Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for January 17, 2016

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1. There are days when my knees bother me. When I try to get up, my legs alone aren’t strong enough to lift my 140 pounds out of a chair. I have to use my hands and arms to help me get to my feet. I have to laugh when I think about this and, although you might not understand what I’m saying, I’ve got some advice for you young folks. Having trick knees and a flat tummy when you’re over 80 is the price you will pay for not drinking beer and smoking cigarettes with your friends when you were 20.

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2. Ok women. If you are equal to men why don’t you prove it to me sometime? Yes I have an example of exactly what I mean. I used to go to exercise class three times a week. There was a scale in the corner. It is one of those scales where you slide a weight along a bar to the 150 pound notch and then adjust the other sliding weight up to 20 pounds which gives you your weight of 170 pounds. When men have ascertained their weight, they step off the scale and leave. Before women step off the scale, they move the sliding weights back to zero.

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3. You know that a man is known by the clothes he wears. My beautiful young trophy wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman treated me to a crabmeat roll at Dougie's seafood to celebrate my 80th birthday. You can understand that I was in somewhat of a quandary about what to wear. My wardrobe is rather extensive so the selection process was a lengthy one. I went with a blue shirt and blue tie. The jacket I bought at a lawnsale last year for $2.50 doesn't fit me as well as it did because it has gotten quite a bit bigger and there is quite a bit of slack in the shoulders area and around the waist. How I was going to get in and out of Dougie’s Seafood was what concerned me. But, you know, after I was seated I was wearing a bib, so no one saw what I was wearing anyway.

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4. "President Obama says he’s “not superstitious” I am. Do I believe that I’ll have bad luck if a black cat crosses my path? Not really, but I’d go a great distance out of my way to avoid it. Am I extra careful on my birthday and certain holidays? Yes. Does it hurt to be extra careful every day of the year? No. Is it dangerous to light three cigarettes with one match? You are taking your life in your hands if you light a cigarette with anything. ? Do you capture someone’s soul when you take their picture? When you hear some women scream and run when you pull out a camera you would think so. Do I believe that if a rocking chair is rocking with nobody in it that somebody will die? Not really, but why take unnecessary chances?

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5. For my 80th birthday present, my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, a scrubbed-out plastic peanut butter jar to put screws in out in the barn. True love is not measured by dollars and cents but knowing what the other person wants and needs.

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6. Ten or so years ago when I was flying home from a speaking engagement, the woman next to me in the airplane pulled out a salad. Wouldn’t that have surprised you? Don’t most people smuggle aboard some little sweet or goodie to eat instead of a salad? I couldn’t contain my amazement and I complimented her on her healthy choice. Don’t you agree that too many people don’t give a fig about what they eat? And here was a woman who obviously cared about not only how she looked, but about her health in general. As she ate that salad you can imagine how I ranted and raved about how she impressed me and how great if this country would be if more people followed her example. As you can believe, she ate every last green leaf of that salad. And then she washed it down with two little bottles of gin.

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7. One day while wandering around in the Detroit airport, I noticed in one display case by a counter purporting to dispense nutrients, 18 trays of pastries, buns and cookies, two trays of salads and one tray of sandwiches. In that case there were 18 trays of goodies and two trays of salads. The people who manage that counter do not display things that they think you should eat: They display things that they know you will buy to make them money. 18 trays of goodies and 2 trays of salads. America has spoken

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8. Thank you for listening to The humble Farmer. As you well know, on this program you hear old fashioned music and --- I’d like to say you also hear scraps and bits of 80 years of accumulated wisdom but I can’t, because instead of getting smarter, I only seem to have more questions about the peculiar things you and I see or hear every day For example --- Is it fair to categorize people by watching the way they wipe crumbs off the table with their hand? How do you wipe crumbs off a table with your hand? One type of person rubs the crumbs across and into the crack where the table leaves come together and the other type doesn’t.

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9. There are all kinds of lifestyle gurus out there. They will tell you how to look better, how to feel better, how to make more money, how to get more done. I just saw one article listed on line that you can download. It is an article that will teach you how to get up early. You don’t need to bother to download it because I’m going to tell you how to get up early. Get some cows.

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10. You might wonder how I dare invite you to my house for dinner. Unless you are from away, you realize that we are talking here about dinner: the noonday meal. I dare to invite you because there is a good chance that you will never take the time to be kind enough to come and I dare to do it because if you do come I enjoy your company and putting an extra plate on the table is no bother to me whatsoever. You will notice that I am not as generous with my supper invitations. This is because my wife is not likely to be home at dinner time and she most certainly will be home at supper time. I prepare dinner. She prepares supper. Only one or two friends visited all one recent summer and how delightful it was when those professor friends stopped in, unannounced. During one visit I remember opening the refrigerator door and finding apple dumplings which we popped in the microwave and ate without fanfare. Good company. Good food. Who could ask for more? You might, however, know people who can’t seem to let good times happen naturally. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, is one of them. When Richard and Sue came for supper you’d think they were admissions officers from Colby who were about to evaluate her grandchildren. To start with, Marsha spends an entire morning and a quarter of my social security check just accumulating the raw materials. An entire afternoon is then spent roasting chicken and baking goodies. Do you like to wash pots and pans? I would rather clean out the Aegean Stables than tackle the heap of wreckage that remains after one of Marsha’s little suppers for four people. I don’t know why, but when she knows that two are coming she cooks for 8. And when our guests have had their third strawberry shortcake with ice cream and stagger out the door, she piles the leftovers on plates puts them in the refrigerator. And whatever’s left over is what I have to eat every day until it is gone. Which is why I’m always glad when you stop in, unannounced, and say, “Here I am. What’s for dinner?”

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