Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for August 14, 2016

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1. Do you believe that no matter how bad a situation might be, someday, somewhere, someone will see some good in it? Listen closely: Dear humble, I am not old enough to remember the crash of '29, but it had two big benefits for me. For one thing, It shaped my parents' attitude toward frugality and the avoidance of unnecessary debt, and their attitude rubbed off on me. For them, home ownership occurred when the mortgage was paid off. They wanted to get married at the time of the crash but it was five years before my Dad could attain a salary sufficient to support a family and I came along nine months later. So the second benefit is this: if it had not been for the Great Depression I'd be five years older than I am now! Jerry

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2. There are all kinds of lifestyle gurus out there. They will tell you how to look better, how to feel better, how to make more money, how to get more done. I just saw one article listed on line that you can download. It is an article that will teach you how to get up early. You don’t need to bother to download it because I’m going to tell you how to get up early. Get some cows.

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3. Dear Humble: Love the show. Keep up the great music! Art and Ellen. My wife is a teacher and she works with a real Mainer. HE is retired, but now works part time in the local High School in Special Ed. He told my wife today that his original microwave oven that he bought back in the 80's finally wouldn't heat a thing, so he and his wife broke down and bought a new one at Walmart. He couldn't believe how heavy that old Microwave oven was compared to the new one. He had the hardest time hauling it up to the attic!!!

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4. Young people today don’t know about moderation. Back when I was a kid we had neighbors who were moderate. One day Alva Harris was lying on his back underneath a car in his garage when he saw some boots walking around. So Alva recognizes them and hollers out, is that you George? And George says, “Yes, you awful busy today Alva?” And Alva says, “What you need?” And George says, “My house is on fire.”

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5. If you are a nurse thank you for the good work you do. We admire you. Here’s another amazing testimonial to your prowess. This morning I got a letter from Rafiq Rehman, a rich man in the UAE, who wants to send me his remaining millions that I may distribute it to charity. Yes, you see, he would give all this money away himself but he has prostate and esophageal cancer and writes to me from his bed on his laptop as he patiently waits for the end. I have to call this letter to your attention because --- I got a similar letter from the very same Mr. Rehman five or six years ago, saying that he was dying with prostate and esophageal cancer. He has done well to hang on this long and it only because of a skillful nurse that by now he doesn’t also complain of bed sores.

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6. Old habits die hard. Even though I have inherited my wife’s three grandchildren, you have heard me say many times that I could never afford to have children of my own. So --- I still have some pre-grandchildren baggage and we are going to talk about that now. For some reason that I have never been able to understand, an awful lot of people think that their ability to create another human being is something to brag about. Would not a single man sooner boast that he had somehow lived over 50 years without contributing to the greatest problem on our planet today, which is increasing the population? As you know, I’m not arguing a point, but am simply outlining some common social parameters. So --- your friends who have created another unique human being meet you on the street. You are supposed acknowledge the presence of this new person, who might be from anywhere from 5 days to 5 years old. I can’t do it. As far as I am concerned, an entity unable to verbally articulate its sentiments does not exist, (which might explain why I haven’t enjoyed watching television for years and years). You might recall hearing me tell how a new mother was so distressed over my inability to see her new child, that she threw the child in the air two or three times, right in front of my face, just to get my attention. For years afterward I boasted that I saved that child’s life by acknowledging its existence before she dropped it. Anyway --- you do not say anything about their child when you meet them in a store or on the street. That’s when they bring the child into your home and that’s when they’ve got me. Because --- if you don’t say some very nice things about their child the minute they come in the door, they unleash it.

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7. If you have ever offered me a bowl of pea soup or a dish of potato salad, you know that I politely refused as I explained that pea soup and potato salad are thrills I’m saving for my 90s. When you are 70 and 80 and 90 there are things that you should be able to do for the first time with the same reaction an 11 year old experiences with his first cigarette. After all, when you have done everything, what is there left to live for? Listen closely, because I’m about to confess to something I did one morning that I had never, ever done before in my many years on this planet. I did something that I was sure I never would do. I did something I never thought I could do. I have sneered at others when I have seen them do it because I knew I was above such foolishness. I have even written snotty newspaper columns about it just so I could flaunt my superiority before my friends and neighbors. But when I found myself in their situation, I was powerless. I had no control over my actions. Without thinking, like a mindless puppet yanked by a string, I reacted exactly as they did. I hope you’ll tell me that it’s just part of being human, and that I shouldn’t let it bother me. Anyway, I might not be a better man than I was yesterday, but it shook me to the innermost core of my being and I’m certainly wiser. Are you ready? This morning my best friend, The B Boy, stopped in for a visit. He was no sooner through the door, when I took Marsha’s one year old grandchild by the hand, and said to her, “Come over here and show The Boy what you can do.”

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8. One day my brother in law Mark called to tell me that in a Mark Trail comic strip, Mark Trail is standing on an oyster bar ankle deep in water, surrounded by hungry sharks. Mark Trail is saying, “I’m in big trouble. I’m surrounded by sharks on this oyster bar and the tide is going out.” My brother in law thought that this was funny and said that Mark Trail wasn’t going to get in trouble as long as the tide was going out. But anyone who thinks about this knows that although only a very few men have been eaten by sharks, many men have been undone after eating a few oysters.

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9. Are we born incompetent or is incompetence thrust upon us? After almost 30 years of being married to Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, I now wonder how I survived my 20 years between 34 and 54 as a bachelor. I might now be compared to an appendage that has atrophied from lack of use because I no longer know how to do anything. What do you suppose would happen to me if I ran through a load of wash and hung it on the line? There is no way on this green earth that I would do it right. If you’re married to a Type A woman you know what happens when you try to help by making the bed. Yes. She tears it apart and makes it right, with the corners tucked in and the sheet folded down at the top --- even though Martha Stewart couldn’t tell the difference when the bedspread is on. You finally give up because she says it is easier for her to do it the first time than it is to tear your work apart and then do it over again. Mow the lawn and she mows it again the same evening with the blade set down to the dirt. Help her with the dishes? Only if you do want trouble in your marriage. You might have heard some of our young so-called experts bleating the mantra, “You have to work at a marriage. Marriage takes a lot of work and effort.” This is not true. I never worked at our marriage and I never will. For 30 years I have simply stood back and got out of the way.

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10. Would you please consider a revolutionary new way to elect a President of the United States? The candidate goes out on the campaign trail where he or she shakes 79,314 hands, hugs 4,502 people and kisses 322 snotty faced kids under the age of five. Any person who survives this without being hospitalized from some horrible disease would be considered strong enough to lead our country through anything.

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11. Here’s an oldie but goodie. A group of friars fell behind in their payments for a new belfry they had erected. They held a meeting and decided that since they had a knowledge of gardens and flowers that they would open a florist shop. There was one other florist across town and he soon felt the competition. So he went to the friars and asked that they stop selling because of their unfair advantage that persuaded customers to purchase from servants of God. But the friars said no, they needed the money and were going to ignore him. The florist then hired Hugh MacTaggart, the toughest thug for miles around, to trash the friars' operation which he did. He told the friars that if they did not quit selling he would be coming back. Terrified the friars decided to quit, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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