Maine Reality TV --- The humble Farmer's TV show on YouTube.

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In February, 2017, I paid ASCAP $200. or so for the right to run this radio show for you on the Internet. Although we are not starving, if you would show your appreciation by donating a small contribution to my PayPal account, you would earn an inedible spot on The humble Farmer's wall of fame.

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Rants March 19, 2017

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1. I am very proud of the high quality of writing and commentary on my Facebook page, much of which I must credit to myself. Because of the scintillating intellectual content on that page I get countless friend requests from fellow scholars. Most of them are very poor young women who cannot even afford to buy clothes.

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2. For a long time I have suspected that I only had one listener. I’ve been making this program for almost 39 years and for a long time I have suspected that you are the only person listening to this program. I couldn’t even suspect where you lived. Now I know where you live. Here’s a post card that says, “Dear humble --- Your devoted Italian fan base continues to enjoy your great music and pointed witticism, and send you fond regards from chilly Milano Ciao, Michael.” And that card, for which I am grateful, took 43 days to get to me from Italy. Back when I was on what used to be Maine Public Radio, I’d get letters from my one listener in Massachusetts and Nova Scotia and Quebec. But now with the Internet, my only listener can even live in Italy. Am I right? Or am I right? If you are really not in Italy, isn’t it about time to tell me where you are?

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3. Here’s a story that comes from Pegg, a radio friend for 30 or more years. Pegg says: The passengers on a plane notice that the two pilots have white canes and sunglasses. As the plane starts to move and gains speed, it stays on the ground and the passengers get nervous. The plane rushes towards a fence as the remaining runway gets shorter and shorter. The passengers finally holler and the plane takes off, missing the fence by inches. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

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4. May I call your attention to the woman who said she didn't stop at the scene of an accident because her brakes failed? She was easy to find because a front fender was torn off by the impact and left at the scene. I am distressed by the transparent excuse she gave for not stopping. A more creative person could have said that she didn't realize she'd hit something.

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5. I remember reading in a newspaper that one in four Maine high school students who work part time jobs experienced sexual harassment. The study looked at 20 types of unwanted and uninvited behaviors including, but not limited to, groping and actual sexual assault. Even more surprising than the high percentage of young boys who had been groped was the discovery that some of them didn’t even go to church.

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6. One day I thinks to myself, I’ll bet my blood pressure is high. I’ll just drop by my doctor’s office and ask if a nurse would be kind enough to take my blood pressure. So that is what I did, and when I stood before the receptionist and made my request, she asked me for my name. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, talks about my being oblivious to the world around me. But there I was before the receptionist with my name tag hanging out and she asked me for my name. And I thought to myself, “Perhaps I’m not the one who should go in there and have my head examined.” Luckily it was a slow day and a very capable nurse quickly took my blood pressure which was 150 over 84. Probably a record for me. I told her that high blood pressure was something new for me, I never had it, and I asked her what I should do. She said to go home, relax and stay away from stress. I said, “How can I? I’m married to her.”

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7. A Maine man accused of shooting his wife told a friend he did it because she had been nagging. Although this situation is too horrible to warrant commentary, one can’t help but wonder how many men were tempted to clip the article from the newspaper and quietly stick it on the refrigerator door.

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8. One of the annoying things about being old is being able to remember more than a few of our most recent enemies. The days when a St. George man could get paid and decorated for shooting Englishmen and Spaniards was before my time, but as a kid on my way to school I walked past a life-size dummy of a German hung by the neck from a gas station sign. Then, when there was no longer a reason to hate or fear the Germans, the commies stepped in as public enemy number one. We need enemies. We need to be told that should we let our guard down for an instant, our enemies will rush in here and seize everything we hold dear. Everyone knows that if it wasn’t for being told that we have enemies, trillions of your tax dollars would no longer be swept into that rat hole known as the defense budget. You might remember when the media had us fearing and hating the Russians. Then, a bit over 20 years ago when Gorbachev setting the Soviet Union on a new path and away from its rivalry with the West, one of the top people in the Russian government said to us: "We will do the most horrible thing to you; we will leave you without an enemy." Boy, was he wrong. Never underestimate our military industrial complex when it comes to manufacturing plausible enemies.

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9. 4. We all know people who plan things days and weeks and months ahead. They write these things down on calendars or in little notebooks. They know exactly what they are going to do every day for days, weeks and months in advance. You do not want to drop in on these people for a visit. Any change in their schedule throws them for a loop. An existence like that is not a life. It is the chronicle of a prisoner in a maximum security federal prison. Some of us are very happy to get out of bed in the morning with nothing more on the agenda than "Eat my rolled oats and take a shower.”

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10. You know that I listen to Dutch all the time. There is an expression, Onmiddelijk vol begrip, that I like. It means immediately full of understanding or instantly enlightened. I think it is a great expression. I like the Dutch way of saying it as if enlightenment or understanding had an atomic number and could actually be poured or stuffed into a container. Immediately full of understanding.

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11. Here’s a letter from Tim White who writes, “My parents told me, "We want you to be happy. We want you to have a better life than we did." So I didn't have kids.”

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