looks from his friends. The only men you will see wearing hats that cover their ears in cold weather are those with IQs above 125 or below 75. Because if your IQ is below 75 or above 125 you don't notice what other men are wearing anyway, and you simply dress in a manner that makes your body comfortable. Do me a favor and notice the average fellows with the cold ears and chuckle to yourself the next time you see one in town.

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6. My cousin Truman Hilt tells me that there are so many people named Jimmy Smith that they even have a Jimmy Smith convention down in Virginia or North Carolina. Hundreds of people show up. You know, that could be awful confusing, unless everyone wore a name tag.

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7. You might remember that a while back I asked you to send me an unbelievable lie that I could use on this program. The winner of the Big Lie contest is a man in Camden, Maine who asks that I do not mention his name. He writes, "Last week I ate one of those fast food hamburgers. There was so much cholesterol in it that I no longer have any feeling in my hands."

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8. When you're being considered for jury duty, you're asked if you have any opinions on the matter at hand. If you say, "Yes," the law says they can't use you. They only want people who have no opinions --- no preconceived notions. What kind of person can have lived 70 or even only 60 years without having any opinions? And how do you select a jury from the few who claim to have none? If a nice looking young man is accused, do you want nice looking young women on the jury? Would unattractive women automatically dislike him, knowing that he would never give them a second glance on the street? Would plain looking young men be jealous? Would sweet old grandmothers want to cover him with a protective wing? If you are a man who has been selected for jury duty here on the coast of Maine, here's one bit of advice if you really want to fit in. The only two men in the courtroom wearing a tie will be the accused and his attorney.

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9. You will not be surprised to hear that handguns predominate in firearms crime. More than three-quarters of the 83,000 guns used in crime that were traced for law enforcement agencies in one year were handguns. Of course crooks commit crimes with handguns. Have you ever tried to walk into a bank with a shotgun in your pants?

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