Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for December 4, 2016

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1. More and more Knox County women in their mid 40s are dating men in their early 20s. A local sociologist, considers this to be a most unusual and unhealthy phenomenon and is hoping to discover what the two groups can possibly have in common. He says, “You would think that a 45 year old woman would seek out a 60 year old man who could satisfy her intellectual needs. Yet we see many of these women, accompanied by no more than children, out on the town six and seven nights a week. One would think that a woman over 40 would know that you can’t trust a man until hair grows in his ears. Whatever do they find to talk about? What is it about these young men that older women find so attractive?”

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2. Once upon a time there was a man who went around to lawn sales buying things he didn’t need. And every time he saw a first edition book or an old blue bottle at a lawn sale he bought it and sold it on ebay at a great profit. One day he hit an old blue bottle and a genie popped out and said, “What is your wish, master?” And the man was beside himself with joy because he knew that first editions of the first Harry Potter book sold for $40,000 because they only printed 1,000 copies and if he could go back in time and buy those 1,000 copies he would be very rich today indeed. So he asked the genie to send him back in time so he could buy those 1,000 Harry Potter books the minute they came off the press and then he would not only have them all but they would be in mint condition. So the genie did and he did. And when he came back with the first 1,000 copies of the first Harry Potter book he looked on ebay. But there were no Harry Potter books listed there. So he very quickly hit the old blue bottle. And the genie explained that because he had bought the first 1,000 books no one had ever heard of Harry Potter and because no one had ever hooted and ranted and raved about Harry Potter the book had never gone into a second printing and the author was so discouraged she never wrote another word. And the moral of this story is that many men would be happier today if they had never hit the bottle.

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3. Addiction is a terrible thing. I have had no coffee for a week and I know this. Anyone who has to look at their email before their eyes are even open in the morning also knows this. Even more insidious is Facebook, which I ignored until it completely overpowered me. Being an educator, this morning I posted a synopsis of An Enemy of The People on my Facebook page --- just in case a couple of my friends were unfamiliar with it. Reading things like An Enemy of the People is part of one’s education. Even if it doesn’t change the way one votes, it might activate some unused thought process that will enable one to finally understand the power of dirty money. And even better than the opportunity to pass along interesting things to one’s friends, are the interesting messages that appear on Facebook from one’s friends. Wilder Oakes very astutely compares it with getting messages from a trance medium or an Ouija board.

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4. A Knox County grandmother is in trouble today for giving her grandson money to buy a car. A friend of the grandson got hurt in the car and then sued the grandmother. He collected because it was proven in court that she was negligent. She shouldn’t have given money to an irresponsible teenager. Legal minds are wondering where this need to affix blame to someone else will end. Suppose a landlord rents a house to a family of four. Both parents smoke. The two children often have respiratory problems and miss a lot of school. Should the children be able to sue the landlord for renting the confined space? Email me with your answer or comments. We value your opinion.

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5. And now it’s time for a commentary on marriage. As you know, we are very interested in the sociological ramifications of the institution. You might know your spouse for years, but the day you get married: WHAM. Things suddenly change. Ask any man. Ask any woman. Let’s take an elementary and very common example. When you are both sitting up in bed reading, and you, the husband, slowly lower your book and shift your weight in her direction, and she thinks it’s because you want to kiss her, you obviously haven’t been married very long.

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6. There is a new way of thinking in this country today and I think we should talk about it. An 80-year-old man who walks with a slight limp is married to a very athletic 50-year-old woman. Some leaves have accumulated on the roof. Which one of them should climb the ladder and crawl across the roof with a rake in hand to remove those leaves? In most industrialized countries in the world today, the woman would scramble up there like a monkey and have those leaves on the ground before you could say broken leg. However, in the United States the old man has to risk his neck --- because --- if she should fall off the roof, she is unemployable. But if he falls off the roof, he still has his pension.

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7. Can you tell me why when some people fix something it falls apart within a week? You might be married to this person and know exactly who I’m talking about. There are other masters of the tool chest, however, who are able to make minor adjustments that last forever in their homes. The secret of these home improvement giants is called the temporary repair. When they put something up, they don’t intend for it to last. Because nothing lasts like a temporary repair. Hang a door with nails on one hinge --- just so it’ll hang there good enough until you can find some screws to do the job right, and it will be swinging contentedly there the day you die. If you’d put screws in the hinges, you know, done the job right, the door wouldn’t have fit, and the screws would have worked themselves out and you would have lived with a door that stuck for years until it fell off and dropped on the dog. Knock down a wall in your kitchen and put up some sheetrock. The cat will claw it down before you ever get around to paint it. Put a piece of plastic in your smashed out car window --- just to keep the wind out until you can get over to Stanley French to buy a window to do it right, and that plastic will be there the day you park the old clunker out in the back yard and use the door as a target. If you really want something that will hang in there forever, the rule to remember in Maine is, nothing lasts like a temporary repair.

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8. Google is a wonderful thing. How else would I have learned that some scientists have discovered how to make teeth fillings out of the same polyethylene fibers used in bullet proof vests? If you are old enough, you can remember seeing superman catch bullets in his teeth and spitting them back at the bad guys. Now, with her enhanced technological prowess, your average great-grandmother will be required to have her jaws licensed as a lethal weapon.

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9. Even though a man is old --- Even though a man is married --- Does that keep him from raising his eyebrows when he sees a picture of a pretty girl in a magazine? I admit that at 80, perhaps now more than ever, it is very nice to occasionally see a picture of a pretty girl. This just came to mind when I saw a very pretty girl in a weight loss ad. She was pure perfection in the picture on the left before she lost the 25 pounds.

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10. Speaking of losing weight, You might have heard about the man in the county jail who gained 80 pounds in three months. The newspaper and television people have had quite a time with it. But what you probably haven't heard, is that the warden of that jail has been offered a job in Washington DC as Executive Director of the National Association of Pork Producers.

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11. Are you good at remembering names and faces? I'm not, and it's more annoying than embarrassing when someone says, "I can't believe you don't remember me. I've been to your house four times." I'm not alone when it comes to having a bad memory for faces. It’s called prosopagnosia. You probably heard about those people who forgot to list on their job applications that they had been convicted of theft, assault, manslaughter and even cocaine trafficking. What an exciting life you must have if you can forget that you spent your last birthday in jail.

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