Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for April 10, 2016

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Rants April 10, 2016, Mama’s 100th birthday

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1. While blow drying my hair in front of the mirror this morning, I noticed that my hair up forward was getting thin. 70 years ago someone on the radio said, "Hej Noodles, did you know that your hair is getting thin?" And Noodles said, "So who wants fat hair?" You are likely to remember things you heard on the radio 70 years ago because there wasn't all that much of anything else around at the time that was worth remembering. The thin hair thing must have been a standard vaudeville line at one time, just as now people never tire of hearing, "You can't get there from here." But I got to thinking how I envied 80-year old men who worried about losing their hair. If you worry about losing your hair when you are 80, would it not indicate that you must otherwise be in pretty good shape?

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2. What a wealth of material there is on your Facebook page. I'm always delighted when I stray onto it. Remember the times we have talked about the many oblique ways of boasting about your affluence without actually saying, "I'm rich"? The best way to boast of your tremendous income is to complain about your income tax. A close second is to whine about how it bugs you that countless millions of lazy people have driven up the national debt to 17 trillion by their dependence on food stamps. You know other ways to say "I'm rich," but here's one I had never seen before today. You can let everyone know you are rich if you mention that you buy your clothes at second hand stores. I don't get a new pair of shoes or a nice looking jacket until some friend about my size dies.

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3. Have you ever gone into a Bentley showroom and kicked the tires --- pretending that you were seriously considering buying one of these fine machines? Or have you ever gone into an art gallery and spent an hour or more with a salesman, pretending to decide which of two N. C. Wyeth paintings you will be taking home that day? There might be a few people who do it. But most of us would feel like we were making fools of ourselves if we tried to step out of our own skins and pretend to be a bit more economically successful than we really are. As we travel the road of life, most of us accept the fact that there are places we can simply not afford to be. --- on a boat going down the Rhine. Superbowl games. I can remember speaking at a humor conference in Anaheim one time and standing outside the gates at Disneyland because it cost $40 to get in. You certainly know what I'm talking about. And this does not distress us because we are comfortable with our station in life. However --- if you would be uncomfortable walking into an environment where you have no economic business being, you can understand why I am a bit on edge as we sit here chatting now. A former student has invited Marsha and me to join her for dinner tomorrow noon in a restaurant.

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4. Forty five years ago I used to teach in the same school as Mrs. Burns. Her granddaughter, Katey, says: "You and I have arrived at the same conclusion. It is far more convenient to borrow your neighbor's dog than to own one yourself." May I point out that many Maine men have come to the same conclusion about wives?

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5. In her infinite wisdom, Mother Nature protects us old folks from ourselves. Lame knees are Mother Nature's way of telling octogenarians, "If you run, you old fool, you'll have a heart attack and die."

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6. A very smart friend of mine said, "Presenting bullet proof facts and illuminating inconsistencies can drown a bill right there!" He was talking about bills in committee up at the legislature. I quoted him and was told that I quoted his comment out of its original context. Think about this. If you watch political debates on TV you know that every comment that is debated is taken out of context.

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7. For weeks I've been trying to remember to ask you about Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner. You certainly remember when they were up and running around 1950. You will remember that Wile E Coyote was always getting blown up with dynamite or getting run over by a train. Sometimes he would splatter, at high speeds against a mountain wall. Those days are no more. Will you please raise your hand if you think the all-reaching arm of political correctness has overextended its bounds? Nowadays even the exterminator ads on television show an evil-green-eyed cat marching the cute, but handcuffed, little cartoon rat friends toward a waiting cartoon van with bars on the windows. My father got a television set around 1955. And in 1955, an exterminator ad would have shown cats blasting away at rats with a shotgun. In very fuzzy color. What has happened to those good old golden days when children were entertained by cartoon animals being crushed, ground, blown up or shredded? Has America had enough of political correctness? Is this rebellion against political correctness, this urge to bring back the cartoons of yesteryear, one more reason some political candidates are able to draw huge crowds?

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8. It has been called to my attention how and why living organisms do things that enable them to survive, thrive and propagate their species. I’ve been reading a book about genes written by Richard Dawkins. You know about genes and you understand why I think I could make a case for the reason black dogs wildly slatt a deflated volley ball from side to side. But you will have to tell me why, given a choice between a fresh bone from the butcher shop and a blue plastic funnel, dogs will eat the blue plastic funnel. P ALIGN=LEFT>+

9. No things Considered here on The humble Farmer. Rats. I just got a phone call saying something about my winning two free tickets to a cruise in the Carribean. I wouldn't want to go on a cruise to the Carribbean because when I got there I wouldn't know how to spell it when I sent post cards to my friends to tell them that I was there --- no spell checker on post cards, you know. I don’t even know how to say it. Is it carrIBeun or carABean? The voice on the recording sounded sincere so I knew it could not be a scam. Thinking that winning a trip would be a fun thing to talk about on my show, I grabbed for my camera and started to record the phone call, just as the recorded woman said, "Please say yes or no." I foolishly said, "Oh yes." The thing thought my oh was no, said it would never bother me again, and hung up. Win some. Lose some. If I knew how to spell Carribeen I'd really feel badly about this.

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10. Isn't it interesting that in the scheme of things, human beings are right up there at the top of the phylogenetic tree --- between fungi and slime molds.

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11. When I heard my friend the artist Wilder Oakes make a snide comment about The Golden Years I got to thinking that I’m 80 years old and within the past 6 months I’ve had operations on my stomach and my heart and I am lame in my left knee. Because I’ve been on this planet for 80 years I think I know what I’m talking about when I tell you that the bottom line--- no matter how old you are --- is happiness. I don't think I've ever been any happier or content than I am right this minute. That might change next week when I step out of the house into a 46-degree Maine-coast drizzle, but today, even without having done coffee drugs this morning, I feel very good indeed. And it is what is going on in your mind, rather than what you have remaining for a body, that is the most important thing every instant of your life. On my 21st birthday I remember standing on a street corner in Baltimore in my little sailor suit not knowing what to do with myself. The ship was in drydock at Curtis Bay. I was lonesome and unhappy. My 40th birthday was even worse. I drove to cousin Jackie's near Boston in an attempt to get away from myself. I was lonesome and miserable. I have a picture taken of me that day. I would not go back to those miserable days of being 21 or 40 again --- unless I could take with me, intact, the gray matter that is between my ears today. Because no matter how old you are or where you are, if you are happy you are smack dab in the middle of your Golden Years and life is a lark. It don’t get no better than this.

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12. From time to time I say something that I hope might help you and because this is one of those times, I hope you will listen carefully. For many years I was a humorous after dinner speaker and in that capacity I attended association meetings all over the United States. When I was at association meeting I sat in on their seminars and I learned a little bit about their work and the financial aspects of their businesses. So, if you are a young person who is still undecided as to a career, you might want to make a note of this. There is more money to be made in burying dead people than there is in healing sick animals.

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