Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for October 30, 2016

+

1. In a discussion of the best countries to visit if you want to be kidnapped, Facebook friend Daniel said, “I ain't goin none o' them places. Couldn't stand the rejection” If you have ever been rejected when visiting a foreign country, you didn't bring enough money.

+

2. Would you please consider a revolutionary new way to elect a President of the United States? The candidate goes out on the campaign trail where he or she shakes 79,314 hands, hugs 4,502 people and kisses 322 snotty faced kids under the age of five. Any person who survives this without being hospitalized would be considered strong enough to lead our country through anything.

+

3. Bed and Breakfast friends Professor Peter and Dr. Karen told me that they are going to Africa. It raised the same question in my mind then as it does in your mind now. So I asked them, “How do you dare to go to Africa --- with all the shooting and violence?” And Peter said, “Well, we’ve lived in New York.”

+

4. Why do you enjoy being around certain people? Is it because you admire them and would like to be like them? Is it some gift they have that you wish you had? Is it that you can experience that gift just by being associated with them? On the other hand, why is it that you don’t even like to think about some people because they look so dopey and are always doing stupid things? --- I guess I’ll quit right there before you accuse me of talking politics.

+

5. Here’s a letter from Harold in Hope who used to work with me at Paul Devin’s Navigator Motel in Rockland. When I asked Harold how he could remember me after 28 years, he said, “You used to hang your underwear up to dry in the lobby.” Harold says, “It came to my attention, via last Thursday's Camden Herald, that a stone wall was stolen from the home of the late columnist, Arley Clark. Early in the summer there were 130 student-raised American chestnut seedlings stolen from Mount View High School. Aside from the sad commentary about contemporary society these examples might bring to mind, let's not forget that a stone wall is quite heavy and that tree seedlings require planting. It may be that the State of Maine is the home of the hardest-working thieves in the country.

+

6. One night three girls from Poland appeared in my front yard. One of the girls spoke to me in Norwegian and asked me how I was doing. I assumed from that that she spoke Norwegian and chattered at her for quite some time. But I think that was about all she could say. In 1960 after I had moved in with my Aunt in Sweden and we had struggled to communicate for a week, not being able to speak the other's language, she said to me, "You know Robert, I can speak perfect English." Of course that was all she could say in English but I assumed that it was true. I have learned to say a few sentences in a dozen or so languages. Now, at 80, I wonder why I never bothered to learn how buy food and extend greetings in a dozen more. Only knowing a few sentences in another person's language goes a long way. Do you remember the most important phrase to say in any language? “My friend will pay.”

+

7. Will you give me some advice? The place where I sit is sore. It's not that I sit too much, but that there is nothing but skin between the bone and the cushion in my chair. And they no longer make cushions soft enough to be comfortable for an emaciated old man. Some of my friends have a nice layer of thick padding upon which they rest their reary bones. When these friends sit, there is an inch or two --- or even more --- of comfortable fleshy padding between their bones and the cushion in their chair. The ones I envy could sit on a cold oak plank without any discomfort at all. Please tell me what I have to do to pack some meat back on my bones. After losing 35 pounds -- because for 9 years I ate no ice cream, cake, pie, cookies --- well I got so skinny that for over a month I've been wolfing these things down at every opportunity in hopes of fleshing out a bit. What is your secret for being able to sit comfortably in a chair? Please tell us as I might not be the only one who is considering raising his desk so he can stand while working at his computer. I’m thf at gmail dot com. Thank you for telling us your secret for putting on pounds.

+

8. Some of our friends have been listening to The humble Farmer for over 38 years now. Back when I started making this program for Maine Public Radio, I had to come up with new things to say every week. Thank goodness I no longer have to do that. My memory is so bad I can tell the same stories week after week without even noticing it. The good news, is that half the people listening aren’t really listening, so they don’t realize I’m repeating myself either.

+

9. It is not uncommon to go out in the woods here in the town of St. George, Maine and see a little wooden platform twenty feet up in a tree. I think they call this a tree stand. My friends who are hunters climb up the tree and sit or stand on this tiny wooden platform, sometimes for hours, until a little furry animal comes close and then they shoot it. By this time, the hunter is so stiff from just sitting quietly that he can barely climb down the tree. This is why there is hardly a hunter alive who has used one of these tree stands who has not fallen off the thing and dropped kerplunk on the ground. Perhaps you have chanced upon those wipeout television programs where people crash snowmobiles and skateboards and water skis. So, if you have ever seen a hunter fall out of a tree stand you realize that a popular Maine sport has been denied valuable promotional coverage. Are not producers of Wipeout shows remiss in not adding footage of falling Maine hunters to prime time television?

+