Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for November 29, 2015.

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1. One of the most memorable lines in 200 years of Maine literature is a quote from the old bachelor lobster catcher Perse Seine, who was once asked why he was building a skiff in his kitchen. You will remember that in true Maine fashion, he answered the question with a question and said, “Well, what’s a kitchen for?” This came to mind when my wife dragged home a small table that someone gave her. Within a day the table was covered with clutter and looked like every other square inch of flat surface in the house. When I asked her about it, she said, “Well, what’s a table for?”

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2. There were 21 turkeys on my back lawn one morning. I suspect that it was two flocks together. At least it was two mothers and their 19 grown children. I think. Would you dare say that there were two flocks of turkeys on your back lawn? Someone is sure to say that turkeys come in rafters instead of flocks. And then someone else would say that they are only called a rafter of turkeys if they are domesticated turkeys. A group of wild turkeys are called a flock. And now a question for you. When I mentioned turkeys on my back lawn running wild, eating bugs and whatever else it is that turkeys eat, what was your first impression? Did you think how nice it would be to have one of those turkeys roasting in your oven? Or did you just give thanks that you don’t live in a zoo.

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3. Here’s a silly story that came by email. In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors. Some members of the clergy even thought it had something to do with the supernatural, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate. The next Sunday morning, just before 11:00, they stood outside the ward to witness this terrible thing for themselves. Several clutched small wooden crosses, prayer books, or a rabbit’s foot to ward off evil. Just when the clock struck 11:00 the janitor walked in and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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4. Does one know when one is getting senile? Do you think that a change in long-established habits indicates that one could be losing the ability to think rationally? If this is true, your friend humble might have slipped over the edge between one and four the other morning. I was unable to sleep so I strapped my little light to my forehead that enables me to see to read in bed at night and picked up a book that I had never read before. And for the first time that I can remember, I read the first two chapters in a detective novel (about De Cock, met CeeOoCeeKaa) without first reading the last chapter in the book to find out who done it.

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5. Have you ever made a study of the silly names of country and western songs? How Can I Forget You When You won’t Go Away? I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. You’ve heard all of them, but here’s a new one I heard an 80-year-old man singing to his new 65-year-old bride: You Broke Me Down When I Broke You In.

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6. You’ve heard of a lot of different kinds of envy. This kind of envy. That kind of envy. But have you ever heard of systems envy? My electrician friend Mike says that systems envy is what you get when your next door neighbor puts up more solar panels in his yard than you have in your yard. You’re in for a lot of ragging when your wife comes in and says that the next door neighbors have so many solar panels in their yard that they can now use electric heat. “I don’t see why we can’t have just 8 more panels, dear. They’d pay for themselves in only 5 years and then we could run that electric heater in the cellar.”

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7. Why is it that it is not until there is two feet of snow on the ground in December, that you look in your little notebook of things to do and discover that you are supposed to burn your blueberry field after the first frost in October?

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8. Is it your understanding that before you buy a used car, you can examine information that tells you about the idiosyncrasies of that particular vehicle? How far has it gone? How many times has it been submerged in a canal? How much bondo is in the rear fenders? Some people know all there is to know about buying a used car because they might trade every three to five years, and there is no way they would ever get conned into buying a used car without having it examined by reading all the documents and then even having it given a test drive by a mechanic that they know and trust. And yet an incredible number of people get themselves entangled in a marriage that might last less time than it takes to put 25,000 miles on a car. Why do people enter into a marriage that any of their friends can plainly see is going to crash? They wouldn’t buy a car with short circuits behind the dashboard, no matter how shiny the exterior finish. There are some things I do not understand and this is one of them. Can you explain it to me?

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9. How can you tell when a political cartoonist is on the money? Answer: You won’t see him in most of the newspapers and magazines in the United States. Mike Peters’ cartoons are so accurate and clever that you no longer see Mike Peters’ cartoons in Newsweek or Time like you used to because --- they are a powerful indictment against many of the unfortunate things that are happening in the world today. There was a time when the only reason you’d buy a Newsweek or Time would be to see the one or two cartoons Mike Peters would have on their best cartoons of the week page. No more. So from time to time I go to his web page and go through a year or so of Mike Peters’ cartoons and print off the two I like best and put them on my refrigerator door or on the wall in my office. Don’t ever expect to see Mike Peters published in your local newspaper. He’s too good.

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10. From time to time, Maine lobstermen who feel they are being crowded, cut off the offender’s traps. Like any war, this escalates until the ocean floor is littered with thousands of dollars worth of lobster traps and people start pointing guns at each other. Sometimes they attempt to ram the other fellow’s boat or shoot at him. It can get very ugly. Here’s a comment someone posted on a blog about a recent lobster war: "Arson, cutting traps, stealing from traps, sinking boats, attempted murder, must be a fortune out there in Lobsters to commit these types of crimes." Is this not an astute observation? How many people have you heard of who shot at each other for the right to mow some rich man’s lawn? + 11. One morning my computer shut down It said that it was full. It only has a one terabyte drive in it and I had filled it. This can happen if you make television programs on your computer and neglect to delete old files. So for the past two days or so I've been weeding out unneeded video clips. Tonight we've been invited over to Mikey's house for supper. Most of the people there probably own huge buses. They call them motor coaches. Mikey, like my friend The Boy, has a house as well as a huge bus and a lot in that RiverBend Motor Coach Resort. Many times I've gone to events where the oldest person and the youngest person and the person who traveled the most miles to get there get some kind of token present. Marsha and I will probably be the only people there this afternoon who arrived in a car with more than 245,000 miles on it. Shouldn't that at least be worth a round of applause? Or at least raise the question: Who invited THEM? + 12. City people don’t think like we do out here on the farm. I just heard an excellent radio piece on urban agriculture the Catalina Island Conservancy produced for city people. It tells how to compost doggie do. The title to the doggie do piece reminds me of a bit of wisdom Zach says he heard me pass along on my radio program many years ago. --- What’s the shortest sentence in the English language? “I am.” What’s the longest sentence in the English language? “I do.” If saying do once gets you into trouble, can it also suggest what you might be stepping in if you get married twice? Anyway, here on the coast of Maine, where we enjoy rural agriculture, any organic rhubarb farmer knows that when it comes to enriching the soil even the most robust Saint Bernard would be no replacement for his young Angus bull. And after three years of faithful service, you wouldn't want to eat your dog.

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