Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for January 3, 2016

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1. When my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, paused by my office doorway one morning, I looked up and said, "I just realized that all of my friends are either smarter or richer than I am." Marsha said, "Most of them are both."

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2. Thank you for this email that says: "The next Death Cafe Damariscotta will be at Savory Maine from 9-10:30 am Monday. All Death Cafes are free of charge. Donations are welcome to cover the cost of beverages and cake. "At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death." Will you please give this some thought? Anyone who could speak with any amount of authority on the topic isn't able to attend.

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3. Somebody told me a story about a man who came home and collapsed in the middle of the kitchen. When his wife asked him what he had to say for himself, he raised himself up on one elbow and said, “I don’t have any prepared remarks but I’m willing to take questions from the floor.”

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4. The last time I was in a Boston hospital, I noticed that they still give visiting patients a paper form and a clip board. And you sit there and fill out the paper --- which they probably retype into their computer. If you think about it, you will remember that up until a recent date the paper you filled out to describe your automobile for your Maine state registration had a little box on it that said: Check the kind of tires on your car: Hard Rubber or Pneumatic. In 1953 I had some hard rubber tires on a Model T truck, and they were probably 30 or 40 years old then. So although we probably stopped having hard rubber tires on our Maine trucks in the 1920s, I think it was still on the Maine state auto registration form up until fairly recently --- the 1970s or 1980s. Why do useless, anachronistic customs hang on and hang on? Why doesn’t somebody say, “Look, here’s an easier, quicker way to do this.” When you come into a hospital, why don’t they give you a small laptop computer, or why don’t they have keyboards and screens at little desks in the waiting room so you can easily and quickly fill out the form. Then, while you’re sitting there filling out the forms, you don’t have to have your attention diverted by thinking about hard rubber tires.

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5. What do you see when you wander about in Facebook land? Many people post lists of things to do, or "how to be a complete" person. I just saw a list of 10 things that started out with: 1. If it feels wrong, don't do it. 2. Say exactly what you mean. Number two stopped me dead in my tracks. Think about this. How long do you suppose you would have been able to hold a job if you went about telling people what was on your mind? I think the reason my cows get along so well can be attributed to the fact that they can't tell each other what they are thinking.

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6. Perhaps I spoke too soon when I suggested that patients in a doctor’s waiting room should get to type their information instead of writing it on a sheet of paper. I would have no idea of how to operate the ipad machine that some hospitals or organizations have at the front desk. You know what I’m talking about here. It’s that little flat computer that’s about as big as the license plate on your car. I find it next to impossible to type on anything but a "real" keyboard. Technology is moving too fast for me. I am way behind. Did you see that pundits believe that Facebook might be how elections are lost and won in 2016? This Twitter thing must also be a powerful tool. I should find out why Twitter is so powerful and exactly how it works and what it does. Do you use Twitter? Do you Twit?

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7. Comments on Carl Jefferson

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8. Have you ever wondered what would have happened in 1863 if Mexico had intervened in our Civil War and sent in air strikes against Atlanta or Washington? Isn’t there a good chance that Lee and Grant would have joined forces and gone after Mexico?

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9. You might have seen that best selling author who made the evening news because he had lied to the American people on national television. This was news because he was an author.

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10. Shed no tears for me when I tell you that I could never afford to have children. Marsha’s oldest granddaughter visited us for a weekend so I was able to realize the same grandchild benefits at a fraction of the cost. And, for the first time in my life I was able to aid in the development of a young, receptive mind. Take, for example, teaching a little one to name the body parts on a stuffed moose. This is the --- nose. This is the --- mouth. These are the ---- eyes. This is an ---- ant-ler. So this other one must be an --- uncle-er. And then there is the mess generated by water colors and play dough. Do you know what you do when you’ve outgrown play dough? You’ll read Aristotle and Thomas Aquinas.

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