Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for November 6, 2016

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1. While looking on line for a machine that would hold 10 hours of language tapes, I found this: It says: "Apple iPod shuffle 2 GB Black (3rd Generation) (Discontinued by Manufacturer)" Now we might be getting close to what I'd like to have. I see that this one was discontinued by manufacturer. Why was this machine discontinued by the manufacturer? Probably too many people were able to figure out how to operate it.

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2. Thank goodness we have whiskey. If it were not for whiskey, you would be unable to buy a present for the man who has everything. But doesn’t this raise a very serious question. Why would a man who has everything want to muddle his mind with whiskey?

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3. Would you have suspected that I am a veteran? Yes. For two years I was on the bridge of the Cutter Laurel in the fighting Coast Guard. One of the blessings of being a veteran is being able to get hearing aids at the VA which is up in Togus, Maine. You should know that we call the Veteran’s Administration the VA. The other day I learned that the cost of just one pill I have to eat twice a day has jumped 400%. Can you believe that the cost of pills can jump 400% in one night? Instead of $90 a bottle it is now $400. So I said, “Enough of this.” You can only push a man so far. Says I to me, If I get my pills through the VA I won’t have to wonder where I’m going to get my hands on the $2500 or so to buy them. In the process of doing this, I learned that the VA has is a great web page. This web page even has my upcoming appointment listed. I'll ask my VA doctor to tell me how to sign up for pills. He already has the OK in writing from my primary care physician. I want to tell you about this VA web page. The VA web site must be geared for the lowest common denominator because it is the most user friendly web page I have used in a long time. And I’m talking here as a man who made all of his own web pages. I was able to use the VA web page without getting lost and screaming and pounding my head on my keyboard, which is unusual, when you figure that within the past year the evil children who make web pages have destroyed my favorite Ted Talks page and my contacts in gmail dot com. You might have noticed that the Ted Talks home page was recently destroyed. You can’t find anything on Ted Talks now. You already know that every six months or so They mess up the weather page so you don’t know whether to break out your bathing suit or your snowshoes. And just last week my bank page was messed up so I can no longer see a record of my mortgage payments. Well, my friend. You and I shouldn’t worry about the way we’re yanked around by young people who eat greasy sandwiches as they press our future into their computer keyboards. It won’t be long before they themselves are taken over by --- The Machines.

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4. From time to time you see on your ballot the question --- should marijuana be legalized in Maine. You know that a lot of money will always be out there to push for No on the marijuana issue because if marijuana is legalized it will just about empty out our jails and state prison. Put a lot of law enforcement people out of work. The police would have nothing left to do except track down murderers and thieves. Imagine how many TV shows would be out of business if you couldn't see men in combat/riot gear breaking down the door of some kid trying to pay his way through college or take care of his little sister’s hospital bills by selling pot. Those break down the door of the pot dealer movies will someday be classics, like old Buster Keaton films where he was on a railroad track or hanging from a clock.

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5. If you turn on your TV in election years you will often see endless lines of people lined up and waiting for three or four hours for a chance to get in and vote. In the many years I have gone down to the town office to vote I have never seen such a voter turnout as I did at the last election. All of the booths were filled and there was a long line ahead of us. It takes Marsha a bit longer to walk in, or I would have suggested that we go home and come back later. But Marsha said that it wouldn't take more than four minutes for the seven people to go through and she was right.

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6. My pickup truck has 307,000 miles on it and the high gear doesn’t work. You go from 3rd to 5th gear because there is no fourth. So I’d like to buy a new little pickup truck with only 150,000 or 200,000 miles for around $1500. I’m like you in that I naturally want to buy it from the old man who bought it new. I’ve looked in Craig’s List so I’ve pretty well figured out how that works. There is a maximum and minimum price so I type in 1100 and 3100 for that. And because I don’t want to buy a truck from a dealer, I google their telephone number in another screen. If they are wheelers and dealers, their number turns up on everything on the page and you can see all the different things they’re selling. Here’s a nice little 1992 White Isuzu Pick-Up Truck 5 Speed for $2000. But --- when I Googled their telephone number, this is what turned up: It says, “We buy non-working junk vehicles So give us a call us today at such and such for free removal.” What you want to bet that if you held out cash in your hand they’d take less than $2,000 for that truck?

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7. It is the time of year when some parents finally get to see boyfriends who were acquired over the past school year. If your daughter is a serious student, who is also a friendly outgoing type, three or four young men might show up in the course of a month. This is good. It means that your daughter will probably marry a very rich 50 year old man when she's 35. Were you pleased with the most recent ones your daughter brought home? If you're a father it's important to have your greeting down pat. Think it up ahead of time. Years ago, when my friend, Lawyer Crandall, heard a young male voice on the phone asking for his daughter, his standard reply was, "She's in a mental institution." Crandall says they simply said, "Oh good. Thank you. I'll call back later." Another father told me that he smiles, extends a hand, and says, "So you're the chemist who's been in Africa working with Aids patients.” I can remember that 20 or so years ago I was very impressed with the crop my wife’s daughter brought home. One admitted that he was a grad student on full fellowship at some university. Grad student on full fellowship has a nice ring to it. Every time one would appear, I'd say to myself, "Here's a smart fellow who's going to go places. He can't fail." But then one day I happened to think that for three years I was a grad student on a full fellowship at a university.

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8. People from New York City, Hartford and Boston would laugh at people who were born and brought up in Spruce Head or Friendship, Maine. But you know, those big city people wouldn't be able to earn a living here in Maine. It's too different from anything they've ever experienced. Think of the difference: here in Maine when you get up in the morning and look in your garage, your car and all your tools are still there.

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9. Why can’t people who call come right out and tell the person answering the phone what they want? Some woman called the other day and asked for me. Marsha could have told her what she wanted to know. But this woman asked for Robert, so Marsha had to drag me out of the cellar where I was turning the valves on the pipes leading to my solar hot water heater. In a primitive or civilized society isn’t it possible that the spouse knows what's going on and can speak for the other? What does John want for that wood splitter? Either the wife says $500 or she doesn't know. And then, if she doesn’t know, it’s time to take the question to the next level. When I answer the phone and they ask for Marsha isn't it possible that I am capable of either taking a message or telling the caller exactly what my wife Marsha would want me to say? You’re right. I couldn’t.

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