Below is a rough draft of humble's rants for your Maine Private Radio show for December 25, 2016

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1. Have you ever lost your keys in the sand at the beach, had your credit cards stolen from your gym locker, or left your wallet at the tennis court? If these unfortunate situations sound familiar, then perhaps you ought to give up sports.

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2. My wife Marsha has a generous rich friend who gave her an expensive but energy efficient front end washing machine. That shouldn’t surprise you, because I’m sure you also have rich friends who know how to get the most enjoyment out of their money. Anyway, I wasn’t smart enough to negotiate delivery when I went to the store to buy the machine, so I ended up dragging it home and putting it in the cellar all by myself. I couldn’t think of anyone who could help me. I might as well have been living in a city. Seventy years ago I knew everyone who lived within a mile of here and most of them were my relatives, but when I tried to think of someone to help me with that washing machine I realized that I no longer know anyone. You know what I mean. Of course I have good old friends who would be glad to help me, but they can’t because they’ve either had bypass surgery or are thinking about a knee replacement.

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3. From time to time you expect me to impart something that can pass as wisdom. Because I’m just old and not an oracle, it is hard for me to come up with anything new for you. But, from time to time someone wearing a sad face throws one my way and that’s when I pass it along to you. So. Here’s your wisdom for today. If, for the past five years, you’ve been carrying your bicycle here and there on the top of your car, think carefully before buying an automatic garage door opener.

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4. At 80 years of age I’ve probably had every medical procedure known to man. At 6 o’clock in the morning I was the first person in line at the Bangor International Airport. The baggage inspectors had just assumed their stations and, as I saw one snap on a pair of rubber gloves, I shuddered and said to myself, “My, these fellows certainly intend to be thorough.”

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5. A while back while trying to compare the United States statistics with Japan and other countries when it comes to shooting your neighbors, I turned up a curious thing about Accomack County in Virginia. At the time I said that you might well question the source, but for what it’s worth it says, With a population of around 50,000 it’s surprising to hear that over 400 people are murdered there every year. But only around 10 are reported. (And here’s good news if you are thinking about moving there.) Only around 4 of the people killed there each year are residents. Most victims are drug dealers who are murdered out of town before their bodies are usually deposited in the swamps of Accomack County. Great name for a book, isn’t it? The Swamps of Accomack County. Well, I got a cheerful letter back from a radio friend who gets my weekly Whine and Snivel newsletter, and this person says, “I live in Accomack County, taught school here for 38 years. I live in a little town called Onley, pronounced – Only… not quite the challenge as Onancock, Wachepreague, Pungoteague, Chincoteague, Assateague, or, my favorite, Assawoman. Our population ranges in the 35,000 zone… I think last count was up to 38,000, but with all the dead bodies in the swamp, well, hard telling what the population really is. I also found it interesting wondering where all these swamps are. We do have small swampy areas when we get a whole lot of rain… maybe they meant marsh? We also have a lot of buzzards around here, and I am sure if a body were dumped in the marsh, someone would soon enough go to see what the buzzards were circling. It is very flat here. Used to be the highest point of ground was 52 feet above sea level. Well, then they built an over pass and a mountain at the landfill, so who knows… the point is, unlike near my house in the Poconos, there is no convenient crevasse where one can dump a body. Did I mention there are no rocks? With all the duck hunters, clam diggers, oyster farmers, marsh muckers, kayakers, watermen, and general nosey people, to say nothing of a huge retriever population, it would be tough to dump a body here on the Shore. This is a very skinny peninsula, and even though we have miles and miles of marsh, well, let’s say I doubt there are that many bodies out there. Now down near Norfolk, there is the Great Dismal Swamp. That has lots of possibilities! As the local coordinator for our local Neighborhood Watch, I will alert all the members of our group at the meeting tonight to check any swampy areas they might know of for foreign (or local) bodies. If you are in the area, drop by. We will be meeting at the Onley Firehall at 7… always cookies and refreshments of some sort available. Great to hear from you! And although I won’t read this person’s name, his or her nickname is Possum. Isn’t it amazing what you can learn if you ask?

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6. Every morning for years I’ve eaten a thyroid pill. Not a year goes by but what one more doctor gives me one more pill. I’m not really sure but I’m probably now up to 8 or 10 a day. So here I am at the kitchen counter one morning opening pill bottles when my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, says, “Why don’t you let me put your pills in one of those pill dispensers? Then you’d only have to open one thing in the morning.” I told her I’d rather open the three bottles because, after all, a man my age should be getting some exercise.

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7. When the editor at Portland Monthly asked me for a dry story, I was reminded of an evening visit with Lawyer Crandall and Julian Rubenstein. Julian showed us a book he was reading about the good old days in Spain --- when they used to burn people at the stake. According to Julian, if your friends heard you were going to be burned at the stake they would attempt to bribe the fellow in charge of the fire to use green wood. Crandall said, “What happened if they used green wood?” and Julian said, “The smoke would snuff you in a wink.” Crandall said, “What happened if they used dry wood?” And Julian said: “If they used dry wood, I imagine you would desiccate rather rapidly.” And Crandall said: “Gee, if it’d been me, I probably would have before they lit the first match.”

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8. You probably heard about that man they were executing down south somewhere. It seems as they didn't get his little hat on tight enough and when they pulled the switch, his head caught on fire. Some people were not pleased about the way things went, and caused a fuss. The reporter interviewed someone from --- I can't remember the group --- might have been Amnesty International, or something like that. And this person said, "The argument should not be how we execute somebody. The entire concept is flawed, because it is still the extinguishment of a human life by the state.” This argument will soon be invalid --- like everything else where an inflated dollar is to be had, they will privatize it.

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9. You tell me if this kind of thing has ever happened to you. I used to get some annoyed at a place in Rockland where I used to buy lobsters, because the first thing they’d do in that store was put a great big double paper bag on the scale, and both bags would be treated with something so they wouldn’t leak water, and then they’d scoop a lobster out of the tank and drop it in that double bag. And then they’d scoop another dripping lobster out of the tank and put that in. And you’d look up, and there would be a four foot ceiling fan twirling like an airplane propeller over that bag, pushing it down onto the scale. And you’d end up paying who knows what for compressed air and salt water. Now people from away expect that kind of treatment. When they get home it gives them something to tell their friends about the quaint way people do business in Maine. But when you live here like you and I do, you already get more of that kind of local color on a regular basis than you can afford. So one day when the clerk handed me the bag and told me how much I owed, I couldn’t take it any more. I reached into the bag, took the two lobsters out, gave them back to him, and said, “I’ll take them without the bag. Please weigh them again.” And when he did, I found that the difference came to 85 cents. I was expected to pay 85 cents for paper bags, air and salt water. And the clerk told me that the boss would be awful mad if he knew I did that. And I know why, because the man who owned that store used to brag to his friends that he’d paid for his Cadillac by selling Penobscot Bay.

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10. Have you seen this new combat thing on TV? I think they call it absolute fighting. It can get pretty messy because you can do whatever it takes to completely destroy your opponent. No holds are barred. You know, my friend Lawyer Crandall could be a world champion --- he’s been handling divorce cases for years.

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