Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for July 24, 2016

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1. My back line is 453 feet Peter Hill just helped me measure it. He said, "Do you remember when I was living next door 30 or so years ago and I asked you if I could borrow your lawnmower? You said you'd take care of it. When I came home there was a sheep moored out in the front yard." Isn't it interesting what people remember about you?

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2. It’s a well-known fact that here in Maine school superintendents get three times the pay of a teacher. Superintendents do NOT get a lot of money for what they do. It simply happens to be three times what teachers get for what they do. Some people wonder why. The superintendents go to the same teachers colleges as the teachers. They both go to the same colleges to get their masters degrees. But when they start work, a strange thing happens: one gets three times the salary that the other one does. I asked a school board member why the school board paid superintendents such respectable salaries and was told, “Well, we pay a lot more than we want to because we want somebody who can do a good job. You get what you pay for.” One wonders why the same philosophy is not applied to teachers.

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3. If you want to learn about summer heat, come to St. George, Maine. We hear that the country is perishing under a sweltering heat wave and, for a change, we are even feeling it here on the coast of Maine. I put on my shorts. I put on a T-shirt and anyone who stops in today will see white, skinny aged humble arms that have not been pitted and scared by the harmful effects of the sun in years. I'm down cellar, because down here in the cellar it is not only warmer during those bitter cold months of May and June and most of July (we were running the electric heat on the fourth of July) but when it is sweltering outside down here in the cellar it feels cool --- compared to outside right now where it is very close to 77 degrees.

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4. Six guests at our Bed and Breakfast table one morning. I was in charge of toast, but it is a struggle for me because I have to wash my hands after I touch anything. Shades of Martin Luther. I asked Denise to help me do toast because I couldn't hear and was afraid I wouldn't get it right. That morning I noticed --- that people do not drink all of their coffee. They do not drain the cups. Depending on who it is, there are varying amounts of drug drink left in the cup when the guest leaves the table. I noticed this because I always drain my cup --- no matter what is in it. If it is coffee grounds, I chew up the grit with my teeth and swallow it --- thinking I'm getting that much more of the facilitating drug. Do I drink it all because I was raised to not waste anything? Do you empty your cups and glasses? Do you eat all of the food that you put on your plate except the chicken skin and bones?

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5. I am learning so much from Facebook. For everything I write here that is seen by five people, there are five different interpretations to that which I have written. I knew that this was true when I was on the stage. Many of my stories actually depended on each audience member to figure out the punch line for himself/herself. So 90% might get it. And 100% might think that they got it. But what I write here is usually right straightforward. And still it is misconstrued. No tricks. Just straight out whining. This is why we have lawyers write 30 page documents to cover transactions that could be consummated by the signing of a check or a handshake. Yes. I'll say it again. I'm amazed that each and every one of the simple things that I write about can be taken to mean so many different things. --- By friends who are much smarter than I am. This must be true of what you and everyone else writes and says, too. I suppose that is why it is necessary to have elections. And why the divorce rate is as high as it is. Radio friend Mike replied, That is why I am still married. I treat marriage like a humble farmer show. ... I laugh whether I get it or not.

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6. Yesterday was a slack day. Only 7 friends dropped in to say hi. Unless I forgot somebody. Not one of them had ever been here before. And on top of that we had 8 people sleeping in various bedrooms. Could you enjoy having 15 people in your house over the course of one day as I do? If you drop in and Marsha doesn't offer to feed you it is not because of any stingy leanings. If she can't spread out the crystal with freshly baked cakes or pies, she can't bring herself to simply rummage in the refrigerator and say, "Would you like some scraps?" You deserve the best, and if it isn't uncut right hot out of the oven, it is not good enough for you. I, on the other hand, have no compunction about offering our friends blueberry muffins that are a whole day old. There might not be enough to go around, but that's OK. First come, first served. I've done my best. One day we were only expecting two friends to visit, which meant only seven people sitting around the supper table that night. --- Unless other friends were thoughtful enough to drop in. Anticipating this kind of rush, Marsha Skoglund is right in her glory. She goes to town for groceries at least three times a week --- after checking the newspaper for specials) and she makes a rhubarb crisp --- just as if anyone would have room for dessert. She sets the table hours ahead of time. Everything is always perfect. With plates in hand, I trot between the pantry and the dining room table. I'm sorry if you’ve never had time to visit. You are missing out on a treat.

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7. By the time they were 21 years old, Heisenberg, Dirac and Bragg were already well on the road to Nobel Prizes. When I was 21 years old, however, I was your typical youngster with the curiosity of a raccoon and the interests of a rabbit. If you have typical youngsters and want to sleep well tonight you should not hear what I’m about to say. --- Because I have in hand my diary for 1957 and am going to read a few of the random thoughts and activities of a 21-year-old boy who was always cold and, with $5 in his pocket, left St. George, Maine and hitchhiked to Texas to get warm. On March 7th, in 1957 I finished a two-year stint on the bridge of the CGC Laurel. Let me read for you what I wrote in my diary: March 14 …”Rode up to the Warren Cutoff. Got a roadmap… Got a ride in a 53 Ply to Moody’s. … I want to go where it’s really warm…Got a ride to Wiscasset with a worm digger. He says he can make $10 a day digging worms…. Got a ride by Yarmouth Cutoff in a caddy with a LT. Cdr. He had safety belts & I fastened mine.” Arrived at my aunt’s house in Needham. “Total cash on hand $5.11 … Watched a tremendous TV show. ‘The peoples Choice’” March 15. ... “705 Left with Uncle G. … Got off at 128 & got a ride in a 54 Ford to Rte 9 … to New Haven. Froze. 53 Ford & two Air Men (kids) brought me to Jersey T. P. At one time we were doing 100 MPH. Wow! I was seriously considering getting out. … Made it through NY without incident. 57 Ply with less than 100 Mi on it to cutoff. … 3 sailors gave me a ride to 49 Mi fm. Balt. I drove for quite a while. 54 [degrees] here. 52 Buick. He gave me the longest ride I got all the way. Eventually he let me out in Bristol Tenn. 1700 We fought the traffic in Balt. … 1840 Passed Jefferson Memorial. Took my coat off. Went to Alexandria to his brs house & ate two ham sandwiches in a house trailer. 62 [degrees] 2250 We are in Waynesboro. … Moon is out tonight. Three of us in front seat. I slept part way.”

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8. I’m reading from my diary of 1957 when I hitchhiked to California with $5 in my pocket. March 16 … Observed the First hill billy shacks. … Red dirt makes everything red. … 57 Buick took me to Chattanooga Tenn. … 55 Chev to Trenton. … All the loafers are Out in the sun. … Passed Lookout Mountain which is very long. … 55 Chev to Selma 73 [degrees] … Went in Gulf station & shaved & washed up. … Dark in Mississippi. Rode quite a ways in the truck. Got out when he had flat but got back in as I found he pumped it up. … He bought me a coke.”

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9. March 17 “Got ride from Meridan to Jackson with a couple of drunks in a Pontiac. Hitched the wrong way in Jackson till a guy told me I was going the wrong way. [Here I was propositioned for $2.] “I flatly refused and got dumped in the wilderness. … A 54 Ford brought me to Vicksburg. 57 Ply to Tallulah. Stood for more than 2 hrs here. … 54 Pontiac to Jonesboro. 41 Chev 20 Mi. – 51 Hudson to Winnfield. 57 Buick to Alexandrea. 49 Chev to Galveston. … It poured as we neared Beaumont. … Water was axel deep on road to ferry. Went on ferry to Galv. Saw palm trees & pelicans. Got to Huston in 3 more rides. … Arrived at Mocker’s. [My deaf friend from St. George.] “Slept on the kitchen floor with Mockers Br in Law. Had a shower & washed my clothes.” March 18. [After a good night’s sleep on the floor and washing up] “Spent 5 cents on a coke. [Nutrition was obviously one of my priorities.] The first money Ive spent since Thurs.

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