Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for February 21, 2016

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1. For over 8 years I produced six or so television commercials every week for businesses in the Rockland and Camden area. The hardest part of selling my service back then was convincing store owners that humor sells. Of course everyone knows that now. The best commercials one sees on national tv now are very funny, but I was ahead of my time so selling these funny tv spots was an uphill battle. You know that I never boast or brag about myself, but you should know that I am proud of one presentation I made. And I think I'm justified in saying to myself, or to you, because you’ve been a close friend for many years --- "Robert, you are fantastic. You really outdid yourself on that one." I'm talking here about my visit with a woman at her shoe store. I want you to know that I made very powerful commercial. Because --- as soon as my show went on the air, someone who couldn't even wait for them to open, broke in the store and stole two pair of shoes.

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2. You probably heard about the man who has been trapped at Charles de Gaulle Airport for years. His passport got messed up so he can’t enter France and yet he is unable to leave it. It was written up in the newspaper because the reporter thought it was such a strange and unusual thing. But if you compare this unfortunate fellow to a man who doesn’t get along with his wife, yet has six kids so they can’t afford a divorce, we could probably find several hundred similar cases right here in Maine.

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3. If you enjoy a challenge, you will love this. Find the worst telephone hold music in the state of Maine. While put on hold hoping to talk with Harry at the YMCA, I listened to what I would believe to be the worst telephone hold music in the State of Maine. Most telephone music is so bad that it would be difficult for you to point out the one that is the worst. Hence, the challenge. Who has the worst one? Where do these shrieks and howls come from? How does it get into telephone machines? What do the people who put it in there look like? Do they really stuff their corpulent frames with inch high greasy hamburgers and dripping fries? What are they thinking? What are they hoping to achieve by inflicting such pain and suffering upon us, their potential customers? What does anyone who is not producing a surrealistic horror movie have to gain by playing this music in the background? I’m thehumblefarmer@gmail.com and “I’ve got you babe….”

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4. By now, you are aware that I read widely, even though I might not understand what it is I am reading. This is more than likely to be true when it comes to theoretical mathematics. The other day I came across this mouthful. And I quote, with no idea of what it is I’m saying: "In particular, it is shown how a generalised Fibonacci sequence enters the control function of ?nite-horizon dynamic optimisation problems with one state and one control variable." I posted that on my Facebook page. Well, you can be sure I got more than a few comments on that. John, who is a long time friend and who used to publish my column in his newspaper in Minnesota, wrote this in reply. Fibonacci is an amazingly versatile delicacy. It can be sequentially (1.) drizzled over romaine lettuce or tomato-mozzarella caprese salad (2.) tossed with olives, feta, artichokes in a Greek salad, (3.) added to the top of a beautiful Spanish seafood paella, (4.) be the basic ingredient for an Italian entree topped with marinara or alfredo sauce; and (5) - even served as frozen-shaved "ice" drenched in flavored liqueurs and topped with fresh berries or fruit.” I’d like to thank John for that. And after reading it I realize that I know even less about cosmopolitan cuisine than I do a generalized Fibonacci sequence.

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5. You recently saw it on the news. A man who worked with a bear was killed by the bear. You will also recall that a few years ago a man who lived with wild bears was eaten by bears. Not long after that a man who loved sharks and other dangerous denizens of the deep came to a sudden and much publicized end when one of them turned on him. You and I know that there are wild and uncontrollable creatures on this planet that may be toyed with for a while, but that at any time they are likely to turn on you. And yet, every day you and I hear of yet another friend who plans to get married.

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6. One morning I LISTENED TO A HUMOROUS FUNDRAISING piece submitted to PRX by New Hampshire Public Radio. The summary to the piece said, "Add a little humor to your pitch breaks." I laughed when I read it because not everyone agrees. On April 8, 1978 I was asked to produce my first weekly show for Maine Public Radio. Over the 28 years I spent as a volunteer making this program just for you, my old-fashioned-music and humorous social commentary became an early evening staple for the intelligentsia in Northern New England and bordering Canada. So it was inevitable that I should eventually appear on MPBN television at fundraising time. My spot was sandwiched in between the showing of Hamlet. When they put the camera on me I opened with my usual deadpan: "I hope you'll stay tuned to this Hamlet thing. It is my understanding that it has a very happy ending." I was never permitted to help out with fundraising again. But if you've been in Public Radio for three decades as I have you know that our radio friends have long memories --- and for years afterwards I would occasionally be accosted by a radio friend who would grab me by the lapels of my jacket and say, "humble, that thing you said about Hamlet was the funniest thing I've ever seen on Public television." Yes, add a little humor to your pitch breaks --- our radio friends love humor -- but make sure you have tenure.

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7. Table manners are changing in this country. It is getting so that if you want someone to feel comfortable when they come to your house for supper, you serve them in paper plates on a plastic tray with plastic forks and a paper cup. Without even thinking, they’ll get up when they’ve finished, dump the paper and plastic into a big barrel, throw their tray on a pile next to the barrel, and leave. The only thing that will remain the same as the good old days is the absence of a tip.

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8. Do you go to the Common Ground Fair? The Common Ground Fair is the most impressive gathering of people to be held in a field in the state of Maine. They have this Common Ground Fair every year, the last weekend in September, and there was a time when I wouldn’t miss it. My favorite event is the sheep dog demonstration. They put these little dogs out in a field with a dozen sheep and when the dog’s trainer whistles, these dogs jump up and herd the sheep into a pen. Every organization in Maine that might be in favor of some positive political or social change is represented at the Common Ground Fair. My friend David Bright said that the most shocking thing he saw there in three days was the endangered species booth. David went over to check it out and there was no one there.

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9. Scientists have discovered that chewing gum helps you remember. The experts found that of the people tested, 35% who were given gum to chew found it easier to remember words. They hypothesized that it might be because chewing increases the speed of your heartbeat, so more oxygen is pumped round your body. Or it could be because chewing gum helps your body make insulin because it thinks food is coming. Even more plausible is the fact that the chewing keeps our mind from wandering and forces us to focus our attention on whatever it is we are trying to remember because we can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.

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10. Here is the humble Farmer question of the week. Why must construction companies surround their work with an 18 inch high wall of flimsy black plastic? So often I see them broken down that I can’t see that they are protecting our environment. Answer: The people who manufacture that plastic paid a lobbyist a lot of money to convince lawmakers that it was the right thing to do.

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11. How many times have you been working on a project when some lemme show ya boy looked over your shoulder and offered advice? If you are not careful, it is not long before he has pushed you aside and has taken the burden of the entire project upon his own incompetent shoulders. It is usually about that time that you notice that there is an alarming one to one correlation between a lemme show ya boy’s eagerness to help you and his ineptitude.

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