Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for February 28, 2016

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1. Marsha and I got into a big motor home with friends and went down to Key West for a few days. I like Key West. It is different. Don’t you think it is interesting that I also like Smogen and Monhegan? Key West and Smogen and Monhegan are all islands. Marsha packed food and clothes. I didn’t bother to pack much of anything which was a mistake because I forgot to bring a belt or suspenders. Most of my pants are so small that I can navigate without a belt, but the pants I took to Key West had about an inch of slack around the waist. Yes, I know. I could have corrected the problem with a piece of rope, but I didn’t think of it at the time. So I walked the streets of Key West for two days with both hands hanging onto my pants so they wouldn’t fall off. Anyone who saw me probably thought, “Look at that old fool trying to dress like a teen aged kid.”

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2. Here’s a letter from a radio friend who might have started listening to The humble Farmer 35 or more years ago. He writes: Thanks for getting back to me! Well I didn't hear your show on the radio, I actually heard a tune that suddenly reminded me of your show. I haven't heard you in many years. So it's GREAT to find all these podcasts!!!! I've always loved the music you play. I think it goes back to riding in back seat of my grandfathers car as he drove around New York with WNEW on the radio... As a kid I remember many Friday nights listening to your music and voice since I was very young. I grew up in North Yarmouth, (dad had a farm) went to college in Castine then went to off sea. Eventually I landed in Southern California after traveling the world on ships. My perfect wife and I live in Dana Point with our three kids. More recently I used to drive an elderly friend around to his meetings and we would listen to all the oldies. He would tell me stories of running around with Hoagy Carmichael and how he and Hoagy would get drunk and sing stardust together... I currently work in the port of Los Angeles managing shipping operations for a large organization. My wife and I like to get back to Maine in the summer to visit. Perhaps we could swing by some day? I've been known to take a sailboat up to Camden now and then... Really, it's neat to hear your show again and to communicate with you. Thanks for bringing back the memories Robert.

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3. When I came out of the bathroom one morning, my wife Marsha said, “You were in there talking about what you were going to do today. I think you’re going crazy.” This was a surprise to me. I didn’t realize that I talked out loud to myself. But, as the day went on, I realized that when I was alone I muttered all the time. Listening to myself for the first time, I was somewhat shocked to hear myself employing lexical items that I never use with anyone but must have acquired in 1973 while listening to the Nixon White House tapes. So --- because I don’t want people to think I’m bonkers, I might have to get a little doggie friend. People who talk to animals are considered normal.

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4. It was probably 60 years ago that my father’s dog Susie died so I might have a problem learning how to care for a pet in this day and age. If you can remember when doggie’s primary sustenance was table scraps, your grandchildren have probably had several serious discussions about hiding the keys to your car. If you are really old you might be able to remember when doggie roamed about the neighborhood as freely as children did. Admittedly --- back then a freezing rain or below zero temperatures might have warranted doggie’s admission to the house --- if there wasn't a nice comfortable hay barn at the other end of the back yard where he could bed down with the cows. But today’s doggie has been anthropomorphized to the point where he sleeps with his owner and eats expensive food from brightly illustrated cans. He sits by the table and after the meal eagerly laps clean the dinner plates.

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5. A social scientist might attribute this curious turn of events, this bringing dogs into the home and treating them like humans, to an affluent society. Although why more expendable income should make anyone who does not live in an igloo want to sleep with a dog is anyone’s guess. Do you have friends who shudder when you suggest that doggie might be comfortable on a blanket on the garage floor? Well past the age of 70, I slept more than a few nights on hardwood floors after doing stage shows on a Maine island. And anyone who has survived a week of Outward Bound will tell you that anyone who can sleep in a cold, wet boat would welcome nights in a doghouse or a barn.

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6. Today even the word “doghouse” has at worst the unpleasant connotation of marital strife and at best will chill the coffee at the breakfast table. If you have spent any time in the great outdoors with doggies, you know that, like any animal --- or a three-year-old child, they will scoffle up off the street things that your normal old Maine man would find repulsive --- slugs --- yogurt --- pepperoni pizza -- quiche. If you give this any serious thought at all, you will realize that if canned dog food were bought by dogs, the list of ingredients and the pictures on the can might include some fresh road kill and some greasy rags.

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7. But, because canned dog food is dropped into grocery carts by dog lovers, the pictures on the can and the list of ingredients have to approximate what yuppies would like to see on their own dinner plates: generous juicy chunks of chicken --- fresh green vegetables. Nowadays it is difficult to watch a television commercial for dog food without wanting to get down on your elbows and savor the protein, oils, vitamins and minerals for yourself. We are not here to argue that attributing humanoid characteristics to doggies is good or bad but to point out that in my neighborhood 70 years ago rubbing noses with or kissing a family pet would have raised more than a few eyebrows.

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8. It has not escaped our attention that billions of extra dollars have been generated simply by having doggie assume the psychological mantle of his human friends. --- And that this anthropomorphism --- this habit we have of attributing human characteristics to animals --- is driven by a Madison Avenue that has obviously found one more profitable market. At the end of the day, however, a dog is a dog, and if you clean the hamburger grease off your grill with paper towels at supper time and throw those paper towels in a wastebasket, the minute you turn your back your 90-pound dog will swallow the whole business. A few hours later, Mother Nature steps in and doggie expels those greasy towels --- which was never a problem when he slept in the barn or his own little house. But if he sleeps on your bed, you will have a delicate project on your hands in the morning.

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9. Thank you for permitting me to ask you questions. Because you might have the answers to many questions that seem to escape me. What is the purpose of education? Are some children wasting their time and their teacher’s time by going to school? Can common sense be taught in schools? Let us consider the case of a man who was trapped under a trailer that dropped on him. According to my newspaper, he had been living in a motel with his girlfriend and children after being evicted from an apartment by their landlord. A judge gave the man a few weeks to make the trailer habitable for his family before serving a prison term for stealing. Had school consolidation and No Child Left Behind been implemented 30 years ago, do you think it would have made a bit of difference or would this man still be trapped under his trailer?

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10. There really are two Maine winters: one is enjoyed by our friends with ski-racks on their Volvos. The other one is dreaded by elderly Maine natives, like myself, who have shoveled too much snow. The difference is in the eye of the beholder. When you read of inhaling crisp, fresh Maine air as newly fallen flakes crunch beneath vintage L. L. Bean boots --- with a sprinkling of the full moon’s reflection on sparkling pine boughs --- you can bet the writer was raised in a Philadelphia suburb where knocking steam radiators exuded comfort into every bedroom. Every year her parents brought her to Maine for two week’s of gunkholing between Maple Juice Cove and Narraguagus Bay --- in August. Properly disillusioned, for years she dreamed of living in Maine. After her schooling, with a bit of help from her grandfather, she bought an airtight house with triple pane windows, contracted to have her driveway plowed, settled back with a cup of hot chocolate and commenced to grind out copy celebrating the Maine winter. To a hapless native who has lived and worked in snow and freezing rain for years, however, the sight of a single snowflake recalls the kind of frigid misery that has even grizzled lobster catchers from Beals and Monhegan sneaking off to their Arizona condos.

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11. I am superstitious. Do I believe that I’ll have bad luck if a black cat crosses my path? Not really, but I go a great distance out of my way to avoid it. Am I extra careful on my birthday and certain holidays? Yes. Does it hurt to be extra careful every day of the year? No. Is it dangerous to light three cigarettes with one match? You are taking your life in your hands if you light a cigarette with anything. Nowadays the lighters can explode in your pocket. Do you capture someone’s soul when you take their picture? When you hear some women scream and run at the sight of a camera you would think so. Do I believe that if a rocking chair is rocking with nobody in it that somebody will die? Not really, but why take unnecessary chances? +

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