Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for August 21, 2016

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1. A few years ago a friend gave me a crash course on how to pick up women. At the time he imparted this information I was married, but very quickly realized that many young men would pay to have it. So we sat down by a mike and spent an hour or so reviewing and recording the more salient points of picking up women wherever you might be. Like picking a pocket or choreographing an elaborate ballet, it is an exact and almost infallible science. When I transcribed the whole business later, I had several pages of 12 point type. But --- by the time my friend came around later to help me polish the document I realized I had a dangerous, powerful tool in my hand. From what you’ve seen on TV you know that bad guys can already cause enough trouble without adding to their bag of tricks, so I’ve abandoned this branch of the social sciences. Because this information might be misused to hurt someone, I don’t feel it would be morally right for me to blab it around. So it was inevitable that my voluntarily suppressed pamphlet on how to pick up women came to mind when I heard that a man was arrested for selling a how-to pedophile book. You might have also heard that the lawman who arrested him keeps a Bible on his desk. And you might ask yourself which of those two books has caused the most death and destruction. Anyway, one day while thinking about my little how-to pick up women pamphlet, I asked a very smart woman if there were any special techniques women use to pick up men. She said, “You look them in the eye and snap your fingers as you point at the floor in front of you. When they walk over, you pat them on the head.”

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2. You might have had old retired people tell you that they would never spend a winter in Florida. If you ask them why, you will discover that they have never spent a winter in Florida because they will tell you that they can’t stand the heat, the snakes the bugs and the alligators. Anyone who has spent a January in southern Florida knows that they wear their long underwear and a heavy jacket and perhaps even mittens on many days. The only problem with heat is getting enough of it. No, the real problem with southern Florida is the smoke. You don’t hear any talk about Florida air quality on the news because it would hurt the tourism business. And perhaps the air is no different from that in Ohio. So when someone tells you that they would never spend a winter in Florida because of the heat and bugs you know they’ve never been there. But if they say that they can’t stand Florida because of the smoke, you know they are speaking from experience. Gramp Wiley spent one winter in Florida, but he didn’t like it. Gramp said, “It’s not the heat but the humility.”

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3. A Facebook friend writes, "Are you saying that at the age of 80-something, you just now learned how to scramble an egg??" Why should this be surprising? There are millions of things I have never done. Yes. Before yesterday I had never scrambled an egg. I have also never beaten a child with my belt or puked from drinking too much beer. I have never been to Idaho. I never took a class in algebra or Chinese. There are a lot of things that are quite common in our land that I have never done. Have you ever met anyone who has done everything?

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4. I really didn’t feel like I was wasting any time when I went to town for my annual checkup because it was a typical, cold, raw, wet day the coast of Maine and I couldn’t work outside. But the first thing the doctor did when he came in the room and saw me waiting in the chair was open the window wide. The wind and the cold rain blew into the room, but the doctor smiled and looked refreshed and relieved. And it wasn’t until then that I realized I was wearing the same shoes that I wear when I go out to check on the cows.

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5. Flummox is a good word. If I were to market a product that removed stains, I’d call it Flummox.

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6. I'm concerned because I am making stupid mistakes. The bank says that there was $20.58 more in the cash deposit than I thought when I sent it into the bank. I can’t count money anymore. When someone requested a B&B date for September I wrote back and told them that we had their August date available. These are matters for concern. I'm asking my wife Marsha to count the B&B money now before I take the envelope to the bank. I'm wondering if this type of confusion could be a manifestation of Lyme disease. Or if it is a simple case of old age and rotted out brain cells. Should a person who is unable to make simple distinctions between black and white be allowed to vote in a national presidential election? Ordinarily I'd say no. But in this election does it matter which way you pull the lever?

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7. While looking up microchip cat flaps I found an advertisement that said, “Keep Your Cat Safe with Savings on Sturdy Outdoor Pet Enclosures!” Another person might look at your purchase and accuse you of confining one of Mother Nature’s creatures in an inhuman, cruel and unsanitary cage. The only difference between a sturdy outdoor pet enclosure and an inhuman, cruel and unsanitary cage is in the eye of the beholder. I’m extremely grateful for this sociological phenomenon that you and I call the eye of the beholder. Were it not for the inherent differences in the eyes of beholders, several billion men would be trying to arrange my demise so they could marry my wife.

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8. Please listen to this quote. "I have driven close to 1 million miles in all kinds of weather, traffic, urban commutes, rural commutes, various obstacles, blinding sun, and never had a crash." It takes a certain kind of person with a lot of intestinal fortitude to be able to write this. I couldn't do it, could you? Would you dare say that you’d never crashed in an automobile? Do you know what would happen to me tomorrow if I said that I’d never been struck by lightning?

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9. We read of a young man who flipped his van while playing with his cell phone. It’s my understanding that cell phones can cost up to $400. Does causing accidents really require that much technology or expense? Back in the good old days when we wanted to flip the pickup --- or just live dangerously --- we’d simply drive to town with an unrestrained dog in the cab.

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10. I asked my wife if she wanted to attend the Thursday night class on meditation. She said she'd have to think about it. (130104 courier) Marsha sends out a yearly newsletter. It is a blatant attempt to boast of grandchildren and the financial successes of everyone remotely associated with the family. One year on the bottom I posted a picture of 11 baited mousetraps next to a hole inhabited by moles or voles on the sunny south side of the house. As might be expected, we received several treatises back from our academic friends outlining in detail their various adventures as exterminators. Jeremy, a neurologist at one of our leading universities, gets between their ears as it were, and says: “I think I noted … that you had baited some traps with what looked to be cheese. Professional exterminators usually use something sweet that cannot easily be taken from the bait holder. I have used soft cookies that I can smush onto the holder, and also gum drops - both are very effective.” Jeremy should know that the picture was deceiving because I bait with peanut butter. When I’m in an unforgiving mood I tie on a piece of bacon with string. I had never thought of gum drops but sweet, sticky gum drops sound good. If the trap doesn't get them, they’ll perish with diabetes.

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