Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for March 6, 2016

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1. According to a Harvard study, 10 million American children now come home from school to lonely empty houses. With both parents working, care of the child is now left up to the pets. Years ago, only Tarzan could claim to be raised by animals. But animal role models now go a long way to explaining the hairstyles and behavior displayed by many young people today. People who once asked why Johnny can’t read can now wonder about his sudden fascination for fire hydrants. According to the Harvard study, now that pets are role models, parents had better choose them with care because pets will determine the course of your child’s life. Want him to become a condominium salesman? Get him a bulldog. Want him to become a lawyer? Get him a weasel --- so he can ferret out the truth. Want your kid to grab headlines in the National Enquirer? Wolves. Every kid raised by wolves since Romulus and Remus has been featured in the Enquirer. The president’s economic programs have done away with the wolf at the door --- he’s now inside, raising the children. Rabbits? Well, pandas are really better role models for children --- which is probably why they are almost extinct. Pets that are good role models will be hard to get. Horses worth their salt will be out running around Scarborough on weekends. Beavers will be cutting timber and building houses. Obviously, the more worthless and useless the pet, the easier it will be to get. Cats will become even more popular, according to the Harvard study, which claims that you don’t even notice the inevitable stink caused by a cat if you live in it long enough. Your friends think of it as being a part of YOU. The good news is that even your best friend won’t tell you that the stench in your house could bring tears to the eyes of a zookeeper. Then there are the poor kids whose parents can’t afford brown-eyed pets. They’ll be raised by snakes and spiders. The Harvard folks hope that three toed sloths will never become popular. They claim that there are already enough Red Sox fans in Maine.

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2. My wife Marsha has lived in Holland. I have lived in Sweden. Since those long ago days we have visited our friends and relatives there several times and our Dutch and Swedish friends and relatives have been to our home to visit us. I can read Dutch and I can read Swedish and from time to time I go on line and read their newspapers to see what is going on over there and, because they keep pretty close tabs on what we are up to, I also read their reports of what is happening here. If you have lived in Finland or Norway or one of those northern European countries I don’t need to tell you that no one knows more about the life style of Swedes and Danes than our provincial friends who have only heard about it.

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3. When my wife Marsha started to work on our income tax she said there is a .23 per mile deduction for going to doctors. I have been assigned to read my diary for last year to ascertain how many times I visited some medical person or organization. Wouldn't you think it would be enough of a strain to have to live through last year without having to read about and relive what you did every single day for last year? Can I count the forty miles I rode in the ambulance with Lou and Adrian?

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4. Do you write down what you do every day? I do. I can tell you the days I went to record John Thyhsen up in Rochester at any one of his gigs in 1957 and I can tell you the day that the wheel came off Reggie Montgomery's truck and rolled across my yard and Reggie will tell you that that was a long time ago. You will be glad to hear that I'm in much better physical condition than I was last year. The stomach operation and the things they put in my heart to improve my circulation in October and December have straightened me right out. I strongly recommend heart and stomach operations to all of my friends because I am now as frisky as a squirrel and, although, I am still tired more often than the average human being, I am not coughing myself to death every day. Marsha said I had to look up all the trips I made to the doctor last year so she could deduct the mileage for our income tax paper. You can't believe all the whining and cries of pain and exhaustion I recorded in my log for last year. Anyone reading my log for last year would think that I lived in a constant state of exhaustion and excruciating pain. If it wasn't for my creaking knees I wouldn't have anything to write this year. Only one thing surprised me. The 140 pounds I weighed this morning is the 140 pounds I weighed last June. So I'm no skinnier now than I was most a year ago. Should I eat more ice cream?

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5. One of the fun things of reading thru my diary for last year was seeing how many time you and my other friends stopped in to visit. Some stayed in the B&B for a day or more. Some just dropped in for a meal and some conversation. Some just stopped in for a quick chat, or simply to check out the solar radiant heated cellar/office of Maine Private Radio and the TV studios of The Real Husbands of St. George, Maine. I appreciate every minute you were good enough to spend with me. Thank you for taking the time to visit me. I look forward to seeing you again when you can get away from your household chores for an afternoon. .

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6. Here’s a news item that might interest you. Alvin Holmstrom of Hope was treated for wrenched neck vertebrae at Pen Bay Medical Center and released. Mr. Holmstrom is a respected artist whose illustrations appear on a regular basis in many national magazines such as Time and Newsweek. His art gallery in Appleton features many of his colorful drawings that have been seen by millions. Holmstrom’s neck problem began in a Rockland bookstore when his wife mentioned that many of the positions assumed by young lovers on the covers of Harlequin Romances are physically impossible. Holmstrom, whose illustrations often bear a strong resemblance to those of Picasso, vigorously disagreed, and proceeded to turn his head until, looking much like an owl, he proved that it could be done. Get well cards may be sent to him in care of his Appleton gallery, Painted Into A Corner.

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7. The number of jobs available in Maine for college students will be down for the summer, according to a work-study report. Last summer many psychology students earned college credits by working in mental institutions as role models. But the role model works two ways. This summer, many of the students who worked in the programs can’t be distinguished from the patients.

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8. I have received a threatening letter, which I believe I have to read because of the freedom of information act. And I quote, Dear Mr. Skoglund, You have been giving Moody’s Diner an inordinate amount of free publicity on your news broadcast. I suggest that there are other places to eat in the midcoast area, and should you not mention Kate’s Seafood or the Brown Bag soon I will buy you a subscription to The Fringes of Reason: A Field Guide to New Age Frontiers, Unusual Beliefs and Eccentric Sciences. This is a Whole Earth type of publication and when your name appears on their mailing list you might also find yourself on the mailing list of such groups as The Communist Descendants of The Abominable Snowman. How would you like to get mailings from the Truth Missionaries of Positive Accord (which combines a Virgin cult with hard-core porn)? or Schizophrenics International? There are more; I would guess a half dozen requests for information from these good folks would bury you in the junk-mail road kill of the information superhighway. Wanna bet they don’t have an on-line computer bulletin board, to share information on potential converts? Think about it, sport. --- Wow. I have but one answer to that kind of letter. As you might remember Dan Rather once said the night before he was mugged, “I refuse to be intimidated.”

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9. One day many years ago a couple of journalists from Sweden had supper with us. One of them named Agneta said that she was once asked if she could spare an hour from time to time to visit people in prison. Agneta writes books and her husband is a famous movie producer named Jan Troell, so, being interested in doing new and different things, she went to the prison and had a nice visit with a man who killed three people. But --- then she went to prison to visit a man who was in there for fraud. He took out his guitar and played folk music and she never went back.

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10. Would you be surprised if I told you that almost everybody in Maine watches TV? One day I was up on the mountain at Lawyer Crandall’s house, and right at noontime, right there on his TV screen was a rabbit riding on a surfboard. I couldn’t believe it. I said, “Crandall, look at this. A rabbit riding on a surfboard. This is what passes for entertainment in adult America today.” And Crandall said, “Skog, that probably goes a long way towards explaining your success.”

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11. A team of scientists have developed candy that has no sugar or fat but looks and tastes like candy. They are now working on chicken, potatoes, and gravy that contain absolutely no nutrition. Critics of the nutritionless food program are alarmed, claiming that entire well-fed populations could actually be in the process of being starved to death by their enemies.

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