Maine Reality TV --- The humble Farmer's TV show on YouTube.

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In February, 2017, I paid ASCAP $200. or so for the right to run this radio show for you on the Internet. Although we are not starving, if you would show your appreciation by donating a small contribution to my PayPal account, you would earn an inedible spot on The humble Farmer's wall of fame.

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Rants February 26, 2017

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1. You might have read that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. They say it is because she smells like a new truck.

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2. From time to time I come across a story that will make you laugh. Here’s one that came our way one day on the morning news. Are you ready? At a Senate hearing, the managers of a coal mine in West Virginia said that they did not put profits ahead of safety.

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3. The email said: “good morning humble, keep checking to see if you've uploaded any new programs and much to my sadness you haven't. … Hoping all is well and you have just taken a little vacation. … Laura” Laura runs one of the televisions stations that runs my television program. My television program is the same as this radio program, except you get to see me doing things on my farm when the music is playing and you get to see me deliver my rants. Of course you can see it on YouTube, too. My movie camera broke. I got a new one, but the new camera is not compatible with my old XP program in my computer. And because I have a struggle learning how to operate new technology, I’m stymied. Stopped dead in my tracks. Wiped out by new technology. Ground to a halt by computer programs that I cannot understand. I told Laura that if she knew anyone who will teach me how to make television programs with a new program on a new computer, to send them around because although it is difficult for me to learn, I am willing to try.

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4. When I told doggie that I was going to take my shower and didn't have time to throw the ball for him the other morning, I suddenly realized how wonderful doggies are. Have you ever stopped to think that hundreds of doggies have obeyed commands and fully comprehended an infinite number of unique lexical strings articulated in Etruscan? And Gothic? And thousands of other languages? Every day I live with this doggie, I appreciate him and his heritage more. Imagine a dog being able to understand Etruscan. What that dog could tell us were he alive today. Almost as remarkable is a doggie's desire to chase the sad remains of a dirt encrusted ball out in a pouring rain. It would be easy to deny a request from a devious dog, but most of us are helpless when confronted by a sincere and honest furry face.

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5. The TED talk said, "This is what happens when you reply to a spam email." . Why would anyone reply to a spam email? Would you watch a video that says, "Here's what happens when you jump off a bridge and drop 200 feet into the water." Why would anyone jump off a bridge and drop 200 feet into the water? Show me a TED talk that says, "How to get to sleep at 8 PM when you've already had two one-hour naps in the afternoon" and you've got my attention. By the way, I changed my mind and watched this TED talk and found it to be quite entertaining.

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6. A friend who winters in Florida was asked when he was coming back to Maine. He said that he is usually home by April 10. That enables him to enjoy the last three months of Maine winter.

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7. I'm getting fat. I can't understand why I'm getting fat. The brass button in my pants should be exactly below the buttons in my shirt but the brass button is about three inches from the buttonhole. Ten or eleven years ago I went to the Public Radio Program Managers convention in San Antonio. I gained about three pounds in three days and came home weighing 175 or so pounds. "Anything in moderation" does not work for many of us. You have heard me say that for the 9 years after that San Antonio conference I went without cake, pie, cookies, donuts, sweet bread, ice cream. All those good things. I ate as much of everything else as I wanted. But, lo and behold, just because I didn't eat sweets (You know I don't do alcohol or soda, so I don't even mention that) ---- just because I didn't eat sweets I shot down to 140 pounds. Two years ago September, I went off the wagon. At 140 with arms like a Parisian model I figured I would never be fat again. You will recall how much I enjoyed three pieces of my wife’s rhubarb pie the first day. But now I can't get into my pants and I can't understand why I'm getting fat. I only eat the equivalent of three cookies or one piece of pie every day. Of course I don't drink sweet drinks or eat any candy. Candy makes me sick. I walk a mile at least 6 days a week and ride 5 to 8 miles on my bike at least 6 days a week. Please tell me that only one piece of pie a day day after day after day will not move that button three inches from its buttonhole. I'm sure that your telling me that will make it true.

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8. You certainly remember that our toilet here in our garage bathroom was not flushing properly. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that a small nut on top of the flapper would keep it from sticking. I went on line and finally found a page that said a washer over the chain on the flapper would solve the problem. Washer/nut? I used a washer and all was well for two weeks or so. But yesterday my wife said that the flapper was not falling like it should and she had to take off the cover and jiggle the chain to make it work. I fixed it for sure this time, but I couldn't have figured out how to do it had I not recollected the last words of Giles Corey.

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9. I must be lucky. I liked every mother-in-law I ever had. They were wonderful people. Young people don't know much of anything and they won't listen to anybody. But you and I know that you don't want to marry a woman until you have spent a lot of time with her mother. If you think your mother-in-law is crazy, there is a good chance that when her daughter is that age --- guess what? Like father like son is a common phrase. But if you are a boy, it is a good thing to remember that like mother like daughter. Of course if you are mad about the daughter, you won't care that she'll look like her mother and be crazier than her mother 20 years down the road. And 20 years goes by like zip. I've seen 20 years zip by at least four times and every zip is zippier than the zip before. So, remember: If you think your mother-in-law is crazy, there is a good chance that when her daughter is that age is going to be crazy, too. I know of at least one girl I would have married sight unseen just because her mother and her mother's parents and her mother's four grandparents were the finest kind of people you'd find anywhere. Boswell said to Johnson: "Pray, Sir, do you not suppose that there are fifty women in the world, with any one of whom a man may be as happy, as with any one woman in particular?" Johnson: "Ay, Sir, fifty thousand." I wouldn’t be surprised if you think of this often.

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10. A woman who does a lot of public speaking once wrote me a letter asking for advice. She said she gives the people in her audiences an evaluation sheet. But no matter how wonderful they said she was in the written part of the evaluation, most of them never give here more than a seven on a scale from one to 10. I told her that if I were having that kind of trouble, I’d ask them to evaluate me on a scale from one to seven. She didn’t write back.

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