Maine Reality TV --- The humble Farmer's TV show on YouTube.

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On January 18, 2016, my 80th birthday, I paid ASCAP $246 for the right to run this radio show for you on the Internet. Although we are not starving, any help you might send along would be appreciated. humble

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Rants January 22, 2017

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1. Here, just because you like logic and syllogisms and that kind of thing, is something I posted on my Facebook page. For a headline, I put up: News from Maine. But because it happens so often, it really isn't news at all. And here’s the story: Authorities say Mike shot Pete while hunting in the woods. Mike was hunting deer. Pete was also out hunting deer. Both men were “experienced hunters." Mike’s lawyer says Mike fired after seeing what he thought were antlers and Pete dropped dead. Pete was wearing bright orange. I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what they thought of this. The best answer to my question came from Sue Ann who said, “Just because Pete was wearing bright orange doesn't mean he didn't have antlers.”

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2. While looking through Dateline’s webpage, this is what I read. I quote without permission: “The earliest known ancestors of modern humans might have reproduced with early chimpanzees to create a hybrid species, a new genetic analysis suggests. …Scientists can't say how long the hybridization carried on, but the final speciation occurred around 5.3 million years ago, possibly because the two species' genetic codes were too different to mix, or because the animals were simply physically unappealing to each other.” Wow. Would this not also indicate that back then they didn’t drink alcohol?

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3. If you are a typical American, you have a box full of old computer wires and unidentifiable antiquated computer parts. Every time you have a lawn sale you put the box out and hope that someone will give you a quarter for the whole mess. My brother, who understands these things, heard me say that my telephone amplifying machine had died. He said, “Throw it away quick before you forget what it is.”

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4. This morning when I went outside I checked to see if I’d zipped up my fly. I was relieved to discover that my fly was, indeed, still unzipped ---- because it meant that I had remembered to put on my pants.

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5. For almost 30 years I have written and broadcast tens of thousands of words, describing in detail what it is like to be married to a person who must run the whole show. It can be done and you should know that there is nothing unpleasant about passing one’s golden years in a social environment resembling that of a trained animal. Marsha and I have a happy marriage because we are compatible. A psychologist might say this is only because my utterly passive ego is content to be subservient to her id.

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6. Compulsive organizers and planners can and will tell you what they and you are going to do every day for the next week. It can be fun if you simply buckle up and go along for the ride. For example: although I had my shower before my eyes were open this morning, she had to remind me that I had not yet had my breakfast and that I’d better get at the income tax because tomorrow I had to buy new back tires for the car. As the years pass, you forget how to hang a wash, do dishes or make a bed. Try to do any of these things and you are elbowed aside by someone who can do it better. And after being relieved of the onerous burden of thinking for a few years, your ability to do simple household tasks or make a decision atrophies and becomes no more than a mental appendix.

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7. It has not escaped our attention that most discontent in households is the fault of those who are unable or unwilling to simply say nothing or respond with a smile and, “Yes dear.” In all our years of marriage I have not argued with my wife. I state my case and drop it. Before she can get out of the room she usually sees that what I said makes sense and changes her mind. In other words, she is quick to base her decision on reason as long as she is the one who has done the reasoning. I don't remember of seeing my mother and father argue so I was never trained in the art of verbal jousting. In later years when I lived next to argumentative neighbors, although their interesting problems almost burned out the bearings in my tape recorder, it was obvious that standing nose to nose in a driveway and shouting does not enhance a marriage.

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8. Having made a business of commenting on the human condition, I’ve learned that, at home and on the street, after saying my piece it is prudent to simply turn my back and walk away. For years I watched the daily bickering in a newspaper’s blog. Without saying much of anything, people simply snarled and snapped and chewed away at each other. From my reading I believe I've figured out something you were aware of a long time ago, and that is which of two parties knows that he/she has put forth the most forceful presentation. It is the one who doesn't feel that he or she has to have the last word. The same thing applies in a marriage: Least said, soonest mended.

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9. Marriage is not a political stage where you might have good reason to call a colleague a crook one day and consider him or her for a seat on your Cabinet the next. Again. The key to a happy marriage is compatibility. You have seen marriages fail between two laid-back people because they are not compatible. Their house is falling down around their ears, there are old lawnmowers and inoperative snowmobiles surrounded by weeds in their front yard and a percentage of their children board with grandma. You have also seen marriages between two people who promise each other that they will “share” in the division of labor in their home. Aren’t they the ones who are divorced after two or three years because of irreconcilable differences? --- The differences being that neither one will accept the responsibility of saying nothing or “Yes dear.” If you now have a better understanding of the magic glue that bonds some of the very strange marriages in your neighborhood, you have made my day. Do remember that people who must control others make excellent care-givers for those of us who no longer play ice hockey. Best of all, those who have been married to a controlling partner for 50 years won’t even realize that they are senile and elderly when they do get there.

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10. Dear humble Farmer: Greetings from Milan, Italy. I got a nice chuckle from your column today about marriage. My wife is Italian, so in my case for domestic peace I am more than willing to surrender "the last word." My late pal Stan, who lived in Lewiston, used to tell me, "I only say three words to my wife: Great idea, honey." Though I am from away, I spent a few memorable years in Maine, going to school and also working at a summer camp in Casco. My primary years in the state were spent in Portland, 1984-88, in the golden blush of youth, and listening to your program of jazz and humor is a vivid memory -- you taught me aspects of jazz and introduced me to musicians I might have otherwise not known. I occasionally read the Press Herald, which is how I ran across your column this morning and thence to your website. I'm enjoying one of your archived December programs --Scott Hamilton followed by Teddy Wilson and Dave Frishberg -- a double pleasure: great music and remembrances of listening to you in Portland some 30 years back. After this lengthy hiatus and thanks to the Internet, I can return to being a regular listening. (I moved to Italy six years ago and teach English at a university here in Milan.) Thanks, humble, for all that jazz and laughter. Best wishes, Michael

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11. You probably heard that they quickly caught that armed robber who held up the fried chicken restaurant. Although he escaped with an armload of cash and fried chicken, within an hour he showed up at the emergency room and asked to have his stomach pumped.

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